


Traumas (they surround me)

by Emilatte, shieldfansunite



Category: Chicago PD (TV), MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016) Whump, Army buddies, Background Case, Best Friends, Blood, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Bombing, Bombs, Bro bonding, Bromance, Case Fic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Epic Bromance, Explosions, F/M, Feelings, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heavy Angst, How is that not a tag yet?, Hurt Angus Macgyver (Macgyver 2016), Hurt Jay Halstead, Hurt/Comfort, It is now, Jack Dalton is Angus MacGyver's Parent (MacGyver TV 2016), Jay Halstead Hates Himself, Jay Halstead Whump, Male Friendship, Medical Trauma, Needles, Nightmares, Pain, Panic Attacks, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Jay, Psychological Torture, Self-Destruction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, Tired Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016), Torture, Trauma, Upstead, Worried Jay Halstead, macriley
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:47:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 83,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28005633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emilatte/pseuds/Emilatte, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shieldfansunite/pseuds/shieldfansunite
Summary: -- This story is written to be understood by CPD fans and Macgyver fans alike, so even if you don't watch one or the other you should still be able to enjoy the fun --When Chicago is under attack by a serial bomber that's dredging up all sorts of bad memories, Detective Jay Halstead calls an old army buddy in to help out on the case when his partner gets trapped in a room that's rigged to explode.He and MacGyver haven't spoken in years but a lot has changed, and a lot has gone wrong. Both men are struggling over their guilt and self-loathing after having gone through their own traumas apart. They both have a whole host of new issues and secrets that have yet to be spoken of, but through working on this case that seems more and more personal as they go on. Maybe they can renew their long lost friendship.This story focuses on the rebuilding of their friendship and dealing with the traumas they faced together and apart in the Army, as well as the things they've experienced in their crime fighting professions and back home.
Relationships: Jack Dalton & Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016), Jay Halstead & Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016), Jay Halstead & Hank Voight, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton, Riley Davis/Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Comments: 116
Kudos: 162





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collaborative story written by me (Emilatte) and my best from Sam (shieldfansunite), who you will see a lot in all the upcoming collabs we're working on.
> 
> Each section separate by '~~~' means it's switching between our writing. I write the sections in Jay's perspective, and Sam does MacGyver :))))
> 
> Please heed the tags because this story deals with heavy topics, and any chapter that's a bit darker will have warnings in the note.  
> For those not familiar with Chicago PD or Macgyver here is were they are at in the story !!!
> 
> Jay Halstead hasn't had the easiest time in the intelligence unit of the Chicago Police Department. Having pushed down the pain of what he has been through - the death of his father, his mentor figure Al, and coping with his recent injuries obtained on the job - Jay tries to continue being the strong force he always has been. Though, he finds it more and more difficult as his own mind drags him down
> 
> After taking on Codex - a organization bent on destroying the world -, Angus MacGyver is left to deal with the emotional fallout the organization and personal loss has brought. A month off of work has only caused the guilt to build up, causing the man to doubt his own abilities. The relationships he has with his teammates at The Phoenix Foundation seem to have changed over the events of Codex, and Mac isn't sure what to think of it.
> 
> The title is based off the song Trauma by NF

Jay knew this mission was risky, but he didn’t think it would be this bad. 

A serial bomber, targeting cops and veterans, has set off eleven bombs over the last few weeks. Killed dozens of innocent people. 

The whole intelligence unit has been working themselves to the bone to try and stop this monster. Jay most of all. It hits much too close to home. Every bomb and dead vet they find brings back the memories of blood and ash and screams. Dismembered limbs and the smell of burnt flesh. 

Hailey’s been noticing. 

Whenever he snaps out of whatever place his head goes, she’s looking at him with concern. He lets it show too much. The last thing he wants to do is worry her enough that she’s off her game and misses something in the case, or gets hurt because she’s distracted. 

Their current mission was simple, investigate this warehouse where cameras had seen a person matching the description of one of the bomber’s associates go into. Ordinarily, they would’ve called in the whole bomb squad to do a sweep, but they were on a time crunch. It’s been a few days since the last bombing, and every second they waste while this guy is free is one second closer to more innocent people dying. 

They were just sweeping the place, Voight and Adam going around the outside, and Jay and Hailey scoping out the interior. Two rooms in and Jay sees a figuring rushing away. 

“Chicago PD— show me your hands!” Jay commands, pointing his gun at the suspect. The man stops moving, arms up, before turning tail and running the other direction around a corner. Jay huffs. 

Why can’t they ever come easily? Just once. That’s all he’s asking. 

He shoves his gun in its holster to pick up speed and chase after the guy through the large warehouse. As he runs, he pulls out his radio and presses the button on the side, and brings it up to his mouth. 

“I got him, he’s heading on foot towards the south exit— I’m in pursuit!” He shouts in the midst of his exertion. He spots Hailey out of the corner of his eye as they pass the room she was searching. “Go around back and cut him off!” Jay tells her abruptly. 

He can’t let this guy get away. Not again. Too many innocent people have died because of this guy’s boss. Any information they can get from this offender about the bomber’s identity or whereabouts will help immensely, and Jay would be more than happy to squeeze it out of him like the little worm he is. 

His anger fuels his speed, helping him gain on the suspect as they twist and turn through the equipment in the warehouse. The guy makes the mistake of going around a metal table, which Jay easily hops over, shaving off precious seconds in his pursuit. 

Once he gets close enough he takes the chance and leaps forward, tackling the suspect onto the cement floor. It doesn’t take long for him to recover though, because he’s already rolling over and shoving Jay off before jumping back into a defensive position. 

Switching from flight to fight. 

He’s big. Bigger than Jay anyway, and wearing a mask. Jay hops up and goes to grab for his gun, but the man is already charging. 

This time it’s _him_ that tackles _Jay,_ and sends them sprawling on the ground. The gun flies out of his hand from the harsh impact and slides across the smooth floor. 

He swears internally. That tiny mistake just might get him killed. 

The man lands a few heavy punches to Jay’s face before the detective knees the man in the groin and rolls away, hopping back to his feet. His gun is still yards in the other direction, behind the man. Not easy to get to. 

He takes this opportunity while the offender is disoriented to punch him back, but after that he recovers too quickly, pulling out a knife. 

Oh great. Just what he needed. 

“Aw come on, really man?” He huffs in exasperation. 

He gets in a defensive stance, deflects all the jabs the man tries to attempt. He may be strong, but he has sloppy knifework. Jay bats the man’s arm away before charging and shoving the guy against a piece of machinery. He slams the suspect’s outstretched arm back against it, forcing him to drop the knife. 

It clatters against the cement and he punches the man again as hard as he can before grabbing him by the shoulders and swinging the man’s body down hard into his knee. Jay hopes that’s enough to bring him down to a point that he has enough time to cuff him, but his hopes are dashed. 

The man is barely fazed by the assault. He punches Jay roughly in the stomach, hard enough to hurt his ribs through his lightweight Kevlar vest, and it sends him to the floor coughing. As quickly as he can, he gets back up again before the offender can reach either of their weapons and runs up behind, grabbing him in a tight chokehold. 

The suspect scratches at his arms with bruising force but he doesn’t dare let up. 

Until he hears _her._

 _“Uh… Jay?”_ Hailey says over the comms. _“We have a problem,”_ she adds. 

While focusing on her voice, his grip inadvertently loosens and the man takes advantage of it, elbowing Jay in the ribs and slipping out of his grasp, and dashing back towards the exit. The still healing bullet wound in his chest pangs sharply from the jab. 

Jay doesn’t even try to go back after him this time. 

He only gives himself a second to gulp in a few gasps of air before responding. 

“What is it? Where are you?” He asks between breaths, still bent over and cradling his ribs. 

_“I was going around the east hallway to try and cut the suspect off but got trapped in the control room. The doors won’t-“_ There’s a pause and he hears her try the doors. _“-budge.”_ She finishes with a grunt. 

“Alright, I’m coming your way. Sit tight.” He responds, pushing himself off the floor with a grimace and wiping a bit of blood from his nose. Thankfully it’s not broken. He’s had enough broken noses to know exactly what they feel like, so he’s pretty sure some blood vessels just bursted in the fight. 

_“Halstead, what’s the status of the suspect?”_ Voight’s raspy voice cuts in. 

He walks over to his gun and slides it back into the holster, sighing with disappointment. 

“He got away,” Jay informs. 

_“Nope. He did not,”_ Adam cuts in. _“Got him right here sneaking out the back. You need to step up your game Halstead, this guy went down easy once he saw a gun in his face.”_

“I loosened him for you.” Jay quips back as if the suspect is a jar of pickles. 

_“Suuuure, that’s what they all say.”_

Jay smiles again, walking towards where Hailey got trapped. He contemplates how that even happened, but he supposes some of the doors might be locked from the other side. 

The control room juts out a bit farther out from the east wall and has a glass window that the workers use to survey the machinery. He can see Hailey standing by one of the doors frustratedly. He smiles at her through the window as he walks closer and she gives him an embarrassed grin. 

He’s never gonna let her live this one down. 

“Need help, princess?” He asks through the window. 

“Don’t even.” 

“Aw come on, is that any way to treat your noble savior?” He asks smugly. She gives him a death glare. “Okay okay, fine. I got it.” He concedes, raising his hands in surrender. 

Jay walks around to one of the industrial doors which has a small wired safety glass window. Hailey meets him on the other side of the door. 

“I don’t get why it won’t open though. It’s not the kind that locks from only one side.” She explains. 

Jay frowns. That is weird. He tries it himself, but it doesn’t budge. 

“Maybe it’s stuck?” He suggests. 

“Both of them?” She questions. She’s right. It wouldn’t be that. “I’ll try hitting it a bit harder.” 

He backs away a few inches just in case and she backs up before shoves herself against the door. Suddenly he hears the quiet whine of an electronic device. 

He knows that sound. 

His body goes cold and his eyes dart quickly, finding wires outlining the door that shouldn’t be there and a sensor. He can see Hailey backing up to hit it again. 

“Hailey stop!” He shouts, his hands out in front of him to gesture at her. She stops just short of the door and looks up at him with surprise and frustration before she sees the look of fear on his face. 

“What is it?” She asks apprehensively. 

“There’s a bomb… and I’m pretty sure you just armed it.” 

Her face drops and she steps back from the door. He cringes a little at the situation. This was a trap. The bomber lured them in here with his partner. 

He can smell the smoke again. 

Hear the screams. 

Feel the desert heat seeping into his bones. 

“Sarge, call the bomb squad. Hailey’s trapped in the control room and the doors are rigged to blow.” He explains into his radio. 

_“On it. Do_ **_not_ ** _touch anything else that may go off.”_ Voight commands, _“Hailey, you good?”_ He asks right after. He may seem tough and hardened to outsiders, but Jay knows he has a soft spot for family. 

“Yeah, I’m good,” Hailey responds. 

_“Alright, hang in there.”_ The Sergeant finishes before going silent, most likely calling in the bomb techs. 

Jay presses his eyes with his thumb and index finger. 

He’s the one who told Hailey to go around and cut the guy off. If he hadn’t done that she would’ve been sweeping the west side still and he could’ve seen it. How could he be so stupid— 

“Hey- it’s not your fault,” Hailey says, reading his mind. Jay scrubs his hand down his face and looks at her. He hates how well she knows him sometimes. Here she is locked in a room rigged to explode, and she’s comforting him. It should be the other way around. 

She’s too good. 

Too good _for him._

No matter what she says to placate him, this is his fault. He knows it is. He knew the building could possibly be rigged and he left Hailey alone because of his anger towards the _stupid_ bomber and his partner. 

It’s always his emotions that get in the way. 

Every. Single. Time. 

It’s always him that screws everything up. It was him who shot that little girl. Who got Marcus killed in prison all because he was trying to push him harder for information. 

The list of deaths he could’ve prevented grows longer every day. 

“It’s fine. I’m gonna get you out of this.” He tells her, running a hand through his hair nervously. “I promise.” 

He looks around the exterior of the control room for any extra triggers or components that could go off. He’s done this too many times. 

If he never sees another bomb again it’ll be too soon. 

oOo 

An hour and a thousand steps of him pacing back and forth and the bomb squad has already set a perimeter and is examining the device. Or, _trying to_ anyway. There are explosive components all in the walls surrounding the control room. Enough the blow the whole east side of the warehouse. 

The actual main device itself is up in a large air duct in the wall of the hallway that connects to a door on the opposite wall from where Jay had originally tried to get to Hailey. He just wishes there was something he could do. Hailey keeps telling him that his being there is enough for her. 

But it’s not enough for him. 

He wants so badly to go back to the station where they have the suspect and beat the information out of him. Anything that he can do to at least _try_ and be helpful instead of standing here doing _nothing._

But then he remembers Hailey. How scared she really is, even if she doesn’t seem like it on the outside. 

This is their thing. She wouldn’t leave him so there’s no way in hell he’s leaving her. 

They already tried getting him to evacuate to the outside of the perimeter once, which would’ve ended with that guy needing to suck soup through a straw for the next month if Voight hadn’t stepped in to convince them to let him stay with Hailey. 

One of the bomb techs comes out of the hallway and walks over to explain the situation. He does _not_ look too cheery. The man sighs, taking off his helmet to talk better. 

“I’ve never seen a bomb this complex before. It seems like there’s a hundred fall-back triggers. You try to disarm it one way and a whole other set of wiring and sensors will set it off.” He explains, at a loss. 

Jay’s heart plummets. 

“The walls are all laced with wires and there are sensors on the doors and windows… I don’t know if there’s anything we can do— I-I can’t think of any way to disarm it without it going off.” The bomb tech finishes sadly. 

He brushes his hands through his hair again before lacing them behind his head. 

No. No, there has to be a way. He _promised her_ that he would get her out. He promised to save her, and he will. There have been too many deaths piling up on his conscience lately and he doesn’t know how much more he’ll be able to handle. 

He… he can’t lose her too. 

After losing his mom, Jules, Terry, Luis, Al, his dad, Marcus… plus all his friends— no… _family—_ overseas. All these deaths he could’ve prevented, not to mention Erin, Mouse, and Antonio leaving… He doesn’t know if he can stomach another loss. It would break him. 

He already hasn’t been doing too great upstairs, he’s not going to deny it. 

He had been going to therapy for a little while after shooting that little girl, and everything that happened with Camilla and Luis, but after a while, it just started feeling weird. He’s always been a private person. Learning from a young age to deal with things on his own. Getting other people involved just makes things worse. Especially when his dad would just make him feel worse for feeling the ways he did. 

Patrick Halstead was never one to show affection. Or emotions, besides anger. Ever since Jay was a little kid he’s just kept things to himself. Better than getting yelled at for acting like a child. 

It felt wrong to just keep unloading all his issues on this person. The things he’s seen… even he doesn’t want to remember them, let alone expose someone else to the horrors of war. He knows it’s her job but… he just can’t shake the feeling that he’s somehow burdening her with his issues. She probably has her own problems to deal with, plus all her other patients. 

Why add to it? 

Since the death of Marcus leading to the incident with Angela, and all the other things that happened the past couple of years, his issues are getting more complex anyway. It’s not the same level of screwed up he started going there for. 

He’s been more subdued and distracted at work, the nightmares are back and only getting worse with each bombing, the PTSD, the flashbacks, the urge to drink until he can’t remember his own name. The feeling that he should just shove a gun in his mouth and get it over with so he doesn’t cause even more death around him. 

_“You deserve to die.”_ Angela’s words come to the forefront of his mind. He can’t seem to stop himself from thinking of them often. He also can’t disagree anymore. 

At this point... 

If Hailey’s going to blow up, so is he. 

Oddly enough, that morbid train of thought actually strikes up an idea. 

It’s crazy. And he’s not even sure if it will work, but he has to try. He just hopes they have enough time. He scratches his beard impulsively before relaying his idea. 

“Wait— before we make any big decisions… I may know a guy.” Jay explains. The bomb expert looks at him skeptically. 

“I’m not sure there’s anything that anyone can—“ He starts before Jay cuts him off. 

“No no, trust me— you haven’t met MacGyver.” 

The tiniest bit of hope stirs within him. It scares him. 

Out in the sandbox, when you're in the middle of nowhere being gunned down by a whole battalion of terrorists, or tortured in a dark room being screamed at in Arabic for intel while your squad members bleed out on the ground in front of you… 

Hope is a dangerous thing. 

He pulls out his phone, dialing a number he regrets to admit he hasn’t touched in a while. It rings twice before a gruff voice answers tersely on the other end. 

“Hey Dalton, you and Mac still in the bomb business?” 

**~~~**

“Charlie no,” Macgyver screams as he shoots up in bed. His arms tremble as he slowly leans back onto them, bracing himself as his chest rises and falls violently. 

If there was one thing that could be said about his nightmares, it was that they were always different and unexpected. Some nights he would think about the job he had now, particularly hard missions, others he would dream about his time overseas. 

Tonight’s dream fixated on Mason, on Charlie... He hadn’t had the nightmare about Charlie in a while, but a part of him was glad it wasn’t about Codex. Which had been the main focus of his dreams as of late. 

Mac takes a few deep breaths as he gathers his composure and recenters himself, trying to get the shaking in his arm to stop. However, the sight of the elevator crashing to the ground, the sound of the impact, It was all still so vivid in his mind. 

Not to mention the other flashbacks Charlie's death and those sounds brought back. Explosions he couldn’t get to in the military in time, the lives lost because he was too late. The family and loved ones crying at the funerals of servicemen. Watching the wife or parents of a soldier be handed a folded flag. 

Then, the more recent deaths he felt responsible for. His father, aunt, Laskey, the names were piling up, and he wasn’t sure how much more he could take on his conscience. A part of him wanted to call it, return to teaching as a professor, and give up the life he had been in for so long. 

Though he couldn’t bring himself to leave the team. Bozer, Riley, Matty, Russ, and even Desi - though she wouldn’t want to admit it - needed him in the long run. The world needed someone who could fix it, and unfortunately, he was the one who had to do it 

His grandfather would always tell him to never take his mind for granted, to use it to do good. Because _“not everyone is like you Angus, and you’ve got a lot of solutions to a lot of people’s problems_.” 

He shudders a bit at the thought of his grandfather's words before taking another deep breath. It seemed like no matter how much he tried to calm himself down, it didn't work. His nightmares were getting worse, and it was getting harder to come back from them. 

But that’s what happens when you’re isolated and left along with nothing more than your thoughts and occasional conversations with a friend. He should be working right now, working to distract himself, working to fix himself. 

It had been a month since the death of his aunt -and the near end of the word - and that long since Matty had called him into work. He had asked on multiple occasions if he was needed, but she claimed she was good on agents. 

He was too much of a risk - that’s what Desi told him anyway. That his emotional state and ‘instinct for reckless behavior’ was something The Phoenix Foundation couldn’t afford right now. He was a liability, a threat. 

He’d be lying if he said her words hadn’t stung a bit. He and Desi had never been the perfect match, without the action it didn’t seem to work right. For a while needing the intensity and action worked for them. 

But, that can only last so long, and when things got real, it got hard and she bailed. His lying to the team with Codex was the final straw. Right after, she said she forgave him, but it was obvious she didn’t, and probably never would. 

He was more damaged after Codex. 

So, she ended what they had. 

“Try therapy,” a male voice says suddenly in the dark. The sudden words - when he should be alone - prompt Mac to shoot up from the bed. His feet hitting the cold wooden floor of his bedroom as he lets a curse word slip from his lips. 

He reaches out, grabbing at the nearest thing he could grab - which was an empty water bottle on his nightstand - and holds it out in front of him. Sure it wasn’t a perfect weapon but there were at least three things Mac knew he could do with the empty bottle. 

His heart raced as he looked around the room the best he could. 

“Who's there,” Mac snaps. His eyes tried to adjust to the darkness but it wasn’t working all too well. He could only make out a larger figure of a man in front of him, standing on the opposite side of the room. 

“Chill, man,” the voice says, it doesn’t sound threatening but calming. The voice sounds more familiar than it had before, but Mac can’t place where he knows it from. A million scenarios swarming through his mind. 

Murdoc, he may have gotten out. No, that was insane. Maybe it was Mason, he had threatened the psychopath not long ago to come after him since his father died. 

Or… codex... 

Oh gosh… Bozer. 

Bozer was all alone in his room, not knowing someone was in the house, someone who could kill him. He couldn’t lose Bozer too, not after everyone he had lost. 

The intruder flips on the light to the bedroom before cracking a wide grin. Both worried and amused by Mac’s current state. With the lights on Mac sees the man who snuck into his room at 3 in the morning, only to suggest therapy. 

“Jack?” 

Standing there with his leather cuff, and greying hair is Jack Dalton. Mac’s sidekick - though if you ask Jack he would claim Mac was _his_ sidekick- and best friend since he was 19. 

“Hey buddy,” Jack says. Jack seems a bit hesitant to be too excited, likely worried about how Mac was doing since he just woke in a panic. So Mac laughs slightly, shaking his head as he sets down the water bottle. 

“I miss ya,” Jack adds once he sees Mac is relatively okay, clapping his hands together and letting out an amused laugh. Which immediately causes Mac’s smile to grow. Mac makes his way over to 

He made his way over to the as the two embraced, Mac’s arms tightly wrapping around the other man. The man who had spent ten years protecting him and making sure nothing happened to him. 

Saying he missed Jack would be, well, an understatement. Sure the rest of the team was still there, but Jack was his partner. Without him, things felt a lot more dangerous. He felt more raw and exposed than he ever did before. 

Maybe if Jack had been there with Codex, things would have worked out differently. 

Maybe if Jack had been there, innocent people would have still been alive. 

One thing was for certain though, if Jack had been there… Mack would have been okay. 

Maybe they were severely codependent... 

After a moment they let go, and before Mac could ask what he was doing back, Jack spoke up. 

“We caught Kovac, he’s getting locked up for life as we speak,” Jack informs. Already knowing Mac was going to ask about Kovac. “Soon as I got my feet back on American soil I called Matty and you have a new partner,” Jack says. 

“Technically old, and I don’t just mean that because we used to be partners before you left,” Mac jokes. 

“Yeah very funny, _Angus_ ,” Jack responds. 

Mac playfully rolls his eyes before he glances down. "I'm glad, I need a partner who I can trust to have my back," he says. There's an expression on Jack's face that Mac can easily read. His 'I'm going to ask about that comment later' face. 

Jack had sent in Desi as his replacement, and things hadn't entirely worked out. Though Jack was completely clueless as to how much of a disaster that turned out to be. 

“Well, I am sorry to say you may find being my partner to be boring as of late,” he says. “Matty hasn’t put me on an assignment in a month,” he adds. 

He glances back up at Jack, trying not to show his disappointment on his features, but Jack knows him enough to know he's going crazy. 

Jack goes silent for a moment before speaking up. “Yeah, man, I heard what happened with - well, everything,” he says slowly. “Sorry I wasn’t here for you,” he adds and Mac can hear the guilt in his voice. 

“Wouldn’t have made a difference if you were," he lies. Things may have still gone down the drain, but if Jack has been there, it would have made a world of difference. "You being there wouldn’t have changed things, not in the long run anyway. There was nothing you could have done,” Mac finishes. 

He takes in a deep breath, pushing down the memories the best he could. The screeching of the elevator ringing in his ears, the sound of his father begging him to go, how it felt to be embraced in his aunt's arms for the first and last time... He swallows before pressing his lips together. Trying to hide his pain from the other man. 

“Same can be said about you man,” Jack says. "You did what you could. Matty, she's really proud of you," he tells the younger man. He doesn’t wait for Mac’s response before speaking up. “But, saying hi wasn’t the only thing I came here for. We have an assignment,” he says. 

“But Matty…” 

“Matty didn’t order this one,” he cuts in. “Your expertise was directly requested. Even if she wanted to say no, she can’t,” Jack says. “I got the call on my way here, so get clothes on and let’s go,” Jack pauses and looks back at Mac. 

Jack pauses for a moment. "Did I hear Bozer was staying with you?" 

“Yeah, Bozer is still sleeping in his old room, and the mask is in the same place you left it,” Mac says, shaking his head as Jack bounces from the room and makes his way to Bozer’s room, with the intent on scarring him. 

Once he was dressed and ready to go, Mac says goodbye to Bozer -who was still calming himself down from Jack’s surprise visit. 

After grabbing some coffee to wake himself up, Mac and Jack left the airfield. The entire drive there Jack is filling Mac in on everything about finding Kovac. _Everything._ Even if the intel is likely classified or above Mac’s clearance. 

Jack plays it off as cool, but Mac knows it’s a lot worse than he’s letting on. He knows what being in a war can be like, he knows the after effects it has on a person. No matter how brave or strong someone is, war changes them. 

Once Jack had finished his long story, they were arriving at the airfield. Mac noticed Riley and Matty there as well, standing by the aircraft, waiting for Jack and Mac to arrive. Both saying a quick hello to Jack before he got on the plane. Though, Riley kept eyeing Mac suspiciously. 

“We’re glad your back, Jack,” Riley smiles. 

“Yeah, well I knew I needed to come back, or else who knows the trouble you’d keep getting into,” Jacks says as he gives her one more hug before heading towards the jet. “I’ll see you on the plane,” he calls back. 

“Take care,” Matty says to Mac before she walks in the other direction, leaving Mac alone with Riley. 

“How are you holdin’ up,” she asks, shifting on her feet a bit. Things between the two had been different lately, though Mac assumed that was his own messed up mind. Things hadn’t really changed, just how he viewed it. 

“Alright, I mean, Jack’s back so who knows how long that will last-” he began to joke. 

“I’m being serious,” Riley cuts in. Mac takes a deep breath in, running a hand through his hair before meeting her eyes. 

“I’m gonna be fine, _Riles_ , just keep your phone nearby in case I need to call,” he adds. 

“Always do,” she smiles faintly. She grabs his hand and gives it a firm squeeze before following after Matty, which is Mac’s cue to head to the plane and get information on the assignment from Jack. 

Both men sat down across from each other as the plane got ready to take off. Once in the air, Mac gave Jack a look 

“This assignment isn’t assigned from Phoenix, that much is evident. So where are we going,” he asks. If this was any other person, Mac wouldn’t have gotten on the plane without knowing. But, he knew Jack would have his best interests at heart. 

“Chicago,” Jack says. “Remember Jay Halstead?” 

Mac nodded, it wasn’t like it took him much to remember the other man. Jack had met Jay before Mac had even joined the army. They were on the same team for a few months before Jack was transferred to the bomb squad, where he met Mac. 

After a few months, Jay and Jack were once again on assignment together, which is when Mac met him. Jay had saved Mac’s life more than once. 

On one such occasion, he used his body to block Mac from gunfire while he worked on a bomb. Mac hadn’t even realized Jay had been shot until after the bomb was disabled, the shootout had stopped, and they were almost back to base. 

Jay’s arm was bleeding slightly from being nicked, but his entire leg was covered in blood. The next few days after he had a limp. However, since Mac was able to care for it on the drive back to the infirmary there wasn’t too much lasting damage. 

They planned to stay in touch, but when Jay left he went to the police academy, and Mac, well, he went to DXS, and later Phoenix, so it got hard to keep in touch. Though, Mac would always make sure to send him a birthday, Christmas card, and a letter on veterans day. 

“Yeah, of course, I remember him,” Mac responds. Suddenly becoming more focused on what this mission would be, the last thing he needed was for Jay to be hurt. “Is he… okay?” 

Jack nods, and Mac lets go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

“Yeah, but his partner isn’t so lucky. They were tracking a suspect through a building, and it was a trap. His partner, Hailey, is now stuck inside a room in the building with an explosive. It’s not on a timer, but it’s tied to the doors.” 

Mac could feel his breathing once again constrict. His mind going back to Charlie, his crashing to the ground. The sounds of explosions overseas. His friend being blown up from The Ghost… a bomb meant for him. 

He could see his father laying there, telling him to get out of the building while he held them off. The explosion that killed his father ringing in his ears. 

Then, the same thing happening with his aunt. The last bit of blood family he had left. The worst part about that death was Mac wanted it for himself so bad, _but she took it from him_. She made him live with the memories. 

He hadn’t told anyone about that... 

“They called in a bomb team but Jay refuses to let anyone touch it, he called me directly and asked for you,” Jack adds. He seems to pick up on Mac’s distance as he continues. “I know you haven’t dealt with a bomb, or even been on an assignment since Codex, but Jay needs you, man,” he says slowly. 

“Yeah, yeah of course,” Mac says as he sucks in a deep breath. “I’ve handled plenty of bombs before, you know that,” he adds, quickly brushing Jack’s worry off. He doesn’t need the concern or pity. 

“See, that’s what he told his team,” Jack says. His voice hints at pride for Mac, and he missed that. He missed Jack being the one person on the team who never questioned him, unless of course, Mac was asking for his phone. 

“So did Jay tell you anything about the bomb,” he asks. Jack nods and pulls his phone from his pocket, reluctantly handing it over to Mac. 

“Just look at the photos alright,” he scolds preemptively. “This was the only image Jay was able to get of the bomb. It’s triggered by opening the doors or windows, there doesn’t seem to be a way in or access point from inside.” 

Mac examined the bomb from the photo for a moment before tossing Jack his phone back. “That image tells me nothing, except it’s dangerous,” he sighs, wishing he had been given a better glimpse at what he would be dealing with. He needed time to prepare, to make a plan. 

“Tell Jay not to go near the door till I get there,” he tells Jack. Who nods and sends Jay a quick message. 

“Now listen man, you know I’d like to catch up, but get some rest,” Jack says once the message is sent. Before Mac can protest Jack continues. “Besides, I want to get some shut-eye and don’t need your scientific mumbo jumbo in my ear, alright.” 

Mac lets out a short laugh before nodding. “Yeah, got it,” he says sarcastically. Though, he is glad that Jack doesn’t want to catch up. Sleep hasn't exactly been easy lately. Not to mention waking up how he did, he could use a few extra minutes to nap. 

He pressed his eyes shut before sending a plea to the universe that he could sleep for the rest of the flight, it would take a few hours to get to Chicago from LA, even with the private jet. Shortly after, Mac feels his body get heavy as he drifts off to sleep. 

Mac sleeps for the entire flight, exhaustion having taken over. Mac woke as the plane was in descent. After stretching, he taps Jack on the arm, waking him up. 

“Are we there already,” the other man groans. 

“Yeah, we are,” Mac mumbled, running his hands through his hair to push it from his face. “Question is do we have a ride from the airport,” he asks. 

“Jay said a team member would be waiting for us,” Jack answers as the plane hits the ground. Once the engine stops, Mac and Jack make their way off the plane and spot a man not far away. “That must be him,” Jack says as they approach. 

“Jack Dalton and Angus Macgyver,” the man asks. When both of them not, the man continues, “Name’s Adam Ruzek.” He takes a step away from the car and offers his hand to shake. Both Jack and Mac shake it firmly before he steps aside. 

“We should get going, Jay’s been waiting for your plane to land, and not patiently,” he tells them. Without waiting Mac heads towards the passenger's seat, opening the door. 

“Dude,” Jack says, giving Mac a ‘what the heck’ look. Without waiting, Mac sits down. 

“What, Jay asked for my help,” he says. To which Jack rolled his eyes and got into the backseat. Adam started the car and began driving to the bomb site. The closer they got, the more worried he grew. 

What if he couldn’t do it? 

“We should get donuts on the way, cops like donuts,” Jack pipes from the back seat. Causing Mac to lose his train of thought. 

“Jack, stop,” Mac says in annoyance. Though Adam let out a slight laugh. 

“We got donuts and coffee there already,” he points out. To which, Jack pats Mac’s arm. 

“Told you,” he says. 

Mac shakes his head once more before looking back out the window. Remaining silent until they arrive at the scene. Crime tape was sectioning off the dangerous area. An area Mac already knew wasn’t wide enough. If the bomb went off… the diameter of the explosion would hit the civilians standing around to see what was happening. 

Without waiting for the car to completely stop, Mac hopes out, immediately addressing the other law enforcement in the area. “We need to extend the blast zone, this is way too close. At least another 50 yards or more,” he tells them, without wasting a moment. 

“Anyone who doesn’t want to risk lung issues in case the bomb does go off needs to be at least 100 yards away,” he tells them. Jack is now outside the car by his side. As they look at the people around them. 

“Go on, do what he says,” Adam says, not questioning his expertise before turning towards another man. “Sarge, this is Macgyver,” he introduces. 

The man who Adam referred to as Sarge nods. “Jay is inside,” he says. 

“I’ll take you to him,” Adam adds before leading Mac and Jack into the building. It was dark and definitely abandoned. It screamed dangerous. “So how do you know Jay? He seems pretty confident in your ability,” Adam says. 

“We were in the army together, did a couple of missions side by side,” Mac says slowly. He swallows as they walk deeper into the building. It was the exact kind of place Murdoc or Mason would hang out. Mac could feel his breathing get tight as he looked around. He had never been this paranoid before. 

“Whoa, there must be some stories there,” Adam adds 

He could have sworn he saw something move in the distance, something that resembled himself. Though, he decided it would be best not to bring that up. 

Maybe Matty was right to keep him from the field. 

“Um- yeah, quite a lot,” Mac responds, not going into any more detail than that. Mac can see Adam nod, but he doesn’t press, realizing Mac isn’t entirely focused on him. 

He could do this, he had done it before, and in a much more dangerous situation. Where bullets were raining down all around him. He could do this. 

Jay’s partner wasn’t Charlie. He could do this. 

He had to do this. 

“Jay,” Jack called when they spotted the other man. 

“Hey, Jay,” Mac adds. Already trying to assess the state of the door in front of him. “I need to know everything you can tell me about the bomb and when it was triggered.” 

**_~~~_ **

Time seems to stretch on forever. 

Jay keeps checking the clock obsessively out of his anxiety. Hailey’s sitting in one of the computer chairs that are stationed at the control panels. She swivels it around, seemingly bored just sitting in the room by herself. 

He doesn’t know how she’s managing to be _bored_ during a situation like this. 

In the army, he learned to keep his emotions locked away when needed. To focus on the mission and not panic. But for some reason, he’s been having trouble keeping to that regimen as of late. He guesses it’s just another sign he’s starting to lose it. 

That’s another thing, if Hailey finds out he hasn’t gone back to therapy after everything that’s happened with his dad and Al and Marcus, she’ll probably kill him. He hopes that it’s been long enough since the incidents that she doesn’t see him as damaged as he was then, but he can’t be too sure. He always feels like he’s crumbling further and further, but he’s been told by people before that they would’ve never noticed he was upset or yelled at that he didn’t open up enough. 

That he was too closed off to be with— too _damaged_ to be with. 

She already said last time that if he didn’t start taking it seriously she would find a new partner. He doesn’t want to lose her, but she doesn't understand. Yeah, she has her issues from childhood just like him, way worse than his, but… the things he’s seen and done as a Ranger… she has no idea. 

She’s been through her own fair share, yes, but he’s never told her all of it. In fact, he’s barely told anyone _anything_ about it. There are some things that have happened that make even the most hardened people he’s met cringe. Things he vows never to talk about anymore. 

_Ever._

He hates it. He hates that there are some things so wrong about him that it makes someone physically grimace at him. Like he’s some poor disgusting person for them to pity to make themselves feel better. 

That’s why he keeps it to himself. No one actually cares. You tell them something bad that happened to you and they get uncomfortable and say they’re sorry. What’s the point in giving them unnecessary pain? 

With Erin, it wasn’t too bad. She had all her issues that she focused on. That _he_ could focus on. Offer up his support so he could ignore his own hurts and focus on helping her heal. 

Then she left. 

She left and it felt like a spotlight was turned on _him_. Exposing all of his issues to himself whenever he closed his eyes. 

And with Hailey… He’s still determining. It’s much too soon in their relationship for him to be coming to her with all his demons. She’s already heard too much during his... _difficult_ stretch... when he was undercover with Camilla and Luis. 

He knows his restlessness is causing her to be concerned though. It takes all of his willpower to not text Jack every few minutes to ask where they are. 

Breathe. Just breathe. Mac can do this. 

He’s trusted the man with his life more times than he can count and Mac has never let him down. Jay supposes it’s unfair to put so much pressure on him. It’s not Mac’s fault that Jay sent Hailey in there. 

He also knows how hard the guy takes it when he can’t save everyone. If this goes sideways… he needs to make sure that Mac knows it’s not his fault. There might not be much he can do to convince him otherwise, but Jay is going to do everything in his power to lessen the burden. 

He just now realizes that he was thinking about if the bomb still does go off. If he loses yet another partner to this job. No one will forgive him. 

He won’t forgive himself. 

“Surprised you haven’t burned a hole in the floor with all your pacing,” Voight says approaching from the perimeter. 

He stops in his tracks realizing how annoying it probably is. Was he really pacing that entire time? He can’t remember, he wasn’t paying attention. He rubs a hand over his face and blows out a puff of air, Voight guiding him to an area slightly away from the action. 

“You good?” The older man asks, his voice softer than usual. A far cry from how Voight used to treat him after he first joined. His heart swells a little at knowing their relationship has become closer. Voight’s been more of a father to him in his time working here than his own was dad his entire life. 

“Sorry I’m just… just gettin’ a little restless. That’s all.” He responds vaguely. 

“If you believe in this MacGyver guy, then so do I.” Jay nods, looking down. He hopes that his denial isn’t causing him to have any blind faith and put too much pressure on Mac. “Hey,” Voight adds, putting a hand on Jay’s shoulder to get his attention. “We’re all doing everything in our power to get her out of there. This is not how she goes out, you hear me?” 

Jay looks up at the Sergeant through his eyelashes before nodding softly, and Voight claps his shoulder again before walking back to talk to some of the other officers on scene. He wipes the slight wetness from his eyes before heading back over to the window and checking on Hailey. 

“For the thousandth time, I’m still just as fine as I was before, Jay.” She states, not even letting him say anything first. 

“I wasn’t gonna ask, I just… okay yeah I was gonna ask.” He concedes and she smiles smugly at him. 

oOo 

After a long while later, or at least what felt like one to him, Adam drives up in his car, and Jay’s heart speeds up. 

_It’s them-_

His breath hitches in his throat. It’s been seven and half hours since he called Jack, and he knows that’s the absolute fastest they could’ve flown here since Jack hadn’t seemed to have been in LA already, but it’s felt like literally forever. Or maybe that’s just because his anxiety was off the charts and he can barely keep his thoughts straight other than drowning in his own guilt. 

He sees Mac get out of the passenger seat and already start ordering people around. 

That makes him smirk a bit. Always ready to get to work and get things in order. A lot of guys overseas would get defensive about Mac’s readiness to tell people what to do, but Jay didn’t mind. The kid knew what he was doing and knew what he needed other people to do. Listening to him saved lives and that’s all that mattered. 

There were more than a few guys Jay had to pull aside and knock some sense into. He would never let Mac know that though, although Jay is sure he had to suspect something when some of the guys that had a previous dislike of him started suddenly treating him normally. 

He snaps out of his reminiscing at the sound of his name from a familiar and welcome voice. Jack Dalton, walking beside Mac as they’re both led in by Adam. 

He just now worries about his appearance. Another thing he hadn’t even thought about. He hasn’t even cleaned all the blood from under his nose. It’s basically pointless trying to get it out of his beard anyway without any water. It’s not like this is the first time they’ve seen him bloody and bruised and tired. 

“Hey, Jay,” Mac greets, and Jay nods in return with a fond smile on his face. The kid looks worn and tired, a little older. But seems ready to help. Mac spares no time for small talk. “I need to know everything you can tell me about the bomb and when it was triggered.” 

Jay nods again, before quickly giving an explanation of the case they’ve been dealing with. 

“He’s bombed eleven buildings, seemingly targeting veterans and cops. Great combo I know,” he adds sarcastically, knowing the other men would feel just as angry about it as he is. “We came in here to chase a suspect we know is working with the bomber and…” He stops and takes a shaky breath, “I sent Hailey through there to cut the guy off and the doors locked when she got in there.” 

He looks over at Hailey for a second in the middle of his explanation. He can feel the guilt oozing off of himself. He continues. 

“She tried to open up the door and I heard the whine of the sensor gets triggered. The techs came in and said it has a bunch of fallback triggers and basically that there was nothing they could do. That’s when I called you.” 

Mac seems to still be scoping out the door while he listens, and Jay can see the gears turning in his head. He tries to avoid the gaze of Jack who Jay knows is giving him a sympathetic look at the explanation of the cause of the case, and probably his apparent guilt towards Hailey. 

“I just… I know your tendency to do the impossible so… I hoped you might be able to help.” 

**~~~**

“He’s bombed eleven buildings,” Jay begins. 

Eleven buildings… how did eleven buildings get bombed and no one called him till now? Why wouldn’t Matty inform him about this, were there people in those buildings? How many people had died because Mac was stuck on the bench? 

“...seemingly targeting veterans and cops. Great combo I know,” he adds. 

Mac can’t help himself from shuttering a bit. He can’t tell if it’s from the weather in Chicago, which was much colder than he was used to, or the dreaded feeling that was sinking down on him. 

Jay seems to be busy with recounting the events to see it, but Jack notices. 

So Mac quickly averts his attention to the trapped door. Making his way over and examining it, trying to understand the bomb and the bomber. 

“We came in here to chase a suspect we know is working with the bomber and…” Jay pauses for a moment before continuing. He’s rattled, and Mac can see that. “I sent Hailey through there to cut the guy off and the doors locked when she got in here,” he finishes 

While Jay looks at Hailey, Mac steps off to the side, looking at the window and walls - all of which seem to have been tampered with - meaning the wires are complex. 

He had no idea what he was going to do. 

“She tried to open up the door and I heard the whine of the sensor getting triggered. The techs came in and said it has a bunch of fallback triggers and basically that there was nothing they could do. That’s when I called you.” 

Mac keeps his back turned to Jay, he can’t see the hope in the other man’s eyes, and he can’t let the other man see the doubt creeping into Mac’s mind. 

Kneeling down Mac examines the floor, he can faintly see the trigger plate, but it’s on the other side of the door where Hailey is. The trigger was what shut the door, the pressure armed the bomb. 

The good news, there wasn’t any set timer, meaning he could take his time. 

The bad news, anything could trigger it. 

“I just… I know your tendency to do the impossible so… I hoped you might be able to help.” 

Mac can’t help let the sigh escape from his lips as he stands up. 

Hope was dangerous, it got people killed. He got people killed. 

He brushes his hands through his hair as he nods along. He shouldn’t make a promise he can’t keep. But he can’t let Jay tear himself apart. The man is already blaming himself for sending her this way, who knows the guilt he would feel if the bomb actually went off, and she died. Who knows how bad it would tear Jay apart. Well, Mac knew how bad it would be. 

The faces kept _him_ awake at night. 

“It’s complicated,” Mac admits as he turns around to face Jay. “But I don’t think it’s completely impossible to disable. The actual bomb is inside the room but it isn’t on any sort of timer,” he says. 

Once again, Mac feels Jack eyeing him. It was Jack who told Mac never to promise the family you could do it. But he ignores it. 

“The first thing we need to do is to find a way to open the area, figure out a way to get me inside, and get her out. Once I’m inside I can disable the explosive,” he tells Jay. 

Mac makes his way over towards the window. Behind the glass, he can see Hailey looking back at him. She looks a lot like Nikki, another ghost of his past coming to taunt him. The same blonde hair, even her facial expressions were the same. 

His lack of sleep is getting to him, which wasn’t a good thing. 

“Hey Hailey, my name's Macgyver, I’m a friend of Jay’s. We’re gonna get you outta there,” he promises. 

He promised Charlie that too. 

No, she wasn’t Charlie, this wasn’t what Mason had done. Why would Mason go after random cops and vets in Chicago? Mac had no connections to Chicago, aside from Jay. Then a twinge of pain hits him. What if Jay was the target, what if it was Mason. Targeting someone else Mac cared for. 

Mac let go of the breath he was holding. “But I’m going to need your help. I need you to get your phone out and take photos of every corner, wall, light fixture, or panel of the room,” he says. 

“Thanks, but I’ve been here for hours,” she responds. “Phones completely dead.” 

“Okay,” Mac mumbles. He pauses and bites the inside of his lip, looking around the room, the gears in his mind turning. He spots a taser and gun attached to her and smiles a bit. “Then I need you to build a charger,” he states. 

“Build a- C’mon Jay, who is this guy,” Hailey says looking over at Jay. 

“Just trust him,” Jay responds. She seems somewhat hesitant, but nods, trusting that Jay knows what he’s talking about. 

“Okay, so I’m gonna walk you through how to make a charger,” he tells him. “You're gonna need to get your gun and taser out,” he says. He pauses and looks over at Jack and Jay, “I need you guys to set up a replica of the room, with cardboard or wood, I don’t care, but the measurements and everything need to be the same.” 

Jack nods but looks confused. 

“I’m going to have Riley examine the images of the room Hailey will take. I’ll use the fake room you two set up to make a 3D plan and figure out how we’re gonna disable it. Go on,” he says urging the two. 

Jack immediately gets to work and Mac gives Jay a faint smile. 

oOo 

_ It took everything Mac had not to open the second bottle. Not to drown himself in a wave of tears and whiskey. _

_ It may not have been the best idea to honor his grandfather's memory by having a drink for the man, because by now he had finished a full bottle of his grandfather’s whiskey collection. A collection he had spent years making. _

_ Though, it’s not like his grandfather was here to do anything about it.  _

_ Mac had thought he had come to accept his grandfather’s passing, but he supposed that being away overseas allowed him to ignore the reality of his grandfather’s death.  _

_ Overseas it was easier to ignore because he didn’t feel the missing presence of the older man. It was hard enough to keep up with letters to the Bozers’, so not contacting his grandpa wasn’t strange.  _

_ But now, he was living alone in his grandfather’s large and empty house. At first, it hadn’t hit him. He’d been busy lately, between getting things unpacked for Bozer moving in, going to Chicago on the 4th, and started training at DXS, he hadn’t been given time to grieve.  _

_ Then Jack got an assignment and Bozer had to go on a two-week college trip to the Atlanta Film festival. Mac didn’t have the heart to ask Bozer to hold off on going because of what dates he’d be gone. Not after his childhood best friend spent an hour rambling about what would happen on the trip. _

_ So instead, Mac had plastered a fake smile on his face and encouraged him to go. _

_ It took two days before the loneliness hit and Mac started reading old MIT textbooks to keep himself busy. By day four, it was just depression hitting. He was exhausted from training and had a huge bruise on his ribs. _

_ Not to mention it was officially the day his grandfather had passed. Making it four years since Mac’s grandfather had died in the hospital bed.  _

_ Standing up, Mac makes his way into the kitchen, setting down the empty bottle and rubbing his forehead. He was already starting to feel that pinch behind his eyes that he got when he started getting a little bit too drunk. _

_ He heard a knock at his door and glanced up, trying to remember if he had any plans with anyone. Maybe it was a food delivery guy, wait- no he hadn’t ordered anything for dinner did he? _

_ “Coming,” Mac mumbles a bit before making his way over to the door and opening it up, trying to appear as sober as he could. _

_ When he opens the door he’s greeted by two familiar faces, Jay Halstead and Jack Dalton. Mac can’t help his expression from twisting into a confused look as he stares at the two of them. Trying to figure out why they were here. _

_ “The conference ended early,” Jack says, clearing up some of the confusion. “So I called Jay and invited him out for the week,” he adds. _

_ “Um- why?” Mac asks. “I mean, it’s good to see you guys, I’m just a bit confused as to why you two are-” _

_ “I know what today is, Mac,” Jack points out. “I also know that Bozer is out of town,” he adds. “I saw his Facebook post,” he says. Jack doesn’t wait for the invite into the house before brushing past Mac and making his way into the room, setting down the bags. _

_ “We didn’t want you to be alone,” Jay says softly. “We get it, both of us do,” he points out. “You know how much of a wreck I was last month. You were there for me, it’s my turn.”  _

_ Mac smiles a bit as he steps aside, letting Jay into the house. Things still felt heavy, but at least he wasn’t forced to stay in his mind the next two weeks. At least he had some relief, people there to pick him back up when he needed it. _

oOo 

“I can’t believe that actually worked,” Hailey muses as she watches her phone screen light up. 

Mac wished he could be impressed with himself, but he wasn’t. Getting a phone charged wasn’t anywhere near the amount of work he had to do. But if he could get the images to Riley, she could figure out where the wiring was on the inside. 

Hailey goes to work taking the images as Mac glances at Jack and Jay. 

“Jack, can you get Riley on a video call,” he asks. His shoulders tense as he looks at the fake room layout that Jay and Jack set up for him. 

This had to work. 

If it didn’t he would be back at square one and have wasted everyone's time. Despite the fact, the bomb wasn’t on a timer, that didn’t mean it wasn’t on a different kind of offsetting, one that could make it explode at any moment. 

What if this was all a decoy. Get the cops in one area, set off another bomb killing them all… 

At least if that happened Mac would be taken out as well. 

He wasn’t going to live with the guilt of Hailey dying. Either she got out, or he blew up with her. 

He can feel Jay glancing at him, the other man sensing his worry. He’s tried to hide it, he really has. The only good part of all this was he didn’t have much time to think of anything but the problem. 

Well, the bomb anyway. 

He was the problem, at the heart of it. He should have a fix by now. 

“Hey Mac,” Riley’s voice cuts through his mind and he looks up. A smile immediately spreads across his face. 

“Hey Riles, alright so I’m gonna need your help. Hailey is going to send you images of the room she’s in. I need you to run them through analysis. Find anything that can hint at the location of a wire. Whether it’s wire directly, or a moved item from the blueprints or-” 

“Paint chipping, shifted panels, I got it,” she finishes. 

Mac nods as Riley gets to work on the images. Glancing at Jay, Mac forces a smile on his face. “We’re gonna figure this out, Jay. Riley will be able to find those wires, we’ll use the room to figure out how to get to her, alright,” he tells him. 

“We’ll figure this out,” he mumbles, more like he was convincing himself. 

And he was, he really needed to convince himself. 

**_~~~_ **

While Mac starts getting to work, Jack puts his hand on Jay’s shoulder in greeting. He squeezes lightly and it turns into a small gesture of comfort, effectively snapping him away from his worried thoughts. 

He must look as bad as he thought. 

The older man always had a soft spot for strays, and back in Afghanistan, he was like a second father to Jay and Mac. Lord knows their own left much to be desired. 

Mac never talked too negatively about the man, but Jay knows it when he sees it. Mac has that same look in his eyes when Jack does something a real father would. His need for praise that his dad probably never satiated. Jay understands it all too well. 

He turns his attention to Mac as he explains the bomb might actually be able to be disarmed. He hates the relief that he feels. It’s not over. It’s still not a big chance. 

“The first thing we need to do is to find a way to open the area, just enough to get some food and water into her, after that, we find a way to get her out, and me inside that room. Once I’m inside I can disable it,” the blond explains. 

Jay’s brow furrows a bit at that, and he can see Jack is just as apprehensive. If Mac is stuck inside the room with Hailey and it does go off, Mac will go too, and Jay is not too keen on putting the kid’s life at risk before his own. 

It’s his (and Jack’s) job to keep Mac safe. Overseas or not, they made a pact. And he’s tried his hardest to make sure it was carried out. 

It killed him whenever he failed. 

oOo 

_The blast was deafening._

_They couldn’t even get to the bomb in time to disarm it, it was too late. Jack was further off behind them, shooting at some rebels, and Jay was following Mac into the building to watch his back._

_He should’ve gone ahead to sweep the building first. Should’ve made sure it was safe._

_The blast threw him and Mac backward, splinters and pebbles and all sorts of debris and shrapnel flying with them, showering them with the pieces. Jay saw white as he landed roughly on his back, forcing the wind out his lungs. He couldn’t take in any for at least ten seconds before his lungs decided to start working again._

_His ear rang and throbbed, no doubt the eardrums were busted to hell._

_He coughed at the dust in the air, but couldn’t even hear it._

_Mac. Where’s Mac-_

_Jay rolled painfully onto his side, still coughing roughly, to see Mac a few yards away, unconscious._

_The Ranger flinched at the muffled sounds of automatic gunfire not far down the road. He needed to get to the kid. Jack would kill him if he let anything happen to the kid._

_He crawled over to the blond soldier, checking him for injuries. The shaking hand he put to the kid’s neck confirmed he’s still alive, causing Jay to sag with relief. Upon further inspection, Mac had a sizable lump on the back of his head that was bleeding substantially._

_D*mn. He knew he should’ve told the kid to put on his helmet. Although at this point he’d learned there’s no stopping MacGyver when he had an idea._

_Jay got behind the kid and grabbed under his arms, dragging him next to a nearby building for at least_ **_some_ ** _cover. He ducked and covered his head as a stray bullet tore a chunk out of the corner of the building._

_This was not an ideal spot for cover but he had to make do. He yanked off his shemagh scarf and pressed it to the back of Mac’s head to try and staunch the bleeding. Jay smacked his hand lightly on the younger man’s cheek, still ducking whenever a gunshot sounds too close for comfort._

_“Mac! C’mon buddy, now is really not the time for a nap.” Jay tried to no avail. He could barely hear his own words over the ringing. “You know Jack will never forgive me if you get hurt and he promised to let me drive his Cobra when we get stateside so I am not letting you ruin this for me.”_

_The kid still doesn’t wake up._

_“D*mn it, Angus.” He swore, hoping that maybe the use of the younger man’s first name would cause him to stir. It was no use. He got hit pretty good. Probably had at least a grade two concussion and wouldn't be waking up for a few minutes._

_He hoped Jack was still doing okay. The Saudi rebels were closing in on all sides, boxing them in. He just then realized that he didn’t have his gun. He whipped his head around to look for it while keeping pressure on Mac’s head wound._

_It was a few yards away, having been blown farther back by the blast than he was. And just so happened to be out in the open where the gunfire is happening. No way he was getting that._

_A ricocheting bullet hit the back of his vest and felt like a fist. But a fist is better than dead._

_He pulled his Glock out of its holster and held it near his chest, ready to snap his arm out at any moment and fire. He had to protect Mac at any cost. The kid was too smart to die. The world needed him more than he thought._

_Smartest person Jay ever met, and probably will ever meet. Part of him wished Mac hadn’t gotten mixed up in all this at all._

_He was only nineteen, not even old enough to drink, and was bleeding in Jay’s arms. He couldn’t handle any more kids on his conscience, even if this one was technically an adult._

_He heard hostiles screaming in Pashto, something about ‘killing the American dogs’._

_He could hear flashbangs and grenades, and the screams of other soldiers who’ve been hit. His heart pounded loudly but it still wasn’t loud enough to cover the screams._

_He would never forget those screams._

_Debris flew everywhere around them, but all he cared about was shielding Mac. The noises got louder and he curled over the younger man, blocking the blond’s body with his own._

_A rebel came from around the corner, gun raised, and Jay whipped his own gun out, firing three shots center mass until the terrorist fell to the ground, still firing on the way down. One of the stray bullets tore through his side down near the hip and he let out a short grunt at the stab of pain._

_Fear and adrenaline coursed through him like the blood in his veins._

_He prayed to God that they would make it out of this one._

_He also prayed that the bullet was still in his side. As much of a b*tch as it will be to pull it out, he’d rather have it stopped in his body then have gone straight through and hit Mac. He hoped the kid wasn’t more seriously injured than he first thought._

_Another two hostiles approached them, and he lifted his gun again, shooting at them both. One fell, but the other bullet missed. He pulled the trigger again but he was out of bullets. The clip was empty._

_He was sure that was it. That’s how they were gonna die._

_The enemy came closer, realizing Jay was out of ammo, and smiled antagonistically with crooked brown teeth, seeming to be enjoying how incapacitated his prey was. It made Jay’s stomach turn. In a last-ditch effort to protect the unconscious soldier under him, he curled his body over the kid to shield him from the gunfire. It might have been useless, but at least it gave Mac a shot to appear dead so they don’t actually kill him._

_It’s pathetic, he came to think, that in his other unit he probably would’ve already taken out a hundred of these guys in the time he’d been crouched there, but this kid somehow wormed his way into Jay’s orbit, and the Ranger couldn’t help but feel the need to protect him as his family._

_He may have been bent over Mac’s body, but he wasn’t going to look away. Wouldn’t give this bastard the satisfaction of seeing his fear. He held his ground and glared sharply at the rebel as the man raised his weapon up to Jay’s forehead. If he was going to die right here, right now, it would be with dignity and pride knowing he was able to keep Mac alive._

_Then a shot rang out and Jay gasped, blood splattering his already dirt and sweat-covered face._

_The terrorist dropped to the ground dead._

_Jay’s eyes adjusted to focus on a figure not five yards away._

_Jack Dalton, lowering a smoking assault rifle._

_He had never been so happy to see that smug Texan grin than right then in that moment. The older man ran towards them, picking up Jay’s thrown MK-16 on his way over, before stopping to crouch next to him and Mac._

_“Halstead, how ya guys doin’ over here?” Jack asked, looking concerned down at Mac._

_Jay checked the scarf he had pressed to MacGyver’s head wound, to see it had stopped bleeding. He sighs in relief._

_“Never thought I’d say this out loud but, great now that you’re here, Dalton,” he said with a breathy (And slightly hysterical sounding) laugh._

_“Well, I'll be. I never thought I’d see the day where you actually acknowledge my--_ **_obvious_ ** _\-- greatness.”_

_“Don’t get used to it,” Jay warned, pointing his finger at the man tiredly and panting heavily from exertion and the heat. He turned his attention back to the kid. “He hit his head in the blast. Pretty sure it’s a grade two since the bleeding stopped already.”_

_Jack nodded before shaking Mac’s shoulder. The blond stirred a little, grumbling about leaving him alone, and Jack smiled for a second before he looked up at Jay, eyes turned scrutinizing. Jay thinks he’s seen a similar expression before, from his own father. It looked a lot like disappointment or anger. Like he didn’t do something right._

_Right. He was supposed to keep Mac safe. This definitely isn’t considered safe._

_“I should’ve gone first, I know. I’ll do better from now on, I promise.”_

_“Naw kid- That’s not-” Jack stumbled over his words a bit before sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose. “I swear you friggin’ kids will be the death of me,” he mutters under his breath before adding, “I was gonna ask if_ **_you_ ** _were alright.”_

_Oh. It wasn’t disappointment he had seen, it was concern directed at him._

_“Well I’m not breathing through a hole in my forehead right now so I’d say overall, not too bad,” Jay responds, before moving to stand. “What about you, how are y- AH-” He grunted as the bullet in his side shifted and sent a shock of pain through his whole torso and leg. He grimaced as he slowly returned to his crouched position._

_Jack scanned his eyes over the Ranger’s body for injuries before he saw the red splotch over his lower left abdomen, right below the vest. The Delta operator scoffed and rolled his eyes._

_“Aw hell, Jay, I_ **_just_ ** _asked if you were okay, you liAr.” Jack admonished. Jay huffed a laugh at that, although he wasn’t sure why. Probably the adrenaline crash. “Well it’s a good thing this joker here-” He gestured at the downed terrorist he just shot, “was the last of ‘em then, because you guys are a collectively a hot mess,” Jack tells him before calling into his radio for medical assistance._

_Jay laughed again. He wasn’t wrong there._

_“Wow ‘collectively’ that’s a four-syllable word, Jack. I’m proud, really.”_

_“Oh_ **_ha-ha_ ** _Jack only use tiny baby words but now he make big word:_ **_so funny._ ** _You’re not gonna be laughing when it’s the arms of said small-word-user that’s gonna carry your a** back to med.” The older man griped._

_Jay smiled at him, self-satisfied, before leaning back against the wall of the building they were next to and closing his eyes for a quick rest before the medics got there. He opened his eyes again after feeling Jack’s hand comfortingly on his leg._

_“You did good, kid,” the older man commended._

_Jay didn’t know if he’d really ever heard anyone say that to him before, but after that day, it’s something he never forgot that Jack said to him._

oOo 

Mac is introducing himself to Hailey but still seems overall standoffish. Jay is realizing that he should’ve reached out sooner to the younger man. He seems to be struggling with something. Jay knows Mac probably won’t talk about it willingly, so he makes a note to ask Jack about it later. 

Mac doesn’t like talking about his issues any more than Jay himself does. 

After he had re-enlisted, _after his mom passed,_ he had a tour worse than he ever thought possible. One of the only positive things about it was that he had met Mouse, but other than that, Jay would be fine just forgetting it ever existed. 

He had been held hostage (not for the first time), lost four of his close friends, shot five times, not to mention other wounds from shrapnel, seen countless women and children slaughtered in front of him. Even a mother using her own child to get them off guard before she suicide bombed them both. 

He can still taste the blood that exploded everywhere. 

He always seems to taste the blood when things like that happen. 

Then there was the mission with the humvee accident from his second tour. The one that got him captured before he was rescued weeks later and he and Mouse were sent home on a medical discharge. The one that had gotten almost everyone killed except them. 

Jay had to pull Mouse out of the upside-down car and into the sand that was already soaked with the blood of their comrades. They were goners. Most were in pieces, some had their faces blown half off, skulls peeking out under mutilated flesh. 

Jay would never forget the sight. He was sure they would die too. 

He shot as many of the hostiles as he could before the enemy swooped in and took him and a few others to a camp. He and the others that had barely survived for a couple extra weeks and narrowly avoided being shot for entertainment had been saved by a rescue convoy, but what was the point? Their whole unit was basically dead. Why did they survive? Why just them? Some had spouses, children, _families_ waiting for them to come back. 

What did Jay have to come back to? His resentful father and dead mother? Sure he has Will, but he was already a doctor at that point. He’s always too busy for Jay anyway. Too busy to be there when their mom was on her deathbed. 

He saw a therapist once and decided it wasn’t really his thing. Talking about things just made it rawer, made the nightmares worse, made him too unstable to work. So he just represses it. 

Mac always seemed to feel the same way. 

Jack always seemed at his wit's end when Mac and Jay refused to open up more. Claimed they compartmentalized too well to be healthy. He might be right, _but hey_ , it works. 

Hailey says something about her phone being dead, but that doesn’t seem to stop Mac in his tracks at all. 

“Okay, then I need you to build a charger,” he states, and Jay smiles. Some things never change. Mac would always fiddle around with random stuff. Could basically build anything out of anything. Jay always admired his improvisational skills. It’s an extremely useful asset when you’re in the middle of the desert, hundreds of miles from civilization. 

Jay couldn’t be more grateful for the kid’s abilities. Or his existence in general. 

“Build a- Jay who is this guy,” Hailey asks, sounding extremely skeptical. He always loved this part. The confusion before being absolutely blown away by his skills. 

“Just trust him,” Jay assures her in response. If there’s anyone he’s going to entrust the life of his partner in, it would be Mac. 

“Okay, so I’m gonna walk you through how to make a charger. Jay, Jack, I need you guys to set up a replica of the room, with cardboard or wood, I don’t care, but the measurements and everything needs to be the same.” 

Jay gets it. Build a replica so he can work out the exact problem without having to be in the actual room itself. He nods tersely in understanding. Jack seems a little lost but he’s got the spirit. 

“I’m going to have Riley examine the images of the room Hailey will take. I’ll use the fake room you two set up to make a 3D plan of the room and figure out how we’re gonna disable it. Go on,” Mac says to nudge them to work. 

“Oh- right,” Jack says quickly before exiting the warehouse, looking only a little out of sorts. Jay missed this. He looks at Mac who’s giving him a smile at Jack’s disorientation. Jay smiles back knowingly and gives a quick two-fingered salute before heading off to make sure Jack hasn’t broken anything yet. Jay knows a construction guy, Hawkins, in the area who can hook him up with quick and easy materials, so he calls him up to ask for his help in building the simple room. He’d rather do this with actual strong materials like wood rather than cardboard. Keep it as close to the actual room as possible. 

Anything he can do to help Mac make this as smooth as possible. 

oOo 

An hour and lots of sawdust later, and they have the basic layout of the room. They just have cut-outs for the doors and a sheet of plastic for the window. 

A healthy layer of sweat has gathered on Jay’s skin from the literal heavy-lifting, and he wipes it off his forehead with the back of his hand before taking a breath and getting another look at their structure to make sure it’s perfect. 

Mac comes over to check their handiwork as well. The blond asks Jack to get someone named Riley on a video call, before turning to get a good look at the fake room. He seems anxious and tense. At first, Jay was worried it’s because he got something wrong with the measurements, but upon further thought, he realizes it’s apprehension for the start of the actual process. 

Most of the time, Mac is pretty confident in his ability to _eventually_ disable a bomb. He doesn’t always know how at first, but he at least knows that he _will_ think of a surefire solution. 

Now he seems to doubt his abilities. Something big must’ve happened. Something recent that’s causing him to doubt himself. Jay knows that look. That look that you’re the reason someone died and you never want to cause that again. 

Jay feels it every day. 

Then Jack hands Mac his phone, having called through to Riley, and Mac’s face immediately brightens up with a genuine smile. It makes Jay smile a little bit in tandem. 

Jay knows that smile too. Mac probably doesn’t even realize it either, but the Ranger can already tell Riley is more than just a friend. If she and Mac are that close, then Jay trusts her without a doubt. 

Mac explains to Riley what she needs to look for and lets her get to work before turning back to Jay. 

“We’re gonna figure this out, Jay. Riley will be able to find those wires, we’ll use the room to figure out how to get to her, alright,” Mac explains, obviously trying to offer some comfort before adding softly, “We’ll figure this out.” 

He sounds more like he’s convincing himself than Jay, but he’s okay with that. The kid is obviously still shaken about something that happened. He could use the convincing. 

“I know we will.” Jay starts. “Listen I just want you to know that no matter what happens, none of this is on you. Trust me. You know I get it, man.” 

He places his hand on Mac’s shoulder in the same gesture that Jack and Voight have used a thousand times. It’s simple, but Jay knows that when he’s not at his best, the smallest reassurances can pull you back from the ledge at least a little bit. He nods at Mac in affirmation and gives his shoulder a squeeze before Riley says something on the phone and he steps back as Mac returns to talking to her. 

After all this, Jay vows to catch up with Mac and Jack. Find out what he’s missed in this time that he’s completely neglected to keep in touch. Guilt swells again as he remembers all the Christmas and birthday cards he’s received. 

He always messages them on their birthdays and holidays, but when most of the time you’re working eighteen-hour shifts at the precinct by the time he’s alone, he’s just trying to get at least _some_ rest and not to lose his mind at the silence of his apartment. 

He needs to try harder. Get over the stupid nonsense in his head keeping him from being normal and _be there_ for Mac and Jack from now on. 

He never realized until today how much he really missed them. 

**~~~**

Jay knows. 

He knows that Mac isn’t confident in this. He let too much slip. 

He can see it in Jay’s expression, and when he speaks it confirms the theory. 

“I know we will,” Jay tells him. There’s sympathy in his voice. It’s like when they were in the military and soldiers would die. Jay would bottle everything up and ask Mac if he was okay. Back then he appreciated it, but now, it was too much. 

Back in the military, he was a kid, he couldn’t even legally drink. Jay was like a big brother to him, the one with wise advice. His comfort was welcomed, and it seemed like comforting Mac helped Jay cope. 

Now, Mac was an adult. He had years of experience and had lived through more than what Jay would understand. Bombs weren’t the most dangerous thing he faced. Jay didn’t know him, not like he used to. 

Sure, it hurt to think that someone who nearly died for him - and who he would give his life for - didn’t really know him anymore. But, it was the truth, and to say otherwise would be a lie. Jay didn’t really know Mac, and Mac didn’t really know Jay. 

Just another person Mac pushed out of his life. 

“Listen I just want you to know that no matter what happens, none of this is on you.” Jay’s tone is serious. A part of Mac wants to feel relief, sure, he wasn’t close to Jay anymore but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to be. And if he got his partner killed, it was nice to know Jay wouldn’t blame him. 

Then, there was the nagging part of his mind that told him that Jay expected him to fail. That he knew Mac couldn’t do this. That he would fail. He may not know what he had been through, but Jay knew he couldn’t handle it. 

“Trust me. You know I get it, man.” 

Mac nods, but it’s not as easy as that. Trust is hard for anyone to give freely, let alone a spy. Let alone, Mac. He hadn’t even been able to trust his own father. A man who left him and lied to him about everything. 

The thought of his father causes Mac’s jaw to tense up. It’s getting harder to bottle up his thoughts, but he has to, he’s on a mission. For Hailey and Jay’s sake. If he could get inside that room and get Hailey out, then it didn’t matter what happened. 

It wouldn’t matter if he was stuck and the bomb went off. 

It wouldn’t matter. 

Jay places a hand on Mac’s shoulder, giving it a soft squeeze. It’s a gesture Jack’s done multiple times. A code that says ‘I’m proud,’ and ‘It’ll work out, don’t worry.’ 

“I know Jay,” Mac says. To which Jay returns one more squeeze before letting his hand drop from Mac’s shoulder. 

“Alright, I got those images for you.” It’s then that Riley’s voice distracts Mac from his own thoughts and Jay’s attempted affection - which he is grateful for. He doesn’t want to slip back into his mind. The more on the track he stayed, the better off this would turn out. 

With Riley’s help, Mac begins to tape off the areas where the wires are. They’re covering the room. The bomb techs had been right when they said it would be risky to get into the room. One wrong move and it could set off the bomb, which Mac was assuming was hidden in the air vent. 

He hangs up with Riley as he stands in the fake room, looking around at the configuration in the room. He can see possible scenarios of how to get in, but every option is risky. Either it could set the bomb off, or it could injure the person in the room. 

He stands there, looking around for what seems like a minute, but he knows it’s longer than that. Ten… fifteen… maybe even thirty minutes passed of him coming up with failure scenarios. When he makes eye contact with Jack again, the man tilts his head. 

He can feel eyes on him, Jack, Jay, Hailey, and Jay’s team. Everyone was watching to figure out what he would do. What was Macgyver’s big plan? 

“Talk to me, man, what’d you come up with,” Jack asks. 

He’s being nice, he’s being Jack. 

But that doesn’t matter. 

It sends irritation through Mac, and his jaw tensed as he rolls his eyes slightly. 

“I don’t know,” he snaps. “If I had a solution I would already be doing it,” he adds before looking down. He pinches the bridge of his nose as he tries to bring his frustration down. “I’m sorry I just-” Mac begins. 

“Mac, don’t worry about it,” Jack says quickly. He takes a step closer to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. “Just, take a break, sit down, focus. You didn’t get a lot of sleep last night and like you said the bomb isn’t on a timer. It’s not like you can walk through the wall, we can figure out how to bust in lat-” 

Something about Jack’s words strikes an idea in his mind. 

“That’s it,” Mac interrupts. 

“That’s what?” 

“How we get in,” Mac says. He pushes past Jack and begins looking at the fake wall Jay had built. Whoever the bomber was couldn’t have gotten wires behind the control panel. There was no sign that they had been removed. 

Meaning if he could get his torso through, he could disable the wires around the window, once the window was removed he could get into the room, get Hailey out, and then he could focus on the bomb. 

Things were always easier when he was the only one in danger. When others were involved, it clouded his mind. Sure, it gave him a reason to make it out alive but it was riskier. 

And after everything that had happened… Mac wasn’t ready to be in a room with a bomb when someone else was there. 

“Hey man, I know I’m great at advice and all but you’re gonna have to tell me what I said that helped,” Jack adds. He glances back at Jay shrugging a bit. 

“The bomber couldn’t have gotten behind the control panel without removing it and putting it back, or cutting into the wall. Neither the control panel nor the outside wall has been messed with,” he tells Jack. 

Jack doesn’t seem to get the significance of that, which doesn’t surprise Mac. Sighing a bit, Mac rubs his forehead. “That means no wiring, meaning that’s my way in,” he tells Jack. “I can break through the wall, then cut the wires connecting the window to the bomb-” 

Jack claps his hand together. “Then we remove the window and you have free reign to the bomb then Mrs. or Ms. -I hope Ms. - Upton can finally get out of that room.” 

“Exactly,” Mac agrees before tilting his head a bit. “And put it back in your pants Jack,” he adds before stepping out of the fake room. He gives Jay a small encouraging nod. “We have a plan to get her out.” 

“Can you get me some lights over by that window,” Jack adds, addressing Jay’s superior officer. Voight nods before gesturing to the other man Adam to follow him. Within minutes they’ve returned with some lighting for Mac. 

The warehouse didn’t exactly provide good lighting for bomb defusing. It was dark and some of the lights flickered. At least with the construction type lights, Mac knew they wouldn’t die out. 

Grabbing some items that were laying around, even requesting Jay’s bulletproof vest, Mac had made a makeshift laser and got to work cutting a hole through the wall and control panel. Without looking at the others, Mac could sense their worry. 

He himself was beyond terrified. If he was wrong about the wiring behind the panel, every one of them would be shot sky-high. It didn’t help that the majority of Jay’s team seemed skeptical. Though, that may be his own thoughts projecting onto them. 

Mac had cut through a majority of the wall, though the hole was rather small before the laser died on him and he set it aside. Running his hands through his hair Mac takes a deep breath. He was never a fan of small spaces. 

Sure, heights were much worse. 

But, being trapped in a small space was never a fun time. Especially a place small enough to cut up your ribs as you slide through… but he didn’t have a choice did he? 

Besides, he had lost enough weight he should be able to fit better. 

Mac shifts his body so he’s laying down, before putting his hands into the hole and getting ready to pull his body through. It’ll hurt, but it didn’t matter. 

“Whoa, you’re not gonna climb through that,” Jack says grabbing his arm. 

“No Jack, I was actually gonna rollerblade through it,” Mac says, staring up at the other man. Who scoffs at his sarcasm. 

“You can’t fit through there, what if you get stuck?” 

“Jack, I’m not a kid, I’ll be fine,” he says before glancing at Jay for a split second. “Besides, if that was Riley or Bozer, I’d do it. This is Jay’s partner, so, I treat her like one of my own…” 

oOo 

_He didn’t know how he got here._

_All he knew was that his head ached and there was a faint ringing in his ear._

_Groaning, Mac stirs a bit. He can feel a bandage wrapped around his head, and his body feels scraped up. He tries to recall what happened. There was gunfire, that much he knew. He was going into a building when the explosion went off._

_Jay and Jack were his back-ups._

_Immediately panic sweeps through him. Where are they? What happened to them? He survived the blast but did they?_

_Without thinking, he shoots up, and all the scratches across his body and the pounding in his head reminded him it’s a bad idea. He can’t help a weak whisper escaping his lips._

_That’s when he feels a hand on his shoulder. “Hey man, take it easy.” The voice is familiar and makes him relax almost immediately. “Jack,” Mac mutters. He looked over spotting the other man and smiled seeing he was okay._

_The other man gives him one of those cocky grins and nods. “I don’t know how much you remember, but you and Jay were making your way into a building when a bomb went off. You hit your head pretty bad and after a gunfight Jay and I high-tailed you out of there,” he says._

_Jack then laughs, which makes Mac’s eyebrow raise. He lets his hand fall from Mac’s shoulders as he covers his mouth a bit._

_“I just realized…” he says before laughing again. Despite having no idea what he is laughing about, Mac can’t help but chuckle a bit. “Angus Macgyver was almost roast beef,” he says. Wheezing at his own joke._

_Mac lets out a small laugh and shakes his head a bit before he realizes the gesture hurts and he stops._

_“Anyways,” Mac says, glancing around the small infirmary that was set up back at base. “Where is Jay,” he asks._

_Jack opens his mouth to respond. As if he wants to give a detailed account as to where he was, but he stops. As if he promised he wouldn’t say anything._

_“He’s sleeping a few beds over, needed rest as much as you did,” Jack says. As if he decides that’s enough information to share._

_“What happened, Jack,” Mac asks._

_Jack shifts a bit in his chair. He takes in a deep breath and tilts his head a bit. Something about the question makes him uncomfortable. “All I can say is Jay didn’t let anything bad happen to you,” he says. Refusing to give up any other information._

_“You’re one of us, Mac, we protect each other,” he says. “I’ll let one of the docs know you’re up. They’ll probably wanna run a few tests to make sure you’re alright,” Jack says as he stands up._

oOo 

“...besides, Jay would do it for me,” he says. 

Mac still had no idea what happened, He pressed Jack for answers multiple times. He asked Jay what had happened, neither one explained. Even though Mac had been in the military and had been through all the trauma of war, Jay and Jack still kept some things from him. 

He had been a kid when he signed up, and Jay and Jack took him under their wing. He remembered countless times when Jack or Jay shielded him from the gruesome aspects of war. 

Luckily, Jack doesn’t argue with Mac. He lets his arm go and nods. 

Without wasting time, Mac begins to push himself through the wall and control panel. It feels like he’s sliding through a tube covered in sandpaper. He could get the jagged edges of the wall and metal cutting into the side of his skin. 

Jack may have been right about this being a dumb idea. 

In fact, the only reason he’s able to weasel his way through was the fact he had lost weight the past few months. 

Finally, he reaches the other side. Hailey comes over and helps pull him out before he gets to his feet. 

“Nice to actually meet you,” he says, offering Hailey his hand to shake. She smiles and gratefully shakes his hand. 

“Nice to meet you too,” she says. With that out of the way he turns and looks around the room. His best guess is that the bomb is on the other side of the air vent, but who knows what traps are rigged. 

He steps closer to the wall and pulls back some of the wallpaper that was put up to cover the wires. After doing a quick scan, he locates the one connecting the window to the bomb. Taking out his pocket knife, he cuts the wire before giving her a nod. 

“I’ll be right back,” he tells her. 

Once again, he’s back on the floor pulling himself through the small tunnel. His arms and the side of his body burn as he climbs through. By the time he has made it back to the other side, his arms have cuts and bruises and a bit of blood on his elbows. 

Jack helps Mac stand up before looking at him, the other man notices the scratches but doesn’t say anything. “Now what,” Jack asks. 

“I take off the window, the seal looks pretty shabby,” Mac tells him. “You should go let the rest of them know that soon I’ll be handling the bomb, and if they want out now’s the time.” Mac pats Jack's shoulders as he nods. Walking over to Jay’s team and updating them. 

The problem with hope is it makes you lose focus. In war, as a spy, and as a bomb defuser. Hope wasn’t a tool you would use. You had to rely on knowledge, confidence, and focus. 

And Mac had gotten too hopeful. 

He hadn’t realized just how out of shape the seal of the window was. Instead, he curled his fingers into the seal and began to pull. There was a faint small click sound, and before Mac could register what was happening, he felt a body slamming into his. 

There’s a small pop and a cloud of toxic fumes sprays into his face. They burn Mac’s eyes as he presses them shut. He hadn’t had time to react but whoever had slammed into him did. A hand covers his mouth and nose making it impossible to breathe. 

Sure, he got an initial breath of the stuff, enough to know how toxic it was. But as his body crashes to the floor, the main toxics were guarded against his lungs. He could hear coughing in his ear as another hand covered him. 

Making sure he couldn’t breathe it in. 

But, Mac had registered who it was. 

He didn’t know anyone outside of him that would have noticed the danger of removing the window. 

He didn’t know anyone outside of him who would throw themselves on top of someone without a second thought. 

He didn’t know anyone outside of himself that would use both hands to cover someone else’s face leaving themself completely exposed to the toxins. 

As the cloud of gas disperses, Mac grumbles a curse word under his breath. He pushes away from the hands when it is safe to do so. 

“Halstead what the h*ll were you thinking do you- do you even know what you just inhaled?!” 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed chapter 1! Please let us know your thoughts because it would make both of our days ;)))
> 
> We already have 8 chapters written but we just need to proofread them and revise for posting so look out for more soon!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac tries his best to disarm the bomb, but one or more of them could be faced with dire consequences in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \---  
> Hey guys it's Emily here! I'll keep this short and just say that there's a bit of blood and medical stuff here, and I'm sorry for any medical/bomb mechanic inaccuracies, all of my knowledge is based on my sketchy search history online XD.
> 
> A recreation of an actual moment while writing this:  
> Sam: what should the chemical be?  
> Me: brb  
> (2 minutes later)  
> Me: *in-depth explanation of an aerosolized chemical that could be stored inside a bomb mechanism*  
> Sam:  
> Me:  
> Sam: kk
> 
> And now a message from our sponsor (Jk it's just Sam):
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter because haven't stopped thinking about this fic since we started it T-T  
> \---

Jay frowns as Mac snaps at Jack. 

It’s obvious the guy has been stressed out, and Jay knows all too well how much stress can make you lash out at the people you’re close to. He unfortunately has that same habit. 

You just get so frustrated at everyone for being so worried and frustrated at yourself for letting it get this far in the first place.   
He knows over the course of their partnership, Hailey has taken the brunt of his frustration. God only knows why she still sticks around him. He’s been a garbage friend. Hasn’t been too social with the others either. He just can’t seem to bring himself to be too cheery when you just murdered an innocent man not long ago. 

Being told by the man’s wife that he deserved to die for his sins. 

She’s right. He won’t deny that. Marcus had a son and a wife. He fought to stay clean and tried to keep his family happy. He begged Jay to listen to him when he said it _wasn’t him._ But Jay just ignored him. 

Who does that? How screwed up has he become that he’s lost all perspective and didn’t even try to see it from another angle. What the hell is wrong with him? 

Has he become numb to common decency? Lost his morals? 

Whatever it is, he caused an innocent man to be murdered, leaving a child fatherless and a wife widowed. 

Lord, he wishes he could go back and fix things. Just _listened_ to the man. 

If he could take Marcus’ place he would. 

If killing himself would bring back any of the people he killed, he would do that too. 

He knows if anyone else on the team had found he thinks this way, they would force him back into therapy. He probably would too if one of his friends said something like that. But this is different. 

For him it makes sense. He’s killed more people than he himself is worth. He thinks about them all day and wakes up screaming at night. Hailey would say something about swallowing the guilt and forgetting about it like she tries to do. 

But that’s not how this should work. 

He deserves the guilt and shame. It’s his penance. Even if he doesn’t die, being forced to live under the weight of said guilt while dedicating the rest of his life to nothing else but saving others is as close a substitute as he can get. 

The doctor at his check-up had asked if there were any lingering psychological side effects, and Jay was relieved that the doctor didn’t ask a second time after he skirted the question with a sarcastic remark. He doesn’t need the pity. Doesn’t deserve it. 

_“I don’t need your pity or your money,”_ Angela’s words play in his head. _“You can’t just hand out a few hundred dollars and pretend that this didn’t happen— that you’re cleansed of your sins.”_

She was right. 

He was so focused on trying to help her and Bobby that he didn’t realize he didn’t have the right to. He didn’t deserve the closure of trying to help them out after what he did. Part of him wishes Angela just would’ve told everyone what he had done as she had planned to. 

_Ruined him._ His career. His _life._

At least then he would feel like he was getting what he deserved from everyone. Instead, no one outside of the team knows what happened. He gets a pat on the back by Voight saying it wasn’t his fault, or Hailey telling him that even though Marcus didn’t kill those kids, he was still a criminal. 

Jay just wishes someone would scream at him and tell him how horribly he screwed up instead of all this undeserved comfort. 

Now once again, someone is in danger of dying because of one of _his_ stupid mistakes. 

He could really use a drink right now. He makes a mental note to buy Mac a drink if they survive this. 

Jack is comforting Mac about his frustration when out of the blue, Mac seems to have an epiphany at something the older man said. Jay’s spiraling obviously wasn’t any help. They need him in the game right now. Not in his head. 

“Hey man, I know I’m great at advice and all but you’re gonna have to tell me what I said that helped,” Jack inquires, looking at Jay and shrugging as if Jay knows the answer. If he’s being honest he didn’t really hear what Jack said to tip Mac off anyway. 

“The bomber couldn’t have gotten behind the control panel without removing it and putting it back, or cutting into the wall. Neither the control panel nor the outside wall has been messed with.” 

Jack still looks lost and Jay sighs with a tired smile. Jack always was more of a big picture kind of guy rather than one to focus on the little details. 

“That means no wiring, that’s my way in,” Mac explains. Jack seems to finally catch on, mouth opened in an “ahh” position, and nods his head in understanding. Jay claps him on the shoulder from behind. 

“Good job buddy.” He whispers to the older man before Mac continues. 

“I can break through the wall, then cut the wires connecting the window to the bomb-” 

“Then we remove the window and you have free reign to the bomb then Mrs. or Ms. -I hope Ms. - Upton can finally get out of that room.” 

Ah yes. _The Dalton Charm_ that always had him hitting on every woman that breathes. Jay always found it amusing, but this one is a little too much. Jay gives him a tight smile, but his eyes scream murder. Jack looks at him out of the corner of his eye before looking back at Mac, a bit sheepish at the glare Jay was sending. 

“Exactly,” Mac agrees, “And put it back in your pants Jack,” he adds before turning and entering the replicated room. Jay gives Jack an amused grin before following the blond inside. Mac nods at him reassuringly. “We have a plan to get her out.” 

Jay’s smile loses some of its fervor and he nods back, chewing the inside corner of his mouth. The dire circumstances of the situation come back to him. Trust Mac. He deserves your trust. Not faithless doubt because of Jay’s blatant trust issues. 

“Can you get me some lights over by that window,” Jack asks Voight, and Jay uses that distraction to look away from Mac’s gaze. 

“Can you get me your bulletproof vest?” Mac asks him, and Jay is hoping he’s using it for an invention and not to protect himself from something potentially fatal. 

“Yeah, sure man, one sec,” He replies, leaving the makeshift room to go look for it. 

He had taken it off a few hours after the bomb discovery, feeling a bit claustrophobic in the tight vest during his pacing. With the heat of the chase, and the panic of Hailey’s predicament, his breathing had started getting labored and he had taken a moment in a secluded hallway to rip the restricting vest off and get his breathing under control. 

The stress had been too much. 

The threat of a bomb killing someone he’s close to, the tight Kevlar vest, the heat from exertion seeping into his bones. It felt too much like Afghanistan. Like _Kandahar_. 

He had just needed to get it off of himself so he could breathe right. 

Now that vest was still sitting on the floor over by the wall where he had discarded it. He looks at it distastefully before picking it up and taking it over to Mac. By the time he got there, Mac had already made himself freaking laser out random stuff. 

Jay never gets tired of seeing what Mac can create out of thin air. 

Mac cuts a hole in the wall below the window about a foot and a half in diameter before the laser stops working and he tosses it aside. He surveys the work he just did for a moment before adjusting into a position like he’s going to go through. 

That’s not exactly a safe method, but he and Jay have done a lot more dangerous things in their line of work. Jack doesn’t seem as inclined to let the younger man do it. 

“Whoa, you’re not gonna climb through that,” Jack tells him, grabbing his arm. 

“No Jack, I was actually gonna rollerblade through it,” Mac jokes sarcastically. Jack rolls his eyes unamused, but Jay coughs to hide his amusement. Now is not the time for his inappropriately timed sense of humor. 

What can he say? Humor is his coping mechanism. And when things get stressful, the most random things will somehow make him want to make a joke or sarcastic comment. It’s better to make someone laugh instead of having them be worried about you. 

Is it healthy to deflect all his problems by making jokes? No. 

Is he ever gonna stop? Probably not. 

“You can’t fit through there, what if you get stuck?” 

“Jack, I’m not a kid, I’ll be fine,” Mac argues, before glancing at Jay. “Besides, if that was Riley or Bozer, I’d do it. This is Jay’s partner, so... I treat her like one of my own.” 

Jay is filled with admiration for the kid. He really has grown into himself, and Jay is grateful for it. The instant connection he makes with the team just because Jay trusts them makes him swell with gratitude. 

“...besides, Jay would do it for me,” Mac adds, and Jay’s breath catches. 

Just because _he_ would do it, doesn’t mean it’s okay for Mac to. There’s… there’s a difference. Plus if anything happens to Mac because he’s doing ‘something that Jay would do’, Jack would actually kill him. 

Don’t get him wrong, he’s extremely grateful that Mac feels this way, that he would do this for Hailey when he doesn’t even know her, for _Jay_ even though he’s been a horrible friend the past few years. 

But he feels guilty that Mac feels the obligation to do this in the first place. 

Jack lets go of the blond’s arm at the determination in his eyes and Mac turns back to the window before pulling himself through. Jay grimaces at how tight of a fit it is. It’s a good thing the kid has always been so scrawny, else he probably wouldn’t have fit. 

Once he’s inside, Jay breathes a sigh of relief. Nothing was triggered. No secret hidden sensor that they missed blowing them all to smithereens. Mac introduces himself to Hailey and talks with her for a second. 

Jay rubs his hands together nervously before looking down to see them shaking. His hands haven’t shaken this bad since his time back from the second tour. 

He’s losing control. 

The hand tremor was always a sign that his anxiety was worsening. Even growing up as a teenager, after enough of it building, the stress would make his hands shake. After it hit that point they would keep doing it on and off for weeks until things died down. Adrenaline would make it stop temporarily, but once that wore off it just got worse. 

It didn’t help that his dad never understood why it happened. Just yelled at him to stop acting like a child. 

_“You’re eighteen now Jay, take some responsibility and act like it!”_

_“What do you have to be anxious about— what method you’re gonna use to slack off all day?”_

_“You want real stress? Wait until you’re my age.”_

_“I’ll give you something to be stressed about.”_

So eventually he did learn how to stop it like an adult. 

Alcohol. Just like his father. 

Jay would make a joke about how his dad would be proud, but nothing he ever did could make the man _proud._

He hides his hands in his pockets. He can fix it. He just needs to calm down. He just needs to stop _freaking out_ for no reason. 

Mac slides back through the hole and Jack offers a hand to help him back to his feet. 

“Now what,” Jack asks. 

“I take off the window, the seal looks pretty shabby,” Mac explains. “You should go let the rest of them know that soon I’ll be handling the bomb, and if they want out now’s the time.” He tells Jack. 

Jack nods and heads off to where the rest of the team is waiting in anticipation. 

Jay brings his hands out of his pockets to rub them anxiously again. Them just sitting there in his pockets was making him feel worse. He needed to move them around and do _something_ to distract some of his mind. 

Mac begins to work at the seal of the window when Jay notices something in his obsessive need to be useful. There’s a half-concealed crevice right near the caulking. Normally it would just look like another dilapidated chuck that had broken over the years, like the rest of the warehouse, but this looked too cleanly cut. 

And as Mac pulls on the seal, there’s a pop and a spraying sound he’s heard too many times. One that always means danger. 

_Gas canister._

His old instincts kick in. 

_Protect the kid._

He dashes forward and tackles Mac to the floor as the gas disperses. He hopes he was fast enough. He needs to have been fast enough. 

_Protect the kid protectthekidprotectthekid-_

He shoves his hand over Mac’s mouth and nose tightly, trying uselessly to not breathe in the yellowish white mist himself. He tries to breathe only through his nose to minimize the damage but it still burns his nose and throat painfully. He coughs harshly, not being able to get any fresh air in. 

He can feel Mac struggling underneath him, the kid trying to breathe as well, but he can’t let him. He can’t let him get hurt. 

He thinks he hears Hailey yelling but it’s hard to tell over the blood rushing in his ears. 

The gas evaporates in the large space of the warehouse and Mac is able to pull his way out from under the Ranger. Jay rolls onto his back and tries to collect himself, wheezing in breaths from clean air he’s finally able to breathe. 

“Halstead what the hell were you thinking? Do you- do you even know what you just inhaled?!” MacGyver asks incredulously, voice raised with alarm. 

He feels really weird. Kind of woozy and dizzy. Maybe that’s just from lack of oxygen? Maybe it wasn’t anything super bad. 

That is until every breath started burning like he was inhaling fire. 

Oh right, Mac was asking something. 

“I- ‘m fine- ‘m okay.” He wheezes out. Neither Mac nor Hailey seem convinced. His head is pounding too. “ ‘m not dead or anything right now so y’know, not too bad. Couldn’t…” He takes a breath. “Couldn’t let you get it.” 

His throat burns with every swallow and breath. Same goes for the inside of his nose. That will probably go away. 

Jack and Voight come barreling into the warehouse at the sound of the commotion. 

Everything looks a little wavy too, like when it’s really hot out. Or like in the desert. 

_Afghanistan._

His eyes snap open. He didn’t even know they were closed. Someone offers a hand to him and he gets pulled to his feet, swaying and leaning against the window. 

It’s kind of stuffy in here. Like the air is thinner. Harder to breathe. 

Or maybe that’s just him, who knows. 

“What the hell happened?” Voight demands gruffly. Mac is explaining the situation and Jay smiles tiredly, finding a weird amusement in the shock on their faces. Now would be a really bad time to laugh right? 

He gasps in a breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

There’s something itchy above his mouth and his nose and throat are _really_ burning now. Maybe it is bad. He goes to scratch his face where the itch only to find an alarming amount of blood smearing his hand. Since when did his nose start bleeding? 

This isn’t too great. 

Did he break his nose? He didn’t think it was hit _that_ bad in the fight. 

He can taste the blood as it trickles into his mouth. It reminds him of the blood from the sprays of blood from his comrades hitting his face in Afghanistan. He had tasted that too. 

_Wow, this is bleeding a lot._

“Guys I-“ He coughs violently again and it flares his throat with a sharp painful burning. His legs feel like noodles and fold underneath him, making him not-so-gracefully slide down the wall. 

At least he can still somewhat breathe, so he has that going for him. 

“ _Jay-_ can you hear me?!” Someone asks urgently like it wasn’t the first time they had said it. Had they been talking to him? 

“Oh… yeah I- does someone have a tissue or something? I think I broke m’ nose or somethin’.” He asks. The blood just keeps trickling down on his shirt and hands. 

His hands that are still shaking embarrassingly. 

Wow, everything burns really bad now. Talking, breathing, swallowing. He leans to the side and spits out the blood that drained into his mouth. 

Everything is starting to ache too, and the bright industrial lights burn his eyes. 

He squeezes them shut, letting out a pathetic whine that his dad would scoff at. Okay so maybe it’s worse than he had thought, but he doesn’t regret it. 

_He saved Mac and that’s all that matters._

**~~~**

Mac feels like he snorted straight cinnamon. 

There’s an aching in his throat that causes Mac to cough as he stands up. This isn’t the first time he’s inhaled an unknown toxin and chemical, but that still doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. 

As he stands he’s hit with a wave of dizziness and nausea. He has to press his eyes and swallow to get it to go away. It doesn’t last long, but it does require the wall to steady him. After a few deep breaths, the feeling passes. 

There shouldn’t be any lasting damage, but he should still be checked out when all this was over. 

Coughing once again Mac fixates his mind back on Jay, who inhaled the majority of the toxins. No doubt the chemical is going to affect him even more than it did Mac, who knows the lasting damages it caused. 

It makes Mac worried, he always gets squeamish at the idea of medical illnesses. While his mother may have been killed, it didn’t change the fact that he lived his life believing it was a terminal illness that took her life. 

Then with his father and his cancer- once again, it wasn’t what killed him. Yet that didn’t take away the fear of losing people that way, it was unthinkable. He could handle life and death situations, those he had control over. 

He could 

He had handled them in the military, and it was part of his job now. 

A job he wasn’t allowed to work at currently. 

But he couldn’t cure cancer. He couldn’t fix chemical damage. 

Mac tries not to be, but he’s angry at himself for not noticing the canister. For letting his guard slip enough for someone to get hurt. For even needing to have Jay risk his life for him - again. He’s an idiot for thinking it would be that easy. 

“I- ‘m fine- ‘m okay,” Jay finally says, though it’s more of a wheeze, which doesn’t make Mac feel any better. “ ‘m not dead or anything right now so y’know, not too bad. Couldn’t… Couldn’t let you get it.” 

Mac hates when people did that when they risked themselves for him. 

It happened too much. 

_His dad is weakly flopped against the barrels of explosives, he had been shot, but it wouldn’t kill him. As long as they could get him and get him medical attention soon. When Mac asks about the detonator, his father slowly pulls it from his pocket._

_“It got hit when I did,” his dad says after a second. His hand holds the detonator which has a hole straight through it. It’s completely broken. There’s no way for it to be tweaked or fixed, at least not in the time they have. It was a dead-end, meaning a plan b was needed._

_“Alright, well,” Mac pauses for a moment as he looks back at the door. It would be risky, but they could try and break out on foot. With any luck, Phoenix was close by and had tracked them. They could get a ride and leave._

_Even if he had never been lucky before, he had to hope._

_Leave this h*llhole behind._

_“We can just drive out of here c’mon let’s go,” he says. Once again, it’s a foolish plan, but a plan nonetheless. He goes to move a hand around his dad, to pull him to his feet._

_No man left behind. That’s what the military taught him, that’s what Jack had taught him._

_“No,” his dad breathes out, but he’s not listening. His mind is moving too fast. “Let’s go,” Mac says. Determined to get everyone out of there. His dad would be fine when they returned to Phoenix, they just had to get away from Codex._

_“Son, they’ll just chase us,” his dad reminds. He’s fighting off his son's efforts to get him off the ground. “Someone’s gotta slow them down.” It’s the only obvious solution, but Mac doesn’t want to admit it. He can’t. “ I’ll set off the explosion, manually.”_

_The thoughts seem to take all the breath from his lungs. As if he was just slammed on the ground or into a wall. Only this was an even worse feeling. This wasn’t a physical issue. This was his father, a man he spent a year pushing away, ready to die for him._

_“No, no um…” Mac takes the detonator from his dad. Looking at the device and trying to think of how he can fix this. Make this better. That’s what he did. He got broken things, and he repaired them._

_He fixed things._

_“I’ll fix this.”_

_He sounds broken, even to himself. He knows the truth but he can’t accept what it is. For over a year he pushed his father away, because of one mistake. He pushed him away and now…_

_“Look we can uh start over,” Mac says, a small sniffle following his words. As if that would magically make things better. As if this situation wasn’t happening, and a simple apology would change where they were. “It’s day one, remember?” he chokes out._

_His dad shakes his head, pulling the device from his hands. “Hey, I can’t stop them,” he says. He can’t stop codex, he knows that. His dad is ready to give his life for his son because he believes he doesn’t need him._

_But Mac needs him._

_“You can,” his father adds. He’s so tired of people believing in him. Believing that he can fix anything. He can’t. And the detonator was proof of that. “You can, you’re the invaluable asset,” the phrase feels like a dagger in his heart._

_If this is what being an invaluable asset meant, he didn’t want to be one._

_“You have to go,” his dad practically begs. Tears are building up in Mac’s eyes, and he can’t seem to think straight. He can’t do this, he can’t just leave his father._

_“They’re coming,” Mason reminds. A reminder Mac doesn’t need._

_“Angus…” his father trails off. He’s never been good at affection, showing what he felt or being honest about emotions. A trait that was rubbing off on his son._

_“I uh, I love you too dad,” Mac says. He allows a tear to race down his face as he hugs his father for the first time in a long time… and for the last time._

_He understood now why Jack would visit his father’s grave. There was still so much he wanted to tell his father. Years of stories, thoughts, and ideas that he never had the chance to tell him. And he never would be able to._

_“C’mon kid,” Mason says, putting a hand on Mac. “Hey, let’s go,” he adds, pulling Mac away from his dad. “Let’s go, we gotta go. Let’s go.” There is an urgency in his voice, and despite knowing Mason was right… he couldn’t move quickly._

_Even as he reached the exit, he turned back one last time to look at his father. A man who was going to die, for him._

“What the h*ll happened?” Voight demands as he and Jack enter the room. The gruff voice pulls Mac from his self-destructive thoughts. If there was one lesson he had learned as of late: Don’t get trapped in the past. 

His mind was a dangerous place. 

Even now there were parts of his mind casting shadows on everything he was doing. As if he was haunting himself. Most kids are afraid of monsters under the bed but forget monsters can live in the shadows. 

Jack immediately rushes over to Mac to make sure he’s okay. He grabs his shoulder and helps stabilize him, which is helpful. He’s still struggling to regain a perfect breathing pattern, but the coughing stopped. 

At this point, the only real effect was his time without oxygen, rather than inhaling the chemical. 

What chemical was it that Jay inhaled? 

“The window was a trap. Whoever-” Mac takes a deep breath. “Whoever set up this bomb made sure that if that solution was found, the bomb squad would be-” he takes another breath. “Would be hit with a face full of toxic chemicals.” 

“You alright, man?” Jack asks. The hand resting on Mac’s shoulder gets tighter at the mention of toxins. However, Mac quickly pushes it off. The weight of the other man’s hand hurts his shoulder from crashing into the ground. 

While Jay did a good job getting the toxins away from Mac, they both had just crashed into the floor. 

“I didn’t see it, Jay did. He made sure I didn’t breathe too much in,” Mac says, taking another breath in. Voight looks over at Jay who doesn’t look like he’s doing too good. Blood is dripping from his nose and he looks pale, little specks of red covering his face where the gas touched the skin for too long. 

Watching Jay brings back knowledge Mac had learned. While most boys growing up went through a sports phase, he went through a chemical phase. Learning what chemicals could kill, which ones would just damage. What they would smell and taste like - though most of those studies were simply read rather than actual tests. 

“Aerosolized sulfuric acid,” Mac says. Cursing under his breath. “That’s what that stuff was, it’s probably eating away at the lining of his lungs. He needs medical attention, soon,” he says. Leaning his hands on his knees. 

“Guys I-“ Jay mutters before he begins to violently cough. Jay couldn’t die, not for him. This can’t happen again. He can’t handle losing someone else. 

_The only way to stop Codex was to set off the bomb manually, and if he had to go out, going out saving the world was what he wanted to do. He just hoped the team would be okay, that they wouldn’t let this pull the team apart._

_He was ready to go._

_“Angus, go. I can do this,” Aunt Gwen says suddenly. There’s no hesitancy in her statement as if she had already thought about it. Though, he had just realized someone had to stay behind._

_No, it’s too raw. He can’t lose someone else like this._

_He has been failing everyone he cared about. He failed Desi in their relationship. He failed Matty, keeping secrets from her when she never deserved it. He failed Russ, a man who gave him a second shot at life._

_He had failed Bozer, his own best friend. Keeping him in the dark as if he couldn’t handle what was going on. He failed at keeping Riley safe, letting her come with him to codex, and then leading her to a building that became part of a drone strike._

_He had failed Jack too, but at least Jack didn’t know._

_“What no,” he tries to protest. He wasn’t going to just walk out of here. Not again. After his father he can’t just leave, what kind of man would that make him? He let people sacrifice themselves for him too much. He had to take care of himself._

_“There’s no time,” she says. There’s peace in her eyes at her decision. “Let me do this… please,” she begs. It’s then that he wonders if it’s her guilt prompting her to do this. She wants to fix the mistake she made. She wants to right her wrongs._

_His breath feels constricted as he stares at his aunt. The last blood family member he has. The last connection he has to his father, to his mother..._

_“For Ellen,” his aunt adds. He can imagine what it was like after he was born. His aunt promised his mother she would take care of him if anything happened. She couldn’t let him die because she had made a promise to his mother._

_He knew he couldn’t change her mind, no matter how much he wanted to. Besides, if he argues, he felt like he would be disgracing his mother. That dying now would show her he gave up when things got hard, and he couldn’t let her think that._

_“You connect this to this and uh,” he begins. Trying to figure out how to example what to do. Trying to forgive himself before he loses her. But she doesn’t need an explanation, just like he doesn’t deserve to forgive himself._

_“I know, I got it,” she tells him. Her voice breaks as tears fill her eyes. She doesn’t seem upset with her decision, it’s what she wanted. He can imagine the guilt she would live with if she didn’t. He feels it now._

_He feels it every time he causes someone pain._

_He’s tempted to stay here with her. They can go out together. In one single moment, they could end the Macgyver line. The cursed Macgyver line._

_Without waiting, he wraps his arms around her. Fighting back tears of his own. Once again he is hugging a family member, letting them die for him. Letting them keep him alive because for some reason… he just couldn’t die._

_No matter what he did, he_ wouldn’t _die._

_“You deserve the world, and the world deserves you,” she tells him as her arms tighten around him. She lets him go and gives him a faint nod. “Go, run, now!” she urges. With tears in his eyes, Mac gives her a final nod before leaving his aunt to finish what he had started._

Too many people have died for him, and he will not let Jay be one of them. 

“Jay,” Mac says slowly. He pushes his own body off the wall and steps forward. His balance is still off, but better than before as the nausea subsides. “Halstead, answer me,” he adds. “ _Jay-_ can you hear me?!” he asks frantically. 

Jay seems to snap back into the present.“Oh… yeah I- does someone have a tissue or something? I think I broke m’ nose or somethin’,” Jay slurs. He spits out blood that must have drained into his mouth from his nose. 

He’s in bad shape. Bad. 

“You didn’t break your nose, you were an idiot and inhaled sulfuric acid,” Mac says as he gets closer. He pulls out his pocket knife and untucks his shirt. Using one of the blades to cut some of the fabric off and press it to Jay’s nose. 

“You need to get to a hospital now,” he says. He’s ready to argue with Jay, yell at him to - for once - be concerned with his safety. A hypocritical argument, sure, but Jay needs medical and fast. 

Before Jay can say anything, or at least before Mac processes Jay’s next comment the focus is pulled as someone else speaks. It’s Hailey. 

“Uh, guys,” she says. Her voice is full of worry. Immediately, Mac has an idea of what she’s about to say. “I hear beeping, from a bomb. This thing is activated,” she says. 

**S**t.**

“Jack, get Jay out of here,” Mac says before turning to the window. The canister is empty by now so he goes for it. He grabs the corner and pulls the window off. Not caring about the glass shattering all around him. 

No one has ever said he had good self-preservation tactics. 

“Mac-” Jack mumbles a bit, though he’s not surprised. At least after over a year of not working together, Jack still expected the unexpected from him. 

Hopping through the window, Mac slides over the control panel. There’s no time to waste, he needs to get her, Jay, Voight, and Jack out of the building. He can see how weak Hailey looks after hours of being in one room, and he’s not risking her, or Jay’s safety. Helping her climb from the window, Mac looks at Voight. 

“Get her out of here, now!” 

He’s glad that Voight doesn’t argue and grabs Hailey, leading her from the room. Both Jack and Jay seem determined on staying, though, neither of them budging. Much like when they were back in afghanistan. 

It didn’t matter how dangerous things got, they stayed. 

“You go kaboom, I go kaboom,” Jack calls over to Mac. 

He doesn’t have time to argue. 

The only good part about the timer being on is he can see a faint light and hear the beeping from where the bomb is tucked away. Just like he suspected, it’s in the air vent. Rather than being positioned at the top of the wall, this vent is on the floor against the sidewall. The caging around it is shabby but there are no traps around it. So, he pries the vent off. 

He expects to see a bomb, disable it, and be done. 

But instead, he’s staring at his father’s pocket knife and a note. 

Delicately propped against the explosive device, he can see the ‘gift’ left for him. He can feel his hand shaking as he slowly grabs the pocket knife. The only person who would have this would be Mason. He must have snatched it before they left his father to die. 

Behind the gift, the timer is counting down from 8:00 minutes. 

Mac can feel a lump forming in his throat as he slowly grabs the pocket knife and drops it into his pocket. Slowly opening the note: _“Good luck, Angus. Hope dad can help you - M”_

“Hey man, talk to me, what’s going on?” Jack asks. 

_“ Mac, what’s going on?” Charlie asks. His voice is lower than normal because of the thick glass separating the two. Mac turns to face him but doesn’t know how to say this. The words getting caught in his own throat._

_How do you tell your brother you’ve failed him?_

_“Plans a no go huh?” Charlie asks. He seems calm, collected. As if he’s waiting for the end as if he knows they don’t have time. Of course, the moment the hospital was put in danger, Charlie would have written himself off. He was a soldier, a soldier who would die for civilians without a second thought._

_“Just uh, give me a minute,” Mac says quickly. His mind works as fast as possible as he tries to think of a new plan. A new plan within seconds. They’re out of time. They need more, but they don’t have it._

_What good is he if he can’t save the people he cares about? What’s the point of giving his like to The Phoenix Foundation if those he wants to protect most end up in situations like this? What was the point in continuing to fight if you were always two steps behind the bad guys?_

_“I don’t have…” Charlie sighs a bit “...a minute to give.” His tone is so brave, so understanding. Mac, on the other hand, he feels like breaking down right there, right now. “ If the roles were reversed and you were in here, what would you do?”_

_Mac knows the answer, but he doesn’t want to admit it. He’s an acceptable loss but the people he loves aren’t. “I’d figure a way out,” he says quickly. If he’s honest with Charlie, it’ll be like he’s accepting the sacrifice, and he’s not._

_“What if there is no way out?” Charlie cuts off. “What would you do?”_

_Don’t ask that._

_“I think we both know the answer, man.”_

_He won’t stop, Charlie won’t stop making this decision for Mac. Because he knows that Mac never will. That he can’t choose one life over another. No matter how much he wants to fix this, he can’t. Mac feels a lump forming in his throat. He’s too shaken to say anything. To do anything._

“You good,” Jack asks worriedly. 

The voice pulls Mac back to the present, but his eyes are still wide. He probably looks like a scared kid who lost their parents in the store. He sees the worry written on Jack’s face as he shoves the note into his pocket. 

“I thought I was being paranoid, but… but this bomber…” 

_“Promise me one thing,” Charlie says. Mac knows this is it, the last thing he will ever get to hear Charlie say. The last moment with his brother. “You got Peña's killer, get mine.”_

_He’s too shaken to do anything, to say anything. That’s when Charlie takes action. His fist slamming into the glass._

_“No, Charlie, no!”_

_It doesn’t stop him. Once again Charlie’s fist slams into the glass._

_“Stop!”_

_Why won’t he stop? Why can’t he let Mac fix this?_

_“ Stop Charlie stop!”_

_His voice is breaking now. There is nothing he can do to stop the other man._

_“Charlie stop!”_

_Water is filling his eyes as he watches another fist pound into the glass._

_“Charlie stop!”_

_The last fist sets the trap in motion. Cutting the wire to the elevator._

_“Stop!”_

_But it’s too late. The elevator crashes into the ground as Mac stares in horror. He failed. He failed Charlie. At the bottom of the shaft there’s a mix of metal and flames, and somewhere among those is Charlie._

“Angus,” Jack snaps. As if he or Jay had been trying to get his attention for some time. 

Mac shakes his head a bit, he’s down to 6 minutes to defuse a bomb that he doesn’t know if he can. He can’t do this, not if it was set up by _him_. Not if Mason was expecting him to be here. Was he watching now? 

Was Mason laughing in the distance as he watched Mac fail time and time again? Each trap that was set for him Mac had triggered. What would he set off next? 

“It’s Mason. The bomber is Mason,” his voice breaks as he speaks. His hand is trembling as he brushes it through his hair. “The- the man who killed Charlie,” he adds “He… He targeted this unit because… because of me. Because I know Jay.” He’s falling apart at the seams, and Jack can see it. 

He can see what’s going on in his head. 

“I don’t… Jack, I don’t think I can do this,” he says slowly. “Every time I have seen him, someone, I care about dies. I can’t…. It’s too risky,” Mac mutters. He can feel himself tensing, he can feel the way his mind grows fuzzy. 

“Listen, Mac, if anyone can handle that bomb it’s you. But if you know you can’t then let’s just get out of here, let the bomb go off.” Jack seems serious as he lets go of Jay and walks closer. He stops when he gets close to the shattered window. 

“Just tell me what to do, man,” he adds slowly. His voice is low and supportive, the way it always gets when Mac needs him. Jack always knows what he needs. He always knows what to say to him. 

But for once it doesn’t work. 

**_~~~_ ** ****

“You didn’t break your nose, you were an idiot and inhaled sulfuric acid.” 

Mac presses a piece of cloth to Jay’s face and he grabs it from the EOD tech, trying to stop the bleeding. 

Well, inhaling straight _acid_ can’t be good. He’s seen what the full-on liquid stuff can do to dead bodies. Apparently, his body _does not_ like the gas version either. The taste alone makes him want to vomit, let alone the unknown amount he probably swallowed into his stomach while breathing it in. 

Wait if he breathed it in, does that mean it got to his brain too? Will he have brain damage? He can’t— he wouldn’t be able to work anymore. 

He finds that the initial disorientation of the gas and lack of oxygen is wearing off, and he can think a bit straighter. That’s not always a good thing though. Now the anxiety of the situation is setting in. 

“You need to get to a hospital now,” Mac says firmly. 

He doesn’t want to leave Mac and Hailey with the bomb, it’s too dangerous. If there was already one trap, what makes them think there isn’t more? 

“Uh, guys,” Hailey cuts in shakily, “I hear beeping, from a bomb. This thing is activated,” she says. 

_No. Nononononono—_

Jay looks up with wide eyes at the admission before trying to get to his feet. Wow, his chest really hurts now. Like his torso is stuck in a trash compactor that’s slowly squeezing him to death. 

_No. Stop. Now is not the time for this, the BOMB IS ACTIVATED._

He slowly slides himself up the wall, none too steadily, as Mac looks into the control and starts barking commands. 

“Jack, get Jay out of here!” The blond yells before grabbing the window and ripping it down. 

“Mac-” Jack protests, and Jay can’t blame him. He feels the same way. The older man peers over at Jay, gauging his condition while also looking to see if they have the same feeling. Jay gives him a stern glance back, making sure the man knows that he’s thinking the same thing. 

They’re not leaving. 

Jay doesn’t care if he starts vomiting blood, he can’t leave a man behind. It’s against his morals. Against the Ranger code. 

_“Never shall I fail my comrades.”_

Mac jumps through the hole where the big window used to be and into the control room. Jay and Jack are a bit stumped on what to do, and Jay can see the older man is contemplating leaving just the slightest bit at the sight of the Ranger’s condition. 

He takes a heavy breath and tries to stand up straighter, but can’t without the burning pain in his chest getting worse, so he settles for being slightly slouched but head held straight in defiance. 

Voight puts his hand on the back of Jay’s neck to ground him, and Jay glances at him quickly, before glaring over at the control room and wiping the blood-soaked cloth across his nose and mouth again as his face becomes wet with the fresh blood streaming out of his nose again. 

He refuses to be a burden. 

He needs to help _somehow._

Mac looks to Voight after accessing Hailey saying, “Get her out of here, now!” 

Voight gets straight into action and helps lift Hailey through the window. The whole time, she’s looking at Jay. Concern is flashing bright in her eyes. She looks like she’s about to protest, but Voight wastes no time before dragging her out of the warehouse with him. 

Jay is relieved she’s going away from the danger, but a part of him already misses her. They were originally doing this to save her and get her out so she could actually be with them, and now they’re stuck with this whole mess while she gets swept away by Voight. 

Mac already gets to accessing the bomb and Jack gets close to the window, supporting hands on the frame and leaning through. 

“You go kaboom, I go kaboom,” Jack tells him firmly. 

Mac looks over his shoulder at them for a second, obviously affected by the familiar phrase, but continues focusing. 

The discomfort in Jay’s ripped up throat is making it hard to swallow anymore, and he can’t help but assume his breathing will start getting trashed as well. 

He moves his arm up to rub at his aching chest, but it offsets his balance and his legs go weak again. Thankfully this time, Jack is close enough to grab him, ducking under his arm for support. 

He looks over at the youngest of the three again, the kid’s unsteady hands gingerly assessing the device before he freezes and takes a hesitant step back. 

He’s never seen Mac freeze like this with a bomb. 

Something’s wrong. 

He goes to say something but it gets caught in his raw throat, so he taps Jack’s arm to get his attention and looks pointedly at Mac before shaking his head at the older man. A new wave of unbidden concern lights up his face as he realizes the same thing Jay did. 

“Hey man, talk to me, what’s going on,” Jack asks, voicing Jay’s concerns. 

Mac doesn’t say anything at first, focused intently on whatever is causing him this much stress. They wait anxiously for his reply, whatever it may be, and Jay barely breathes waiting for the answer. It feels almost like if he makes a sound, the whole encounter will have never happened and they won’t get a response. 

“You good?” Jack asks the blond. 

After a moment he can’t help but clear his throat at the tickling sensation, but that sends a spike of pain through his entire esophagus. Mac finally turns a little to address their question. 

“I thought I was being paranoid, but… but this bomber…” His voice is breathy, barely there. So not-Mac-like. 

“Mac…” Jack tries after the kid trailed off, but he looks deep in thought. In a memory. Jay knows the expression well. There’s no sign of recognition that Jack even spoke to him. “Angus.” Jack uses his low but strong voice to grab the younger man’s attention. 

“It’s Mason. The bomber is Mason,” he finally stutters out, voice breaking. It sends a pang of sympathy through Jay’s heart that he knows isn’t from the acid. “The- the man who killed Charlie,” he adds “He… He targeted this unit because… because of me. Because I know Jay.” 

Jay's stomach roils again. Whoever this Mason guy is, if he's going to these lengths to get to Mac, even killing one of the kid's friends, Jay is going to make sure the man pays. 

The doubt and fear in Mac’s expression are palpable. This guy must have been messing with the kid for a while if it’s gotten to this point. 

Mac doesn’t deserve this. He never should’ve gotten caught up in all this. He’s so _good._ Always had a strong sense of right and wrong, and a huge heart. 

“I don’t… Jack, I don’t think I can do this,” he says slowly. “Every time I have seen him, someone, I care about dies. I can’t…. It’s too risky,” Mac says shakily, staring distantly at the ground. 

“Listen, Mac, if anyone can handle that bomb it’s you. But if you know you can’t then let’s just get out of here, let the bomb go off.” Jack guides Jay back over to the wall to lean against before stepping away from him and towards the window, closer to Mac. 

If anyone can convince Mac, it’s Jack. 

“Just tell me what to do, man.” The older man says softly, voice thick with emotion. 

The cold feeling of panic still holds fast in his stomach. What if for once, Jack can’t convince him? What if he’s just too far gone in his own fear to listen? 

~~~ 

Mac glances back over at the bomb, the timer getting shorter and shorter. His ability to think is getting worse. But he's seen this kind of bomb before, at least, he thinks he has. If he can focus he can do this. But he can’t do this with Jay and Jack there. 

He told Riley once that he always imagined himself dying, and if that was how this ended…. So be it. 

But he can’t risk the lives of his brothers. 

“Get Jay out of here. I need time to think and I can’t do that if I’m worried about him. Besides, If I can’t disable it and need to run… Jay can’t move fast. At this point him being here is a liability, so get him out of here,” Mac decides. 

“Mac you know I-” 

“Just do it, Jack! If… if I can’t get it, and I get to a minute left I’ll leave alright. But I can’t do my job while I worry about him. Just go… please,” Mac begs. “Besides if you wait… I don’t know if he’ll make it,” Mac says quietly. 

Jay’s condition has grown worse since Mac last focused his attention on him, and Jack sees that too. He glances between Jay and Mac before digging his phone from his pocket. Without responding he pulls up his contacts and dials someone. 

“Jack what are you doing?” 

“If I’m gonna leave you in this building, I’m making sure you’re not alone,” he tells him. The sound of someone answering the calls seems to echo in his ears. It’s Riley. “Riley, the bomber is Mason. I gotta get a friend out, you talk Mac through this. After 2 minutes tell him to go” Jack says without hesitation. 

He hands his phone over to Mac before running over to Jay. Jay seems like he’s trying to protest, but Jack can guide him easier, due to Jay’s current state. 

“Mac, what’s going on,” Riley says softly over the phone. Hearing her voice causes his muscles to relax as he walks back over to the air vent. “How do you know it’s Mason,” she asks. 

3.00 

“There was… there was a note, along with my dad’s pocket knife. He did this Riley,” Mac says. He wants to hide the panic in his voice but it’s Riley. Even if he had faked it, she would know. If there was one person who could read him like an open book, it was her. 

“And I’m looking at this bomb and I-” he swallows. “I know how to disable it, at least, I think I do. I’ve seen this before but the bomb is so… so normal,” he mutters. “That’s not Mason’s style. He’s tricky and complex and this isn’t like him.” 

He can hear Riley suck in a breath on the other end of the line. “Mason’s style… is messing with you Mac. That bomb, it’s got to be as simple as you think it is. He had to make getting to the bomb hard, so you were called,” she says. 

It makes sense. If Mason had a message for Mac, 11 bombs and targeting an army buddy with a trick bomb was a perfect way to get his attention. 

“The bomb itself could be whatever he wanted,” she adds. “Because his mind game with you, it’s the note, and it’s your father’s knife,” she says. Her voice is determined and sure. He missed when he was that confident in himself. 

He remembered how it used to be when he didn’t have a solution and he would smirk at Jack and say he’d figure it out. Now he needed to have someone walk him through everything. 

2:00 

“If you’re wrong, Riles, I die,” he tells her. He glances outside the room, noticing Jack and Jay had reached the opening of the building. Within 30 seconds they would be safe from any blast. 

“C’mon Mac, when have you ever known me to be wrong,” she jokes. Which causes Mac to laugh slightly. 

“Yeah alright, fair point Davis,” he says. 

“Besides, you have to make it back,” Riley says. There’s an unusual softness in her voice as she speaks to him. It makes his cheeks feel pink. “You still owe me that twenty bucks from skeeball and pizza,” she jokes. 

“Right yeah, how about after this I buy you dinner, I don’t have a twenty on me,” he adds. 

“Sounds like a plan,” Riley responds. 

Taking another deep breath. He pulls out the pocket knife and gets out the scissors. If his hand could stop shaking that would make this a lot easier. He goes silent as he examines the bomb. 

From the looks of it, the biggest challenge was the wire colors. Mason switched them. Usually, he would snip the green wire, but for this particular bomb, The green wire would detonate everything. 

“Talk to me Mac,” Riley says softly. 

1:00 

He promised Jack if he didn’t have answers at 1:00 he would leave. 

“The wire colors are switched, I have to… figure this out,” he says slowly. 

“You don’t have the time Mac, it’s been two minutes. Get out of there,” she reminds. 

He doesn’t answer. He knows she’s right but he can’t let Mason win, not this time. Not again. He either solved this or he died trying. 

He was sick of letting men like him win. Letting men like Murdoc and Mason manipulate him, make him feel pity for them. Then play him like a fool. He was tired of being a pawn in their games. 

He refused to let him win again. 

0.30 

“Mac, get out of there,” she begs. For some reason, her worry seemed to bring out his confidence. He had to prove to her he could do it. He had to prove it to himself. 

“Mac,” Riley says urgently. Once again he ignores her and sets the phone down. 

0.15 

“It’s the blue one.” 

0.10 

“Don’t risk it if you don’t know,” Riley tells him. 

0.09 

He lines the scissors up with the wire. 

0.08 

He swallows. 

0.07 

The blue one. It has to be the blue one. 

0.06 

“Mac!” Riley’s voice is urgent and full of fear. 

0.05 

He takes one more deep breath before pressing the handle of the scissors down, he cuts the wire. 

The timer goes off and he lets out a sigh of relief. Shoving the pocket knife back into his pocket. His shoulders slumped a bit as he leaned against the wall. He could use a good night’s sleep after this. 

“One bomb successfully disabled,” he smiles. He can hear Riley sigh and he’s almost certain he hears a sob of relief. 

“Good job, Mac, now come home. I want that din-” 

_Beep_

“Riley stop,” he interrupts. It’s faint but he can hear something. The quiet beeping begins before getting louder, more urgent. It takes him a few seconds to register what it is. 

_A second bomb._

“There’s a second bomb,” he mutters. He doesn’t wait, he can’t. By the sound of the bomb, he knows it could go off any second. 

Leaping over the control panel, Mac lands on the ground. His knees and hands harshly come into contact with the shattered glass and he takes off running towards the door. The sound of Riley calling his name from Jack’s phone echoes in his ear. 

But he can’t stop to explain, or even turn around to grab the phone, even if he wanted to he didn’t have the time. 

How could he not expect this? 

_“Congratulations, specialist Macgyver, you have your first assignment. Tomorrow you ship to Afghanistan.”_ Between Jay, Jack, and the threat of a bomb, Mac's mind takes him back to when he was 18. Signing up to be an EOD Specialist. A decision that changed everything in his life. A decision that led him to where he was now. 

He stumbles a bit before hearing a loud banging sound echoing in his heart. His body is thrown forward and crashes into a hard surface, he’s not sure if it’s a floor or a wall. 

And suddenly, everything is black. 

~~~ 

Mac glares up at them through his lashes before relenting and saying, “Get Jay out of here. I need time to think and I can’t do that if I’m worried about him. Besides, If I can’t disable it and need to run… Jay can’t move fast. At this point him being here is a liability, so get him out of here,” the blond finishes, and Jay can’t help but feel hurt. 

That’s the last thing he wanted. This is his fault for breathing it in in the first place, he should’ve noticed the hole before Mac triggered the canister. 

Mac can’t focus properly because he’s too busy worrying about Jay. It’s one of his biggest fears. 

Being a hindrance, rather than help. It’s how he felt his entire life, especially growing up. It’s why he wanted to join the military, so he could help people. Be useful. He understands that _he_ did this. He made this choice. But it still stings to hear that the one thing he never wanted to bcome true. 

He shivers and feels the cold sweat growing on his skin. His lungs feel like they’ve been lit on fire with every breath. 

Why did he have to be so _stupid?_

_“How are you always so d*mn dense, Jay!”_ His father would say to him. He wasn’t wrong. _“Sometimes I feel like I’d be better off raising a brick for a son.”_

And he would laugh. 

He scrunches his eyes shut as the burning from the lights gets worse. 

“Mac you know I-” Jack tries to protest before Mac cuts him off. 

“Just do it, Jack! If… if I can’t get it, and I get to a minute left I’ll leave alright. But I can’t do my job while I worry about him. Just go… please. Besides if you wait… I don’t know if he’ll make it.” 

Jay opens his eyes again to see them staring at him and he realizes how horrible he must look, hunched over in pain, covered in sweat, with blood steadily oozing from his nose and down onto his shirt. 

The metallic taste is getting stronger too, and it scares him. 

Jack looks back and forth between him and Mac before quickly pulling out his phone and calling someone. 

“Jack what are you doing?” Mac asks. 

“If I’m gonna leave you in this building, I’m making sure you’re not alone,” Jack explains. 

Jay feels horrible that Mac is in this position in the first place, but wait… did Jack say ‘alone’? No no no they are _not leaving him._ Jay tunes out what the man is saying on the phone. As he panics further. He doesn’t want to leave. 

He’s _not leaving the kid._

Jack is handing the phone to Mac before dashing back over to Jay. 

“N-no we c-“ He starts hacking again as the word catches in his burned throat. “I- won’t-“ he veers out between coughs. 

“Jay, we don’t got a choice buddy. I’m makin’ sure he’s gettin’ out too though, don’t worry kid.” Jack reassures him determinedly, patting him on the back as he lifts Jay’s arm around his shoulders to half-drag him out. 

Jay groans as it pulls on his half-healed bullet wound, and his sudden intake of breath sends a shooting pain through his lungs. It’s enough to make his vision white out for a few seconds before everything fades back into view. 

He’s still extremely against leaving, but he’s not exactly in a state to fight the person currently holding him upright. He just has to trust that Jack can get the kid out. His feet stumble uncoordinatedly across the ground, not really supporting much of his weight anyway, as Jack drags him through the door and toward the perimeter where the emergency vehicles are. 

The bright flashing lights send a sharp pain through his head and he closes his eyes again. The first responders rush forward to help grab him from Jack and pull him into the ambulance. 

He brushes them off as they swarm on him, one of which is Sylvie, who he’s glad is here rather than all a bunch of randos, and sits down on the back number of the ambulance. 

“I’m o-okay,” he rasps out, staring intently at the building, waiting for Mac. There wasn’t much time left. He has to come out soon. He _has to._

“He’s not ‘ _okay’_ he inhaled some kind of acid or somethin’ and his nose started bleedin’,” Jack explains quickly. 

He throws his soaking wet piece of cloth to the ground with irritation, having been so soaked it’s worthless. Sylvie looks at him sadly and hands him a fresh wad of gauze, knowing that he’s not going to accept full treatment until his friend gets out. She’s had to treat him enough times to know how he works. 

He nods absently in thanks, not able to focus on much besides the building entrance as Jack heads back. _Where’s Mac where’s Mac where’s Mac—_

There’s something tickling the back of his throat and he coughs violently again, but blood splatters out of his mouth with each hack, speckling the gauze and his hand. 

He swears raspily under his breath. He cannot afford this right now. He can’t be a burden. 

The paramedics notice the blood that came from his mouth and converge on him, but he shoves the closest one away angrily. 

“I said lay off!” He spits at the man and then there’s a loud boom, and the ground is rumbling. 

The warehouse explodes. 

The warehouse explodes and Mac is still inside. 

Jay can see Jack get knocked back a few feet on the ground from the blast, having been closer to the warehouse than everyone else. 

**_No._ ** _No this can’t be happening._

His eyes widen as the initial shock where’s off and it hits him what just happened. 

Mac is dead. 

This happened in Kandahar. He watched two of his comrades get blown to bits in front of him, all because he stopped to fasten his vest. 

He’s usually in the front of the group. He would’ve been the one to hit the land mine. 

But all because he was in such a rush to get to the checkpoint that he forgot to tighten his vest until just then. 

Jay throws the gauze to the side and rushes to Jack, ignoring the pain as adrenaline surges back through him. He helps the older man up off the ground and they both exchange a panicked look at the warehouse. 

Half of the roof is crumbling down into the fire, sending a wave of heat in their direction. He can hear an officer calling for CFD. What if Mac is somehow alive in there but trapped? There won’t be enough time for the team to get here. 

Jay lets go of Jack’s shoulder and starts forwards towards the warehouse. He needs to find him. And if he really is gone… at least find his body so he can have a proper funeral. Jack moves to run in too, but they’re both stopped when Voight and Kevin run over to stop them. 

“Hey! You can’t go in there— that building could collapse at any moment!” The sergeant shouts. He puts a hand lightly on Jay’s chest to hold him back, and it infuriates him. Kevin has his hand on Jack’s arm to keep the man still and Jack seems equally irritated. 

“Move.” He veers back at the older man, but he’s not budging. Jay shoves his arm away to move past him, but Voight follows and grabs both of his shoulders firmly. 

“Hey- Listen to me! You go in there and you both might be dead!” 

“I don’t care!” Jay yells back with desperation, his voice a ragged mess. He struggles against the man again but Voight doesn’t relent. Jay groans in frustration, huffing short wheezing breaths as the flames grow higher. 

“I-“ He coughs again, spitting blood onto the pavement before wiping his mouth. Voight looks more concerned than he’s seen him but Jay ignores it. “Hank, I did this,” he cries. “I sent him in there.” His voice breaks embarrassingly as his resolve crumbles. 

Voight’s own expression seems to break in tandem with sympathy, and his voice softens and gets low. “Kid, you can barely stand.” He denotes, looking down at Jay’s shaking form. “It’s too dangerous. I already lost one kid, I’ll be d*mned if you go down too.” 

A lot of people have left Voight too, he realizes. If Jay dies he’s just expanding the list. The man doesn’t deserve that. 

Jay hangs his head at the warring options. He wants so badly to just run in there and save Mac, or die trying. But with Voight’s firm grip on his shoulder, silently begging him not to leave… part of him just can’t bear to make things worse for the sergeant. The father figure he never expected. 

The younger man’s face crumbles and he wipes tears from his eyes the moment they fall, no doubt smearing the blood on his face with his red-covered hands. Jay looks over at Jack and sees the equally devastated expression on his face. The man tries to fight with Kevin but the latter is unrelenting. 

Jack sits down on the ground in shock, and Jay is pretty sure he’s crying. 

_“You go kaboom, I go kaboom.”_ That was Jack and Mac’s philosophy.

He just killed Jack’s brother. 

Jay’s legs fold under him and Voight grabs onto his hand as he sinks to his knees to slow the descent. The Ranger slams his fist on the concrete below him, before burying his face in his hands. 

He was so worried about the possibility of losing Hailey, he didn’t realize he wasn’t worried enough about the person he sent in to save her. He can barely breathe now, his lungs only managing short wheezes through the waves of panic and guilt coursing through him. 

Voight is still crouched next to him rubbing his back. 

“It’s not your fault.” The man says softly, close to his ear so no one else will hear it. “This is not on you.” 

_A lie of comfort._

_Voight doesn’t get it._

The comfort just makes him feel worse. He doesn’t need comfort— he needs to not be such a _screw up._

The kid is dead and it’s Jay’s fault. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN
> 
> Pls feel free to yell at us down below ;)  
> \- Emily


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are taken to the hospital to get looked at, and Jay’s brother Will— a doctor at med— is shocked and concerned at Jay’s condition.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone it’s Emily! 
> 
> Just wanted to apologize for the longer wait for this one. We were originally going to post a one-shot on Christmas Eve, but it was starting to take forever and then Sam and her family got Covid, so it’s been a pretty wild few weeks.
> 
> Disclaimer: I’m also sorry for the probably extremely inaccurate medical information, I was really just winging it with stuff I’ve looked up and added some things to make it fit better to the story. 
> 
> I also don’t speak Arabic, so sorry to any of you who do if it’s inaccurate, I just used Google translate 
> 
> Since Chicago PD was dELaYed to nExt weEk hopefully this makes you feel better, so enjoy!

_ “Hey bud, you have to get up.” _

Alfred Peña's voice rings in Mac's ears while the rest of the world remains deathly silent. 

_ "C'mon. You have work to finish, now get up!"  _

Mac takes in a deep inhale, only to be met with thick smoke and dirt entering his lungs. His eyes shoot open as a fiery sensation fills his lungs. Which only causes him to let out a fit of coughs and gasps. 

His eyes burn as he tries to look around through the smoke filled area. Trying to get a better glimpse of his surroundings. He could see by the positions of the flames around him that he was in a building. The structure wasn’t a building in Afghanistan. 

Which meant he had no idea where he was or what had happened to him. 

_ "Get down! Everyone get down!"  _

_ The sound of gunfire rang overhead. Holes being blown through the wall as Jack pushed Mac deeper into the house for cover.  _

_ The shouting, the dust, the sounds… It was haunting.  _

The clashing metal focuses Mac, pulling him back to the building and away from memories of war. Pulling him back to the present warehouse he was in. His mind trying to piece together the past few series of events. 

Enlistment became DXS. DXS became The Phoenix Foundation. The Ghost was gone now… Mason. 

He takes in a deep breath before immediately regretting it. Coughing violently, Mac does his best to blink the smoke and ash from his face. He had been blown back by bombs before, and he doubted it was the last time this would happen. 

_ “Mac, no!” Jack yelled. He tried to catch the 19 year olds arm, but he slipped away in time. His feet carrying him towards the building.  _

_ Enough bombs had gone off lately.  _

_ "Macgyver, stand down!"  _

_ He shouldn't ignore Jack, the other man would be livid when they got out of this. But Jack could kill him later, right now Mac had ten children trapped inside a building with a highly dangerous bomb.  _

_ Being dishonorably discharged for not following orders wouldn’t be an issue as long as those kids were safe.  _

Once again a fit of coughs erupts from his lungs as debris crumbles around him. A beam creaks in the distance. Despite how bad it burned, Mac forces his eyes to stay open so he could look around. 

The warehouse he was in was unstable, the blast had hit some of the structure walls, in fact, it was a miracle the building was still standing right now. He couldn’t guarantee that it wouldn’t collapse, meaning he had to get out. 

Mac holds his breath, shivering slightly as his mind tries to drag him back to when he felt this urge. The urge to get out and be free, to feel the fresh breath against his lungs. He wanted out, but his body didn’t want to move. 

This wasn’t the first time his body wanted to betray him. 

Inhaling straight nitrogen made him head spin and his heart pump. 

The drugs that Murdoc had injected him with, that made the entire world spin. 

The time when he left his father and aunt to die while he ran like a coward. 

_ “What is the first thing that could kill you,” Peña asked.  _

_ “The bomb.”  _

_ “Wrong, it’s your emotions about the bomb that will get you killed.”  _

Emotions were dangerous, they had always been, and they were dangerous to him right now. 

Forcing down his pain, Mac pushes his body up. He can feel a tingling pain from his fingertips shooting through his arms as he drags his body against a wall. He could faintly make out the dirt and bruises that covered his arms. 

Between sliding through the small hole, and being blown back in a warehouse filled with shattered glass and other perfect materials for shrapnel, his body was cut up. He was in severe pain. 

As he drags himself towards the wall, he can feel his leg catch on different parts of the floor, a sharp pain searing through his leg. Which caused a scream to escape his lips. Looking down his eyes fixate on his leg, which had a large piece of metal sticking from it, embedded in his thigh. 

He sucks a breath in through his teeth as a few tears slid down his face. He tries to tell himself it was just from the burning smoke hitting his eyes, but he knew that wasn’t it. This was too much to handle. 

His hands tremble as he tries to pull the shard from his leg, but it only causes him to scream out once more. Blood building up in his hands from the movement of the as he carefully let go of the metal shard. 

His head drops slightly as a few more tears drip down his face. 

If he couldn’t get the shard out, the only other option was to leave it in. The medics could remove it when he got outside with the others. 

_ Oh gosh- The others.  _

He couldn’t imagine what Jack would be thinking right now. Having watched the building explode. Or Jay, Jay was in bad shape before, you add the stress of seeing the explosion. Or… Riley… 

He was on the phone with her when it blew up, she would be devastated not to hear anything from him. Hearing the explosion before the line went dead. No answers as to what was going on or where he was.

He couldn’t do that to her. 

Mac looks around for a moment before grabbing onto the wall and forcing himself to his feet. Biting his lip to stop himself from screaming again as another tear drips from his cheek. Any pressure on his left leg sends unbearable pain through him, but there was nothing he could use to make a decent crutch to relieve the pain. 

Any of the metal or pierced of wood he could use would be way too hot to hold onto, besides, he didn’t have any time to make something. As another beam crashes down, Mac flitches. His mind trying to take him back to war. Back to the gunfire and bloodshed he saw. 

Maybe it was too risky coming here, seeing Jay again. 

When you see old military brothers, it brings back those memories. With everything going on he couldn’t think about the men he saw die right in front of him. The men who risked their lives for him. Mac had too much on his mind already to deal with old war memories. 

He was still dealing with his own shadow. 

Once he has regained his balance Mac takes a step forward, nearly collapsing as he does so. His hands cling desperately to the wall as he tries to keep himself standing. He could faintly see the exit of the building in the distance.

Despite it being late at night, the fire from the explosion lit the way to the exit, smoke and flames dancing near the open door. Each step grows increasingly more painful. Sweat drips down his forehead as he tries to focus his mind. Trying to take it one step at a time. 

One excruciatingly painful step at a time. 

Finally, he feels the breeze of the outside air as he approaches the door frame. It was cold against his skin, and it stung, but it was refreshing. 

Mac’s lungs burn as he takes a deep breath in. Trying to clear the smoke from his lungs the best he could. But, it doesn’t stop him from violently coughing. He steps away from the wall, and immediately his legs begin to shake. 

He wants to collapse. To give up and let the police find him near the entrance of the building. He had gotten away from danger, and gotten away to safety. He didn’t need to carry on anymore. 

“Mac?” 

The voice seems to break through the sounds of the crackling fire. 

“Mac!” 

Once again, the voice is the clearest thing Mac can hear. 

“Jack!” he coughs. 

Despite the pain in his body Mac can’t help but rush forward as fast as he can manage. 

If there was one person he wanted to be there with him when the world turned to crap, it was Jack. He was always there to protect Mac, always there to make him smile. Even now, with shrapnel in his leg, cuts, and bruises across his body, he couldn’t help smile at Jack. 

“Well would you look at that,” Voight tells Jay, who doesn’t look to be in a good situation. His lip has blood on it, likely from spitting it up again and he looks pale. Though Mac can’t judge him, he doubts he looks much better. 

“You’re all good buddy. We got you,” Jack says as he reaches Mac’s side. A laugh cuts through the silence as Jack wraps Mac up in a hug. It doesn’t last long as the other man pulls away. “You smell like a highschool bonfire,” he cracks. 

Mac can’t help but laugh, which then turns into a cough as the other man supports the majority of his body weight. Immediately Jack helps Mac take the pressure off his leg which allows Mac to let out a soft sigh. 

He can see tear marks on Jack’s face as his vision begins to clear up. He can’t help feel guilty for making Jack and Jay think he was dead. He promised he’d leave after a minute, and he lied. A lied that nearly cost him his life. 

“Were you crying, Dalton?” Mac coughs. 

“Says you, ya know dirt and water don’t mix, I can see clear marks down your face, man,” Jack adds. 

Mac let’s a faint laugh and shakes his head a bit. “Oh um,” he begins. “I may have accidentally left your phone in there,” he says. To which Jack lets out a large groan. 

“It hasn’t even been twenty four hours,” He complains. “But I guess I’ll let it slide, this time,” he tells him. 

His vision from a distance is shot, he’ll need some eyedrops in order for it to clear up, but as they get closer to the ambulance, he can see what sort of shape Jay is in. He had passed out and was being moved inside the vehicle.

“How’s he doing,” Mac says slowly. One of the paramedics helps pull him into the ambulance, allowing him to sit next to Jay as she hands him an oxygen mask. He probably needs it, but he’s hesitant to put it on - so instead he holds it in his hand.

“He’s gonna be fine,” Jack says, though Mac knows even he’s just as concerned. “Listen man, I thought you were done for, when that building went up I-” 

“I’m okay Jack, besides I still owe Riley $20 and I don’t think she’d let me leave before I pay her back,” Mac jokes. He sees Jack smile, but the concern is still behind his eyes.

“What happened in there?” Jack asks. He’s staring at Mac intently, which makes the younger man shift in his seat.

“Well-” 

“No, I told you to get out of there when it hit a minute, you promised me you would leave,” he says. His voice is serious and there’s a tint of anger behind it. It’s no secret that the older man is livid. 

“I know,” Mac responds. “And I should have listened but I disabled the first bomb, there was a second. I almost didn’t hear it, and when I did I took off. I swear.” Mac glances up at the other man. 

“Next time, I am not leaving you. I don’t care what you say,” Jack says.

“Yeah um… please don’t,” Mac adds. There’s a waiver to his voice that he can hear, and he knows Jack hears it too. “You need to call Riley, she was on the phone when the place blew. No doubt she’s freaking out,” he adds. Jack nods before grabbing the oxygen mask from Mac and holding it closer to his face.

After taking the oxygen Mac for Jack, he takes a deep breath in. Inhaling the clean and filtered air. He glances down at his legs, which Jack seems to notice. He visibly gags which causes Mac to smile a bit. He moves the mask so he can talk with Jack again, “I’m glad you’re back.”

“Well, as evident with tonight, someone needs to look after you,” Jack tells him. Mac slumps against the ambulance and takes another deep breath in with the oxygen mask. He hadn’t realized how anxious he had been until now. Until he was finally away from the fire.

His mind can’t help but spiral as he thinks about the bomb. The way it was set up so perfectly, the way he allowed Mason to get in his head. This couldn’t happen again. Mac wouldn’t let it.

“We’re gonna get him,” Jack says, as if reading his thoughts. “When we get to the hospital I’ll borrow a phone and contact Matty. We will take him down,” he promised.

Mac nods before his eyes fixate back on Jay.

“This is the second time he has gone after someone I knew, someone I served with… Charlie died because of him, and now Jay is being sent to the hospital. So I will make sure he’s either behind bars, or six feet under,” Mac replies.

Mason would pay, Mac was going to make sure of it.

**_~~~_ **

“Mac?” He hears Jack’s voice stutter out. 

Jay’s body goes cold as he realizes the possibility of how Jack’s words sounded. He looks up, to see Mac stumbling out of the flames of the warehouse, covered in soot and scratches. 

_ This can’t be real—  _

“Mac!” Jack yells with excitement and worry as he runs over to help the kid. Relief floods his body. 

_ He’s not dead he’s not dead he’s not dead—  _

“Well, would you look at that.” Voight laughs at the sight of MacGyver, who is slightly injured, but alive nonetheless. Jay has trouble believing the sight is actually real and that this all isn’t a hallucination brought on by brain damage. 

He tries to stand, but can barely make it off his knees before basically collapsing into Voight’s arms, which under any other circumstances he would probably be embarrassed about.

He grimaces as a new wave of pain spikes in his chest and his mouth fills with blood again that he spits to the side. Voight’s talking to him, calling over paramedics to finally take him, and get Mac. 

Jay feels like whatever bit of consciousness he was holding onto because of his guilt fades away. 

The kid is alive. 

He can relax now.

The last thing he hears before his eyes roll into the back of his head is Jack telling Mac: 

“You’re all good buddy. We got you.” 

oOo

_ He couldn’t breathe.  _

_ Large hands wrapped around his throat, fingers digging into the sides of his neck and in his larynx. He bucked and clawed at the hostile, trying desperately to push him off and  _ **_breathe._ ** _ The man was screaming at him in Arabic as he squeezed harder.  _

_ “Hadha ma tastahiquh alkullab al'amrikia!” (This is what you american dogs deserve)  _

_ His face started to go numb as the pressure built in his head, threatening to explode.  _

_ “Wayn baqy rijalika?!” (Where are the rest of your men)  _

_ Jay absently felt it was ridiculous for him to be asking when he could even breathe let alone speak to give an answer.  _

_ His unit had been surveying a small abandoned village a few klicks south of Kabul. Jay had split up from the team, to clear a building on his own while Mac and Jack swept the streets for mines or other triggers.  _

_ Then he realized the village wasn’t as abandoned as they had thought.  _

_ A fairly large man barreled into him from the side, surprising him. After a short scuffle the hostile had gotten the upper hand and got on top of Jay, roughly choking the air out of him.  _

_ Jay knew his face had to be turning purple with how hard the hostile was choking him. Just as he was about to push the man off, he lifted Jay up a few inches before slamming his head into the hard floor. He saw stars for a few seconds, but when they faded, the rest of his vision didn’t return.  _

_ He couldn’t see anything anymore as unconsciousness took over from lack of blood and oxygen. Everything was fading. His sight, his hearing, and his sense of touch fading as he felt his arms go limp and hit the floor.  _

_ Then all of the sudden his lungs gasped in a painful breath and he was coughing. His vision returned and he could see Mac and Jack having just saved his life. He would thank them, but he couldn’t stop coughing.  _

_ Not enough air-  _

_ The breathing he just thought was returning started to elude him again. His breaths got harder and shorter and soon enough he couldn’t get anything in. It was like when he got stung by a bee as a kid and his throat started closing up from the reaction.  _

_ Swelling. No this is bad.  _

_ The guy strangling him must have really been squeezing hard, not to mention the amount of dirt and debris in this room that he probably breathed in and made his throat irritated.  _

_ As he gasped and wheezed he looked up with panic at the other two, reaching for Mac’s shoulder who was crouched next to him.  _

_ “C- ca-“ he tried to choke out that he  _ **_couldn’t breathe_ ** _ but couldn’t even manage to get that much out.  _

_ Macgyver’s eyes widened as he realized what Jay was trying to tell him. Jay dug his fingers into the floor as his chest tightened without oxygen again, his other hand clawing at his throat desperately.  _

_ Mac started shouting at Jack for random items and Jay sunk to the floor as his vision blurred again. He was so sure his head was going to actually explode. Everything got fuzzy again and his eyes were watering and he couldn’t feel his lips.  _

_ He's pretty sure he had blacked out for a minute, because all of the sudden Mac’s pocket knife was slicing the base of his throat and he inserted a small makeshift tube in the incision.  _

_ It felt weird and disorienting and he still couldn’t breathe himself properly but somehow his lungs were getting air because he could see again and his head wasn’t actively going to burst anymore.  _

_ The kid leaned over him to blow air into the tube and the relief from the oxygen had him closing his eyes, tears leaking out of the corners and trailing down his temples into his hair. He had to mentally stop himself from trying to breathe himself, knowing it would just make things worse, but it was extremely difficult to just stop doing something that your body is trained to do automatically. _

_ The pain in his throat had him wanting to swallow reflexively, but that made it feel even worse and he choked for a second. Jack looked about ready to throw up, and Mac looked at him with concern and a slightly frustrated expression that he had swallowed.  _

_ He must’ve told Jay not to at some point, but the Ranger had missed it.  _

_ “Don’t. Swallow.” He repeated firmly, his voice still shaky from the adrenaline of Jay almost  _ **_dying._ **

_ Jay reached his hand out clumsily, groping around the floor to find Mac’s hand and squeezing tightly and giving the best nod he could in his condition without jarring the tube.  _

_Mac gives him a tense smile in return that turns flat when Jay chokes on a swallow_ _again_ _._

oOo

His eyes shoot open and coughs, choking on the liquid in his throat. The oxygen mask on his face becomes painted with flecks of red. He’s wheezing in short stunted breaths, a wet rattling tone echoing out with each inhale and exhale. 

The sight of the ambulance ceiling isn’t new to him, but that doesn’t mean it brings him joy either. It just brings back memories of pain and suffering and shame. As he fights to breathe he wonders if this is what his mom felt like as she was dying in the hospital, the cancer in her lungs preventing her from breathing properly. Or if this pain in his chest was how his father felt when his heart was failing. 

Maybe it’s poetic in a sense. 

As if given the opportunity to experience what they had to before taking their last breath. 

The ambulance hits a significant pothole and his whole body jars on the gurney. The sharp burning in his chest and stomach that results causes him to squeeze his eyes shut and release a pained grunt. 

It’s nothing compared to the almost-scream that comes from beside him. It causes him to startle and flinch on the gurney, eyes going wide. He’s heard too many screams before. 

He’s heard  _ that  _ scream too many times. 

He looks over to see MacGyver getting his leg bandaged. Jay can see a jagged piece of metal sticking out and he internally cringes. Jack is comforting the blond, whispering something in his ear, and Jay silently thanks Jack for being there for the kid all these years.

Something Jay neglected. 

Mac looks about as bad as he feels. Covered in dirt and scratches from the explosion. If that chunk of metal is deep enough it could be debilitating. 

What if it severed the tendon or the bone? He might not be able to return to work for a while, if not ever. 

The kid doesn’t deserve that. Jay knows how work oriented he is. How much he strives to save lives. Jay doesn’t know what he'd do if he wasn’t able to be a cop anymore. It’s basically his whole identity anymore. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone, let alone Mac. 

“A-“ he chokes on blood at the back of his throat and rolls onto his side, moving his mask before spitting up blood and saliva on the ambulance floor. As he rolls onto his back again, Sylvie pulls the oxygen mask down further and uses a suction tool in his mouth to get the extra blood from his throat. 

“Thanks,” he huffs out to her, and she smiles, replacing the mask over his mouth. 

She takes a penlight and flashes it in his eyes, it sends a lance of pain through his pounding head. She grimaces sympathetically and apologizes at his apparent pain. The other paramedic starts cutting his shirt up the front so they can check for any other injuries, but it makes him feel too exposed. 

He’s gotten quite a few new scars in addition to the plethora he already had since he last saw the guys. Not to mention the still-inflamed bullet wound on his shoulder that’s just two inches below the other one from the bar shooting. 

Sylvie freezes for a second and Jay can see she’s trying to hold back her reaction, as a paramedic is supposed to, but he knows it’s jarring to see something like this from someone you know. 

His whole torso is basically a canvas covered pink and white dots and lines. Thankfully most of them are faint enough that they’re barely visible, else any of his female companions over the years would be more concerned. Or disgusted. 

Though he hasn’t slept with anyone since receiving the last few. 

Or slept at all for that matter. 

They stick the heart monitor leads to his chest and a very quiet beeping starts as his vitals start being recorded. He's thankful the volume is so low, else his head would feel even worse from the moderately loud noise. The low rapid beeping tells him his heart is going too fast to be healthy though. 

Her and the other paramedic are spouting off medical terms that he doesn’t understand. He almost smiles, absently remembering how much Will loved it when he had no idea what the medical jargon he spoke was. Probably made him feel smart. Sometimes Jay would pretend not to understand just to humor his brother. 

Their dad was never one to give much praise, so Jay tried to make up for that. 

Sylvie takes her gloved hands and feels along his torso for injuries, especially the bruise he knows is there from the warehouse fight. He winces and releases a small whine as she presses a bit too hard to test his ribs. 

“Sorry,” she says, cringing a bit. 

“S’okay,” Jay wheezes back. “Not… not broken. I can t-tell,” he adds. It definitely doesn’t hurt as much as a broken one usually does, and there wasn’t enough give when she pressed on it. It may hurt to breathe, but it’s his lungs that hurt, not the ribs. 

“How long ago did this happen?” She asks, pointing to his still-stitched bullet wound. She suctions out his throat again to allow him to speak easier. 

“Th-three… w…” he sucks in a breath. 

“Three weeks?” She finishes for him, and he nods in confirmation. 

“Okay it doesn’t look infected, it just looks a bit irritated.” She explains, noting the redness around the scab. 

He looks back over Mac again, furrowing his brow at the kid’s condition. He swallows down the little extra bit of blood that’s formed and tries to prepare his body to speak. It’s amazing what you realize you’ve been taking for granted when it suddenly becomes this difficult. 

Like talking. Breathing.  _ Living.  _

He reaches out again, like he did that day in Afghanistan, until he reaches Mac’s good leg, squeezing his knee. He was going for a reassuring squeeze, but his arm is so weak he can barely give any pressure. 

“A-are you…” He stops to take a breath and swallow painfully. “...okay?” 

**~~~**

“Now man, you know I am all for taking him down, but if we can’t get him behind bars-” Jack stops before allowing his voice to go quiet. “Then I pull the trigger, you don’t need that on your conscience,” he says. 

Gosh, he’s glad Jack’s back. 

Mac nods, but before he can respond, Jay’s eyes pop open and he coughs. His oxygen mask fills with blood as he wheezes. Mac shutters as he watches his old army buddy struggling. That should be him, he should be the one who inhaled the chemicals. 

He shifts a bit, careful not to move his leg too much, and movement of the metal could cause severe damage and even more pain. He leans forward a bit with the intent of removing Jay’s mask, clearing out some the blood to help the drowning feeling. 

However, the ambulance hits something. 

Pain shoots through Macs leg as the metal shard shifts. Despite trying not to, Mac lets out a scream. It hurts his throat to do so, and he feels Jack grab him, stabilizing him and preventing him from falling to the ground. 

More blood seems to pour out from his leg, and a tear slips down his face. He tries to steady his breathing, but he feels like he’s going to pass out. Beads of sweat dripping down his face.

“We need to get this secured,” one of the paradecis tells him. Mac nods a bit, but he’s too weak to do anything else. He can tell no major artery was cut, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still losing a decent amount of blood. 

Jack stands up, helping Mac get his legs onto the bench he was sitting on, before sitting back down behind Mac. The paramedic steps past them and examines his leg, trying to determine the best way to secure the shrapnel. 

More blood seems to drip down his leg before the paramedic gets to work. Every move they make causes Mac to wince and shudder. Occasionally biting his lip to avoid screaming again. He’s positive he startled Jay, which only makes him feel worse. 

Once his leg was bandaged, Mac flops his head back. It falls onto Jack’s shoulder and the other man sees unbothered by the action. Instead, he scoots closer so Mac’s neck isn’t as stretched out. 

Jack moves his right hand closer, brushing the few strands of hair and sweat from his forehead. He had never been the most affectionate guy in the world, but he knew how to calm Mac down. 

_ “Mac!”  _

_ His shoulder ached.  _

_ He hadn’t been shot before, and this isn’t what he thought it would be like.  _

_ “Angus!”  _

_ Jack’s voice echoes through the dark as Mac tries to keep his head above water. Only one of his arms is any good to move, keeping himself above water. He wants to pass out. He didn’t know how much time had passed since he fell into the water.  _

_ “J-”  _

_ His head dips below the water and it takes all the effort in the world to bring it above the surface.  _

_ “Jack!”  _

_ He watches the other man appear above the railing of the bridge, even in the dark Mac can see the relief that fills Jack’s face at the sight of him. Without hesitation, Jack leaps over the railing and within seconds Jack is by his side.  _

_ He grabs him and helps him get towards the edge of the water. Dragging him onto the shore and propping him against one of the trees.  _

_ It’s then that the adrenaline fully wears off. His body is trembling from the cold, blood loss, and the site of Nikki being shot. The memory replaying in his mind over and over. It was like he was stuck in a theater that was replaying the same horror movie.  _

_ Only the main star of the movie is you.  _

_ “What happened,” Jack asks. He sees the blood coming from Mac’s shoulder and presses it down tightly. A hiss escaped Mac’s lips at the feeling of the pressure.  _

_ “They-” Mac takes a deep breath. “They shot Nikki,” he mutters. It’s then that tears begin to slip down his face and he shakes his head. “They shot her and then took her body, Jack,” he gasps a bit.  _

_ Jack goes silent, trying to process what Mac had just told him. But, once another sob escapes Mac’s throat, Jack forgets himself. Jack immediately pulls him into a hug, while keeping as much pressure on the gunshot wound as he can.  _

_ “It’s okay,” Jack says softly.  _

_ It’s a while of the two sitting there as Mac breaks down. It’s not until the silence of the forest gets to them that both of them separate and Jack helps Mac to his feet. The majority of Mac’s weight has to be carried by Jack, he was practically useless. Each leaf or branch they step over causes him to slip and nearly fall to the ground. _

_ “When we get back up there we’re gonna find Thorton, and then we are getting you to a hospital,” Jack tells him. “Then I’m gonna find the guys who did this,” he adds. _

Jay’s attempt at speaking distracts Mac from his thoughts. Jay pulls his mask down before he spits blood onto the floor of the ambulance and he rolls back. One of the paramedics helps suction out the blood in his throat. 

It makes Mac sick. 

The thought of drowning was unpleasant enough, but drowning in your own blood was so much worse. He wonders if Jay is regretting his decision to protect Mac from it, regretting what he had done now that he was drowning from the inside. 

He wants to trade places with the other man. Just like he wanted to trade places with his father, with his aunt- 

-with Lasky. 

“Thanks,” Jay barely manages to get out. The paramedic returns the mask to his face and Mac glances down. He knows Jack is reading his guilt, he always had a way of knowing when Mac was blaming himself - which seemed to be happening more as of late. 

Mac watches as the paramedic begins to check up on Jay. He wants to ask how he is, he wants to talk to Jay and say sorry he missed the canister, but he’s too… numb.

Mac’s attention pulls back to Jay when the paramedic cuts away some of his shirt. He can see bruising, and bullet wounds. The man's chest looks purely painful. Mac glances away quickly, not wanting Jay to feel too uncomfortable.

He knew how awkward he felt after receiving his first gunshot wound, and Jay had multiple. He wondered if he should ask Jay about it, but figured it was best to say nothing. Besides, he still felt too tired too.

Even Jack is silent, though Mac knows the older man noticed as well. 

Probably blaming himself for leaving Mac, probably regretting the fact he wasn’t able to get back to his side in time to cover him. Jack was a resilient guy, but if there was one thing that got to him, it was seeing the people he cared about hurting. 

If Riley was ever in danger, Jack was a completely different man, same with Mac and Bozer. Jack felt responsible for their safety, and he wouldn’t forgive himself till he knew Mac would be okay. Mac understood, at least to some degree.

After hooking Jay up to a monitor, the paramedics begin to talk about his condition. He wants to cut in, telling them what he knew about the effects of sulfuric acid. And he starts to speak, before Jack gives him the ‘they know what they’re doing’ look, so he stops.

“Sorry,” one of the paramedics says to Jay after examining his ribs. It’s then that it dawns on Mac that she probably knows him. He doubts this is the first time she’s responded to a call where he is the injured one. It’s not like it was rare for first responders to know each other. 

“S’okay, Not… not broken. I can t-tell,” Jay answers. 

Mac knows he shouldn’t be listening in on the conversation, but at this point he can’t help but listen. It started off as an accident but now he was somewhat invested. He wonders how many times Jay had broken a rib, if he could tell what a non broken rib felt like… 

Mac presses his eyes shut, he didn’t need to be thinking about the list of injuries Jay would have received. He was a cop, of course he had been put through the ringer. He already had a decent sized injury list from the army.

“How long ago did this happen?” The paramedic asks 

“Th-three… w…” Jay begins, before breathing - or lack of breathing - gets in the way. 

“Three weeks?” The paramedics asks. Mac imagines Jay gives her a confirmation that yes, whatever they were discussing happened three weeks ago, because the woman spoke again. “Okay it doesn’t look infected, it just looks a bit irritated,” She tells him. 

There’s silence as Mac slowly opens his eyes, immediately catching sight of his leg. He wonders for a moment how long he’ll be forced to recover from it. Matty had already put him on leave against his will, now that he was injured, who knows how much more time he would be forced to sit around the house. 

He hated sitting around, it gave his mind too much power. 

Being alone, with just his thoughts, it was like a ticking time bomb. 

That’s why Bozer had to move back in. 

After everything that happened with Codex, Riley moved out. It wasn’t personal, and Mac was grateful for her decision. She wanted to give Mac and Desi space to fix their relationship. He had lied and hurt Desi, and they needed time together to get things right. Riley was going to give them that. 

But, Desi and Mac made it a grand total of three days after that. He was distant, and as much as he tried to be there for her, it wasn’t enough. He had been, as she put it, “sulking too much.” They had a fight, harsh words were said - mostly by Desi and she left.

He planned on apologising when he woke up. However, when morning came, she was still gone and so was her stuff. 

He tried to be okay after that, but Matty hadn’t called him into work and a few days of his sulking passed, and Bozer showed up. Guess the best bud senses were off because he showed up out of the blue. 

The good part of them being adults now, was they drank together while Bozer cheered Mac up by complaining about Desi for the rest of the evening. 

And unlike the fight with Desi, when he woke in the morning Bozer had moved all his stuff back in, and even had his ‘famous’ hangover cure waiting for him. Bozer informed Mac that he and Riley already discussed what to do, she kept his place till the lease was done, and he would stay with Mac. 

Even after Mac confessed to Bozer that he had been struggling being alone, he hadn’t told him everything. He didn’t need to. He and Bozer never really had to talk in depth about things, Bozer always just  _ understood _ . 

He knew Mac was going stir crazy, he knew that the death of so many people had been weighing on his conscience, and that’s why he did everything he could to cheer him up. Still didn’t change the fact that Bozer was still called away on missions, which would leave Mac alone for a few days at a time. 

Well, mostly alone. 

His shadow still haunted him. 

He never spoke, never did anything… he just watched. 

There had been plenty of nights when Mac would get ready to contact Matty, his hand hovering over the call button. Wanting nothing more than to confess what he was going through and beg her to let him back. 

Then his shadow would give him this look, almost taunting him and asking if it really was a good decision. That confessing would land him in therapy, or cause him to lose his job. So, he would turn off the phone and get a drink. 

Mac feels his throat tighten a bit before he feels a hand rest on his good knee. He can feel a small squeeze, though it’s weak. Looking over, Mac sees Jay laying there with his hand on his knee. 

Despite looking like death, he still had that  _ Jay Halstead  _ look in his eyes. So full of concern for everyone around him. He always had that look back in the military. When anyone in the squadron would be injured, or even going through something at home, Jay would always give them this look. 

“A-are you…” Jay pauses for a split second as he swallows. “...okay?” 

Why was he asking about Mac? 

Shrapnel in the leg wasn’t nearly as traumatizing as drowning from your own blood. 

Mac shifts slightly, holding back a wince of pain. He glances down at the blood and nods a bit. As if the question woke him up or at least gave him some adrenaline. 

Mac can’t help let out a faint laugh. He knows it’s probably inappropriate, and maybe it was more blood loss than actually funny, but the question is ironic. After everything, after everything Mac had been through… 

This wasn’t the worst thing he experienced. 

“You know what,” he mutters. “This isn’t even the worst thing that’s happened to me,” he exhales. Another weak laugh escaping his lips. At least hysterical laughing would be better than breaking into a fit of sobs. 

He hears a small chuckle from Jack as he wipes some of the dust from his face. 

“I probably look like a wreck,” he mutters. He can taste the dirt and smoke still in his lungs and wanted nothing more than to get a glass of water to drink. 

Mac takes another deep breath before he calms himself down. “I’ll be fine Jay, worry about yourself alright,” he tells him. He doubts Jay will actually listen, but at least he can tell him not to worry. 

“They’ll probably just knock me out and remove the shard, I don’t think there’s any serious damage,” he adds as he brushes some of the dust from his hair. “I’ll be fine,” he says once more. Though he’s not sure if he is trying to convince Jay, Jack, the paramedics, or himself. 

**_~~~_ **

Mac laughs softly. 

He  _ laughs.  _ Jay isn’t the only one with inappropriately timed humor, he’s realizing. Although, back in the squad overseas, him and Mac were always the more unstable ones. 

More messed up. 

Guess that’s just a side effect of having a deadbeat dad. 

Mac never said much, other than the fact he wasn’t around much even before he took off, and when he was it was constant tests and challenges. 

“You know what… This isn’t even the worst thing that’s happened to me.” 

Jack laughs a little at that, and Jay smiles, though you wouldn’t be able to see it with the oxygen mask covering his face. Jay can definitely relate. Of all the things that have happened to him over the past decade, a little bit of acid burning his nose and throat isn’t much to worry about, no matter what the intense pain in his chest says. 

To hear Mac say the same thing… he’s not surprised. The kid had already been through worse during their tour in Afghanistan, so it wouldn’t surprise him. And who knows what him and Jack have been doing all these years since. 

Knowing how the other men are though, like Jay, they wouldn’t stand a chance at a normal job. They need the action as much as he does. 

“I probably look like a wreck,” Mac chuckles tiredly. He’s not exactly wrong, all covered in scratches and dirt and sweat, but as long as the guy’s alive… to Jay he looks perfect. 

Jay slowly blinks in response, both purposely slow to show affirmation, but also because his eyelids are starting to feel heavier by the minute and he’s losing the will to put more effort into keeping them open. “I’ll be fine Jay, worry about yourself alright,” Mac concedes, and Jay rolls his eyes. 

The guy has always been too selfless. Never caring about what happens to him as long as everyone else is safe. It’s something Jay always liked about him, and took pride in. 

Anyone who’s willing to put others before themselves always gains them Jay’s admiration. 

“They’ll probably just knock me out and remove the shard, I don’t think there’s any serious damage,” the blond finishes. 

That’s a relief. He would have for the kid to be stuck sitting around for so long. He would probably die if he couldn’t run around putting stuff together all spastically. 

His energetic antics always made Jay smile, and even more so when he saw it annoy Jack. The man’s phone always seemed to be the target of Mac’s destruction when they were in a bind. 

“C-can’t...” he takes a breath, “be worse…” Another breath, “than Kunduz,” he wheezes, knowing they would get a kick out of the reference to one of their more chaotic, and/or death defying missions that had all three of them bascically passed out by the end of it. 

Jack gives a knowing smile and Jay laughs lightly. Unfortunately that laugh turns into a hacking cough and he curls over on his side, arms cradling his stomach at the painful assault. Once finished, he pants heavily from the exertion. No matter how heavy of breath he takes, it’s starting to not be enough. 

He swallows again, and the pain from it in combination with the all-too-familiar metallic taste of the blood makes him want to vomit. He shivers as a chill runs through him. He really wishes he had something covering his bare torso. 

He’s sucking in really short breaths now, eyes squeezed shut with the effort, barely getting any air. He feels like he’s involuntarily hyperventilating because his  _ lungs won't accept any air.  _

The wet gurgling sound every time he wheezes can’t be a good sign either. 

When he opens his eyes again, Sylvie is there looking worried, checking his vitals. 

“O2 sats at 76%,” the male paramedic explains and he feels someone grab his hand. “Nail beds and lips are turning blue, we might need to intubate.” 

Sylvie shakes her head as she presses the cold end of her stethoscope against his chest. 

“We can’t intubate until the blood is out of his lungs.” 

She digs through one of the pull out drawers on the wall of the ambulance and pulls out a plastic packet. Removing the wrapper, she slides out a syringe with an  _ ungodly long needle.  _

The Ranger’s eyes widen a little and he shakes his head, weakly putting his uncoordinated hand on her wrist to stop her. 

Yeah no— he doesn’t care if he stops breathing, that needle is  _ not going in his body.  _

She looks at him sadly at first before her expression hardens. 

“Listen, I know you hate needles but would you really rather be drowning on your own blood right now?” 

Debatable. 

But she has a point. He quickly glances over at Mac and Jack. He won’t refuse care with them here anyways. 

He just needs to toughen up and get over it. It's just a needle, compared to the burning, aching, pressure in his chest currently, it probably won't even hurt that much… maybe. 

She sterilizes a section on his chest with iodine before palpating the area with her gloved fingers. Once she seems to find the right spot, she looks at him sympathetically before saying, “Sorry in advance about this,” and pierces his chest with the needle. 

Yeah he was wrong. It definitely hurts more. 

He releases a wheeze that dies off into a grunt as the needle pierces his chest wall and enters his lung. Absently he hears Jack’s sounds of disgust from where he’s sitting behind MacGyver and Jay can’t disagree with the man. 

He grips the sheet below him with tight fists as she pulls the plunger of the needle outward and the syringe slowly fills with blood. 

Once she’s finished, she slides the needle out, and he can finally breathe a bit better. It’s still labored and feels like he’s inhaling and exhaling  _ fire  _ but at least he’s getting a bit more oxygen. 

His eyes are all over the place, not having the strength to focus on anything. They roll up a little bit before he closes his eyes to recover, tears leaking out the corners again. 

_ Breathe. Just breathe.  _

Hailey’s voice enters his mind suddenly, from when he got shot the last few times, telling him to breathe and stay with her as she put her hands on his face. 

She was so worried. 

He felt guilty about letting things get so far that it even happened. That he worried her so much in the first place. Some part of him wonders why she seems so worried about him, when they haven’t even been partners for that long. 

_ “We’ve only been partners a couple years. You’ll forget about me just fine.”  _

But she couldn’t be more wrong. He doesn’t know if he could ever forget her. 

He drifts off thinking about her. 

oOo 

The next time he opens his eyes he’s seeing the white hospital ceiling whooshing by as he’s wheeled down the hallway of med. 

He chokes again as he comes to, almost wishing he had stayed unconscious. The pain seems even worse now. Or maybe it’s just because the damage has progressed. He wonders how long he was out. How long he was laying there unaware while the others talked and moved around him. 

He doesn’t like being vulnerable like that. 

Wait he didn’t get to see Mac and Jack again before they went in. What if something happens to him or them and he didn’t get to say goodbye? There’s so much he still needs to apologize to them for. 

If he dies they’ll never know. 

He can’t let that happen. 

The nurses are shouting things and there’s hands all over his body checking him over. One of them is prepping a needle of liquid and another is getting a large tube ready. 

He feels like he’s gonna be sick. 

“Jay!” Will’s voice breaks through his panic as he sprints up to the gurney now stationed in an emergency room. “Oh my G*d, Jay-” 

The relief Jay feels at the sight of his brother only offers a little comfort, and his arm shoots out to grab desperately onto his brother’s shirt. Will looks shocked before he pries his weak fingers open and grabs onto Jay’s hand, being mindful of his IV and squeezing it firmly between both of his. 

“I’m here, man. You’ll be okay, we’ve got you.” 

Jay’s eyes are wide as the anxiety of the situation is setting in. Blood is creeping up his throat and he’s cold and shaking and he can’t really feel his hands anymore. “Wi-“ is all he can choke out, but Will gets it. He squeezes Jay's hand tighter in reassurance. 

“I know hospitals freak you out, but we need to repair the damage done to your lungs. Don’t worry, I already got Connor to come down and do it. Only the best for you, little bro,” he consoles, glancing at the monitor and back. 

“Jay you’re not getting enough oxygen, we’re going to have to intubate you, but we can’t fully knock you out yet so you’ll still be partially awake. Is that okay?” 

Jay contemplates the options for a second, ultimately deciding that dealing with a tube down his throat is better than not breathing at all. He knows Will didn’t have to ask. That he was doing it out of courtesy for his brother.

He nods shakily in consent and Will purses his lips before signaling the nurse to deliver the light sedative to make him less aware, and medication for the pain. 

“Hand me the laryngoscope, I’m doing this.” Will commands, and Jay only now realizes that Ethan is there too. 

“Will... I’m not sure that's a good idea,” Ethan suggests apprehensively. “He’s your brother….” 

“Exactly. Which is why it should be me.” Will shoots back, “Look at how scared he is—” Will gestures at his brother, and in the midst of his gasping and panic, he shivers at the attention. It’s humiliating being seen like this, whether he’s dying or not. “I know my brother. He is  _ terrified _ .” 

Jay doesn’t hear Ethan say anything after that. He just sees will over him with the scope. Everything’s getting fuzzy around the edges but he just focuses on Will. His brother tells him to try and relax his throat, and he does. It’s just like when Mac operated on him overseas. 

_ Trust Will like you trust Mac.  _

His throat feels a bit less painful with the medication in his system now, but he can still feel the tube sliding down his swollen throat, and it takes all of his strength not to gag on it as it snakes down into his esophagus. 

His awareness fades into a hazy state of just  _ existing  _ and his thoughts slow as he looks up at his brother. 

On the other hand, Will is almost as terrified as his brother. 

He’s tired of seeing Jay hurting all the time, whether physically or emotionally. Jay has always been a glutton for punishment. Ever since their childhood. He supposes that’s partly to do with their upbringing. 

Dad was always harder on Jay. 

“You’re doing great, just focus on me,” Will tells him, his brown eyes boring into Jay’s bright blue-greens. “Once you’re stable in a minute here they’re gonna take you in for surgery, and I’ll be watching the whole time. You won’t be alone.” 

Even though Jay was always a quieter kid, valuing his time alone, he often had someone he was attached to because no matter how hard Jay denies it, he’s afraid to be alone. 

That’s another reason he feels guilty for not being around when their mom was dying. Jay didn’t deserve to go through that alone. Lord knows their dad probably wasn’t much help. 

Now with the intubation tube secured in his throat, his brother looks so fragile and pale, blood smeared all over his face, and glassy eyes turned to the pale green that they always do when he’s checked out. He’s half conscious at this point, but at least he looks a little less scared with the morphine in him. 

Will looks down Jay’s slack hand, seeing it still shaking slightly, and he takes it in his own again. 

He remembers Jay’s shaky hands when they were kids. Their dad would yell at him for it, but now especially as a doctor, Will knows it wasn’t in his control. He was always anxious and quiet. He would get bullied a lot in school, and started a lot of fights. 

He’s come so far and changed so much, but this little thing has still stuck with him since then. 

The trembling hands when he’s stressed or scared. 

“I won’t leave you again, brother. I promise.” The older Halstead vows, his voice wavering at the end. He feels a hand on his shoulder and turns to see Connor giving him a sad smile, indicating that it’s time for Jay to go into surgery. 

Will nods and wipes his eyes, begrudgingly letting go of Jay’s hand and placing back on the bed. Before he leaves he leans down and presses a kiss to the top of Jay’s head. 

He knows his brother isn’t a super touchy-feely person when it comes to him and their family, but Will knows he always craved the affection he didn’t get growing up. 

While they prep him for surgery, Will knows if Jay was awake he would be worrying about his friends that he came in with, so the redhead decides to go check on them himself for his brother. 

He needs a distraction anyways. 

**~~~**

“C-can’t… be worse… than Kunduz,” Jay says, each word is sandwiched between a painful breath in. At least, Mac can only imagine how painful they were. He remembered what it was like after El Noche took him. How it felt to inhale straight nitrogen.

And for Jay, it wasn’t nitrogen. It was a chemical that was currently snacking on the inside of his throat like a kid eating cotton candy. 

Jack laughs from beside him, and even Jay lets out a faint laugh. It’s almost pitiful. The laugh eventually morphs into a horrible coughing sound. It’s the kind of cough that Mac won’t be able to get out of his mind for a few days. 

Mac feels his body tense as he watches Jay. The other man curls in pain as an aggressive cough escapes his throat. The sound of blood gurgling in his throat, the way his breathing was getting worse… 

Mac shivers and he feels as Jack grips his shoulder in comfort. He’s feeling shaky and cold now, the blood loss and exhaustion returning the minute he sees Jay’s body giving way. His eyes quickly advert towards the ground. 

He feels a tickle in his own throat, the smoke he inhales from the explosion causing him to want to cough. But, he can’t, not now. Not with Jay basically falling apart. He didn’t have the right to complain. 

Mac shifts, instincts want to take over. 

He has to save Jay. 

However, Jack grabs him. Preventing him from moving off the bench as one of the paramedics steps forward. She immediately begins to check up on him, checking his breathing and vitals. Mac knows it’s not looking good, and the worst part is he can’t help. Not with Jack holding onto his shoulders. 

“O2 sats at 76%,” the male paramedic tells the female. “Nail beds and lips are turning blue, we might need to intubate.” 

Once again Mac’s stomach turns, though he isn’t sure if it has to do with Jay, or his own condition. He’s feeling feverish and near passing out his body aching as his eyes return to his leg. 

He can’t look at Jay. 

He can’t look at him without the heavy amount of guilt filling into him. 

His eyes feel watery but he quickly blinks them away. Not wanting anyone to see. Especially not Jack, if Jack noticed he would leave Chicago and force Mac to take another few weeks off. Or he would become fixated on finding Mason, the same way he had with Kovak. 

He could imagine Jack leaving again. Focused on hunting down the dangerous man. Leaving Mac alone again. 

“We can’t intubate until the blood is out of his lungs.” 

How much blood has filled his lungs by now? 

Mac closes his eyes and tries to estimate how much blood would be in his lungs. Based on the amount of acid he inhaled, Jay’s size and fitness he could estimate a little over a tablespoon's worth. Way too much blood. 

Mac can hear the paramedics moving around, and he glances over to see them pull out a syringe. Jack’s grip on him loosens as he focuses on the needle. 

“That does not look fun,” Jack mumbles. Mac can’t help but swallow as well. He knows Jay hates needles, always has. The paramedic knows too. Mac can hear her convincing Jay to trust her and to let her do it. Telling him it’s the only thing that will help the drowning feeling.

Mac cringes as he watches the needle pierce Jay’s chest. He watches as the blood is carefully removed from his chest, and Mac had been right. Over a tablespoon of blood had filled his lungs. “I’m gonna be sick,” Jack mutters. “My gosh that’s disgusting,” he adds. Mac elbows Jack the best he can, hinting to him to keep quiet. The last thing Jay needs right now was for Jack to be squeamish. 

“You’ve seen worse,” Mac reminds him, still leaning against the older man. 

“Yeah but it’s usually you handling the saving people and I’m off ya know, shooting the bad guy,” Jack mutters in response. 

Mac doesn’t respond, too tired to carry on a conversation, too distracted by the noise. The sound of Jay labored and heavy breathing. The sirens from the ambulance. The sounds of traffic. The faint ringing from the explosion. The low whispers of the paramedics. Jack humming and muttering words to random songs. 

It was like the world's worst mixtape.

Mac watches as Jay loses consciousness once more. At this point, he thinks it’s better for Jay to be unconscious. In situations like this, the adrenaline would wear off and the only thing that would be left is fear and panic.

The worry that you are going to die. 

Mac was familiar with that feeling. 

The helplessness, the fear, the feeling of losing control. 

The moment when you go from being the one who helps everyone, to the one in desperate need of help...

...of comfort. 

Mac shudders a bit. The blood loss was getting to him. The initial shock was over, and now, his body was beginning to react. Even without being hooked up to a monitor he knows his heart rate has increased. 

He feels weak, if he had to stand up right now, he didn’t think his body would be able to support its own weight. On top of that he felt cold and clammy. His body shivered a bit and he tried to find something - anything - to focus on. 

“Hey man, you alright,” Jack mutters. His grip on Mac’s shoulders returns as he notices the drop in behavior. 

Mac nods a bit. “Yeah,” he says slowly, shivering once more. He knows Jack doesn’t buy it, the guy isn’t that stupid, as much as Mac jokes. Jack is more observant than that, maybe not with the world, but with Mac- he notices things. 

“Well, here,” he says. Jack removes the jacket he was wearing and wraps it around Mac’s shoulders. “You don’t get to pass out on me alright,” Jack adds. Mac can hear the worry in his voice. 

“I won’t,” Mac promises. Despite it being good that Jay passed out, it wouldn’t be good for Mac. Jay’s body needed as much rest as it could, Mac was slowly losing blood, and if enough left, well… there may not be enough to restart his heart. 

Jack nods as he holds onto Mac, both mens eyes focusing on Jay who is laying across from them. 

“After this, we’re getting drinks,” Jack jokes. 

“You’re buying,” Mac mumbles. He feels a small bump in the road, though he isn’t irked around much, not with how tightly Jack is holding onto him. Eventually, the vehicle slows down until it’s come to a complete stop. 

The back of the doors open and a med team steps up, removing the unconscious Jay from the vehicle before turning their attention towards Mac.

Jack stands before helping Mac stand, forcing the younger man to lean on him, keeping his injured leg as free from pressure as possible. Once out of the ambulance, Mac is forced to sit down in a wheelchair as they bring him into the hospital. 

“We have to get him into a CT scan,” one of the nurses says as she stops Jack from following after them.

“Get out of my way I’m going with him. That’s my partner,” Jack argues. 

“Jack,” Mac says slowly, he nods at him a bit. “Call Riley, let the team know I’m okay. It’s just a CT scan,” he adds. He hopes Jack doesn’t argue because he’s way too tired to deal with the other man's protective nature. 

Jack let’s out a curse word but nods. “Don’t let anything happen to him,” he threatens. The nurse nods before taking Mac to get his CT scan. 

oOo 

The loud bang causes Riley’s body to jerk slightly as the call cuts out. 

“Mac,” she mutters. 

The entire world seems to freeze as she waits for a reply, a reply she knows isn’t coming. 

“Mac, can- can you hear me-” 

Her voice is wavering as she waits once more. 

“Dang it, Angus, just say something,” she shouts into the dead line. Her raised voice causes Desi, Matty, Russ, and Bozer to look over at her. 

It’s then that realization hit. 

_ ‘There was a second bomb.’  _

Suddenly, the world goes dark. 

Her chest hurts, it feels like someone shoved a knife into her lungs. 

A strangled cry escapes her lips as her legs begin to tremble. Tears filling her eyes as her breathing becomes erratic. 

“Riley?” 

She hears her name… but she can’t process it. She can’t focus on anything except one recurring thought. A thought that seems to scream in her mind. It’s loud and cruel. It’s everything she doesn’t want to think. 

_ Angus Macgyver is dead.  _

A hand touches the back of her shoulder, and suddenly her knees give out. She falls into the embrace of a familiar man. Bozer. There’s a confusion in his eyes as he watches her fall apart. 

Gosh how can she be so selfish. 

Bozer was Mac’s best friend. She should be comforting him. 

She goes to speak. To compose herself and tell Bozer the line went dead. Reassure him that they would hear from Jack and Mac any moment now. Lines going dead wasn’t uncommon. But she can’t. She can’t bring herself to be strong. Not without  _ him _ . 

“There-” the words get caught in her throat as she tries so desperately to speak. 

“There was a- a second bomb,” she tells him. 

She can hear a small sob come from Matty, and from the corner of her eye she watches Russ covering his mouth. The sound of Desi’s glass shattering against the floor. All of it is how she would react. How she did react. 

Who was she without Mac? He helped her believe in the world again and now he was just- 

Gone. 

She breaks down once more. Hiding her face in Bozer’s chest as his arms slowly wrapped around her. 

He was too numb. Too numb to react to the news. 

She doesn’t know how long she's been sobbing, all she knows is Matty cleared the room, and Bozer has been whispering it’s okay until his voice is strained and sounds dry and scratchy. Not to mention the fact that she is out of tears. Her head is pounding as she slowly sits up and Bozer wipes the tears from her eyes. She can see the realization has hit him, but he’s trying to hold it together. 

It then dawns on her if he prepared years ago to hear about his friend getting blown up. She wonders if he sat there for months at a time wondering if a soldier would show up at his door and tell him Mac had been killed in action. 

War was terrifying enough, but when your friend goes in to handle bombs- what kind of mental preparation did you have to go through when you said goodbye? 

Matty hands her a glass of water and Russ helps her to her feet, before guiding her to one of the chairs in the office. 

“Try and breathe okay,” Desi tells her. 

Riley wants to strangle her. Yell at her about how she didn’t deserve to look as sad as she did. That she didn’t deserve to be there. And she would have under normal circumstances, but she knew Mac wouldn’t want her to. 

And the last thing she wanted to do was make a decision she would regret. Mac got her out of prison, he gave her a second chance, and she wouldn't let him down. Especially not now. 

The only thing that refocuses her is the sound of her phone ringing. 

Desi picks it up and swallows. “Unknown number,” she says slowly. Immediately Riley wonders if that’s his friend. The man he went to help. Maybe he was the one who chose to make the call. Desi goes to answer when Riley sntaches her phone from her. Giving her a look before slowly answering the phone and putting it on speaker. 

“Hello,” she says slowly. 

“Hey, kid,” Jack says from the other end of the line. His voice sounds exhausted and heavy… and it brings back the tears. 

“Jack, tell me this isn’t the call,” Riley sobs. “I heard the explosion I-” 

“What in the world makes you think a bomb could take out Angus Macgyver,” Jack responds. 

Riley feels her breath catch in her throat. Her muscles relaxed as she looked around at the others. Shock and relief written all over her features. 

“Don’t get me wrong, he’s banged up pretty good but he’s alright. He’s with some nurses right now but this whole thing is bigger than we thought, so why don’t you get the team and come down here,” he says. 

There’s a slight pause before Jack speaks again. “Are you alone,” he asks. It’s an odd question but Matty gets the message and gestures for Desi and Russ to leave. Neither protest and walk from the room. 

“It’s just me, Boze, and Matty,” she says. Wiping some of the stray tears from her face. 

“Listen, Mac he’s-” Jack pauses on the other end of the phone. “He needs us,” Jack says slowly. “I have never seen Mac panic when defusing a bomb, and he froze up, big time. I can see it in his face that he’s not okay, and he won’t want to leave Chicago until he gets Mason.”

Riley nods a bit as Matty pulls out her phone to request a Phoenix jet. However, before anyone says anything Jack speaks again, “I see them now, I gotta go.” With that, he hands up the call. 

“Well guys, get a bag ready, we’re going to Chicago,” Matty says. 

oOo 

“I see them now, I gotta go,” Jack says as he hangs up the phone and hands it back to one of the hospital staff. Mac looks up at him, wondering why he cut the call short so fast, but he didn’t get into it. 

“The good news is, he shouldn’t need surgery,” the nurse tells Jack. “We have a doctor on his way over now and he should be able to remove the shard. He’ll be fine,” she tells Jack. Who breaths out a sigh of relief as he looks back at Mac. 

“Told you,” Mac says slowly, smirking faintly at the other man as the nurse helps him sit into one of the beds in the emergency room. She hooks him up to an IV before stepping away and leaving the two alone. 

“I called the team, they’re flying out to help us find Mason,” Jack says as he pulls up a chair, taking a seat next to Mac. Mac nods a bit as he looks down, the guilt from the explosion building up in his mind. 

“I’m…” Mac trails off a bit. “I should have noticed. The trap, the second bomb, I should have-” 

“No,” Jack says. “This is on Mason, remember. Jay is gonna be fine,” he adds. Mac swallows before taking a deep breath in. He still feels clammy and shaky, but the jitters slowly disappear thanks to the pain meds that are hooked up to his arm. 

Mac looks up as he watches a familiar man walking up to them. Will Halstead. 

Mac and Jack had met Jay’s older brother once before at a Halstead family barbeque after they returned from a tour. Though he tried not to think about that barbeque too much.

“Will,” Jack says with a faint nod as he approaches. 

“How’s Jay,” Mac adds. He takes a deep breath, knowing Will likely doesn’t know, but still, the reassurance from an actual doctor would be nice right about now. He just needed some comfort and information about the other man's status. 

He needed him to be okay. 

**_~~~_ **

“Hey Maggie, where are the guys that came in with Jay?” 

“Trauma 2,” she tells Will, pointing towards the room, not even looking up from her tablet. 

“Thaaaank you, “ he says in a singsong voice and she rolls her eyes at him before smiling softly and returning to her work. He walks around the desk towards the room she pointed out before she stops him. 

“Hey… How’s he doing?” She asks softly, and he stops at the desk, looking at the floor he blows out a heavy breath. He knows that she has a soft spot for the younger Halstead. 

Never afraid to bring up ‘his pretty boy good looks’ or ‘those gorgeous green eyes of his’ or ‘cute little freckles’, the complimentary observations that always make Will scoff jokingly. 

On the outside he pretends to be offended, but on the inside he knows that Jay deserves the positive attention. The younger Halstead has been insecure about his looks ever since he was a teen. 

Something changed when they were in high school and he suddenly got self conscious of it, started eating less and wearing thicker clothes even when it was warm out. Even got insecure about the freckles that smattered his face. 

Will just assumes it was because of bullies. A lot of the snobbier kids would pick on him for being lower class, and how quiet and harsh he seemed. A few even called him a ‘teacher’s pet’, to which Jay would usually lash out and attack them, but that didn’t make sense to Will considering Jay’s average at best grades. Sure he was pretty much a straight A student, but it wasn’t like they were all A+, or even that Jay cared about his academics to that level. Looking back now though… he realizes he never really asked. 

Never even tried to help him because he was so busy in his senior classes. 

Jay’s grades had started dipping despite being normally getting all A’s, his attendance went to crap and he was flunking biology— he only remembers which subject because it was one of Will’s favorites as a kid. He had once offered to help Jay study for it, but his brother turned him down so hard he’s surprise he didn’t have whiplash. 

Will just told him ‘fine whatever’ and scoffed at the younger teen’s stubborn unwillingness to accept help. 

He knew even less of what was going on after he had started going to college. Then before he knew it, Jay was off overseas killing terrorists and getting shot at, while Will was cramming for tests and complaining about the campus coffee. 

He wasn’t a very good brother. He’ll admit that. He was barely ever around for Jay once he started hanging out with his friends in high school. 

Jay didn’t really have any friends, so would try and be with them when he had them over, but being annoyed with his brother always hanging around, he would yell at him to leave. 

Once you get to a certain age as a teenager, it doesn’t feel cool to hang out with your twelve-year-old little brother any more. 

A lot of times Jay would just sit quietly and watch them from a safe distance, trying not to be noticed to bother them. The look on Jay’s face when he would yell at him to leave them alone…. 

Thinking back on it makes Will’s heart hurt. 

It’s something he’s always regretted. Something he’s trying to make up for, by being around more. Being there when he’s hurt like he is now. 

He looks up at Maggie after a second or two. 

“He’s hanging in there. His lungs don’t look great but they’re taking him in for surgery now, and Connor is optimistic they can easily repair the damage.” 

She looks sad but hopeful, and rests her hand on Will’s that’s resting on the desk. 

“He’s Jay, he’s not going down that easy.” She reassures him, “Besides, he’s too cute to die.” She winks at him and he rolls his eyes before heading back towards the trauma room where Dalton and MacGyver are. 

He hasn’t seen them since the July 4th barbecue they had at his dad’s house. That was quite the disaster, but one thing he realized afterwards was how much the two men seemed to care for his brother. 

The doctor pulls the curtain aside to step in, and sees the two men sitting inside looking exhausted. MacGyver was sitting on the gurney with one laying straight on the bed and the other hanging off the side. 

The leg up on the bed has a shard of metal sticking out of his thigh. It looks wicked. 

Jack is sitting in the chair next to the bed, nodding to acknowledge Will’s entrance. “Will,” he greets, and Will gives a small smile back, grabbing MacGyver’s chart and skimming over it. 

Mac looks only slightly surprised to see him here before getting straight to the point. 

“How’s Jay?” The blond asks quickly, eyes wide and inquiring. 

Wow he really did not wait a beat on that one. Although Will supposes he would feel the same way if it was him in this situation. 

“He’s being taken up for surgery right now. They should be able to repair the damage if all goes well,” he explains. “But with that aside, let’s take care of you for the time being. Jay would hate for us to be sitting around talking about him when you could be focusing on getting better.” 

“Yeah good luck with that one,” Jack chimes in, grumbling under his breath. 

_ Ah, so it seems Mac is just as stubborn as Jay in that department.  _

Will smiles and slips some nitrile gloves on while glancing at the IV to make sure he’s been given pain medication. 

“Well, let’s see what we have here,” he muses as he pulls a rolling stool over to sit on, giving him a better angle. He unwraps the bandages stabilizing the piece of metal, being careful not to jar it. He does not want to nick the femoral artery. Thankfully according to his CT scans it’s still intact, but he would like to keep it that way. 

Will grabs a filled syringe from a tray, injecting the area around the metal with a local anesthetic. Then he pushes himself using the bed and rolls to the curtain, peering out into the hall. 

“April-” he calls out, and she looks up from the desk before coming to the room at his summons. “Help me out with this will you?” He requests. 

She agrees with no problem, stepping into the room. Mac looks a little anxious at the procedure they’re about to do, body tense with apprehension. 

“I need you to keep pressure down on the skin on either side of the metal while I slide it out,” he guides and she follows his instruction. MacGyver winces as she adds pressure, and Jack sits up a little in his seat to see what they’re doing. 

“Hey hey- be careful now,” Jack warns. And Will just sends him a look before continuing. 

He grabs onto the piece of debris and slowly starts pulling it out, being very careful to make sure it remains straight the entire time. The blond is huffing out quick breaths, rather than making an actual noise, and Will internally rolls his eyes fondly at the younger man’s attempts to stay quiet. 

Will knows the type. 

He remembers all the times Jay would get hurt as a kid and Will wouldn’t find out until days later when his injury got worse because he hadn’t told anyone or done anything about it. Maybe that’s one of the things that made Will want to be a doctor. 

He was always patching up his reckless little brother’s injuries because they couldn’t afford a hospital visit. He never understood how Jay always got hurt all the time. It still strikes him as odd to this day, but he pushes it down. 

That was probably just from bullies too. From the fights he frequently got into, and the crazy stunts he would pull. Jay was an energetic kid when he really got going. 

He was quiet around others, and around their dad, but when it was just him and Will, he really came out of his shell. 

He was a little smart a*s too, but that much hasn’t changed. 

The doctor slides the metal all the way out with a yank that has Mac grunting, and April adjusts to put full pressure on the wound. The kid is breathing heavily through gritted teeth, gripping the bed sheet tightly, just like Jay had been doing not twenty minutes ago. 

Worry pangs inside him again for his little brother. His lungs seemed to be deteriorating for a while before they got to the hospital… What if it’s catastrophic? What if this is the thing that finally takes him out? 

He shakes his head lightly to dislodge the thoughts. He needs to be objective so he can work properly, not stuck in his head worrying about Jay. He literally just told them a similar thing five minutes ago. 

Only a small amount of blood seeps from the wound, meaning he succeeded in not hitting any major veins. 

Jack makes a gagging sound from across the room at the sight of the wound. 

Will smiles for a second, and remembers Jay mentioning how squeamish Jack was with this kind of stuff. 

He’s thankful that the nurses already got the kit ready for him to stitch, just having to turn a little to grab it off the swiveling tray. 

The morphine and anesthetic should be fully kicking in now, making the sewing process almost painless. 

He pinches the edges of the wounds together before sticking the needle in the numbed skin and creating the first stitch. He glances quickly at the others now and then while making the first few, before not being able to hold himself back any longer. 

He doesn’t know how any of this happened. He hasn’t seen these two in years, and from what he knew, neither has Jay. He thought after Jay’s last health scare when he got shot a few weeks ago would be the last for a while. 

He’s getting sick of thinking he might lose his brother every month. 

Jay would’ve just gotten off light duty very recently due to his chest and shoulder still healing, so  _ what the hell happened?  _

“So what exactly happened, because I’m in the dark here… My brother comes in coughing up blood with shredded lungs, and you look like you got put through a meat grinder, but no one’s told me anything,” he explains. “As far as I knew, you guys were out in California, and Jay had just gotten back to work from medical leave not two weeks ago, so what did I miss?” 

**~~~**

Mac watches as Will looks over at him before he takes a deep breath in. Mac knows he would rather not think of his brother dying, he has a job. Mac understands that feeling. You focus on the job, put emotions in a small box in his mind, and you deal with them later. 

Sure, they sometimes gather up until the box can’t hold all the emotions and you spiral, but that’s just life. 

“He’s being taken up for surgery right now. They should be able to repair the damage if all goes well,” Will answers. Of course Mac knows that it’s hardly a reassuring statement, there were plenty of other complications that could go into the surgery. 

But, it was the best reassurance that Will could give him. And considering it was the only information he would be getting for who knows how long, he had to take it as face value. 

“But with that aside,” Will continued. “Let’s take care of you for the time being. Jay would hate for us to be sitting around talking about him when you could be focusing on getting better.” 

Mac cringes on the inside. 

He didn’t want to focus on himself. 

It was his hyperfixation on his own emotional issues that led him to missing the canister. That caused him to miss the fact that there was a second bomb. It was mistake after mistake building up. 

He hated worrying about himself. It never did him any good. 

In fact, it only ever caused him harm. 

He had told Riley once about how he managed dangerous missions. He focused on the people who were with him. It was easier to give up when he was the only victim. It was easier to stop trying when there was nothing important to lose. 

“Yeah good luck with that one,” Jack says under his breath. The older man knew about Mac’s tendencies, but that didn’t mean Will needed to know. If he wasn't so tired he would have smacked Jack. 

The last thing he needs is for Will to suspect Mac’s lack of care for himself. He didn’t need Will’s worry about his brother to turn into worry about Mac’s physical health. He didn’t need for Will to project his worry about his brother into Mac. He could already picture a full body workup. 

He could picture Jack refusing to leave, and within minutes seeing him without three layers of shirts, he would know he lost weight. He would easily be able to tell that Mac hadn’t been eating, at least not decently.

Will thankfully doesn't react, aside from a small shake of the head. Instead he smiles and grabs some gloves. Checking on the IV and pain medicine dosage to make sure he had been given something. 

“Well, let’s see what we have here,” Will says as he sits down and slides over to Mac. He immediately begins to look at the wraps that are holding the metal in place. Mac nods, not feeling like responding much. 

His thoughts are a mess. 

Over and over his mind replays the events that had transpired. Walking himself through every single decision he had made since stepping off the plane, trying to remember any bit of evidence that could give him a clue as to what Mason used. 

The only thing in his mind that comes back is watching the blood pour from Jay’s nose and the red and orange hues from the blast. Both of which are utterly useless. 

Mac feels Will begin to unwrap his leg and presses his eyes shut. It feels tender and exposed without the bandages, and it hurts. Some of the blood from his leg had begun to dry, but there was still plenty of blood surrounding and staining his skin. 

Mac can’t help but make short eye contact with Jack. He’s not squeamish but the sight of his own blood reminds him just how injured he actually was. Jack gives him a faint nod and reassuring smile as he leans into his chair a bit. 

The gesture is enough to calm down Mac’s racing heart. 

Will injects something into his legs which hurts, but it’s nothing he hasn’t felt before. After that he calls a nurse into the room to help out. Mac recognizes her when she enters the room as the nurse who took him to get a CT scan on his leg. 

The closer she gets, the more nervous Mac gets. He didn’t have a problem with doctors, he just preferred to be unconscious when they removed painful foreign objects from his body. It was a personal goal of his. 

“I need you to keep pressure down on the skin on either side of the metal while I slide it out,” Will instructs her. The moment her hands press down on his leg he winces. He usually has a higher pain tolerance than this but the fatigue was only making things worse. 

Or maybe it was a combination of the fatigue, weight loss, and overall unhealthy aspects of him. 

Jack sits up in his seat and Mac watches as the other man looks over April and Will's shoulders. He’s immediately sceptical of what they are doing to Mac. The worry and aggravation written on Jack’s face. 

“Hey hey- be careful now,” Jack warns. Mac is half tempted to stay silent, see what Jack would do if left unchecked, but he doubts Will wants to deal with him. 

Mac lets out a small sigh before looking at Jack, “I’m fiNe.” 

It’s a small reassurance but enough to make Jack content. The older man slowly lowers himself back into the seat and lets his shoulders slump a bit. Jack would never admit it, but the exhaustion and worry is getting to him. 

Now one else would really be able to notice it, but Mac knew Jack. He had been his partner since he was 19 years old. Jack had had his back for all these years, and Mac had Jack’s back for just as long. 

They saved each other. 

They also knew each other better than anyone else. 

Which also made Mac feel guilty. He wasn’t sure how to bring up his mild hallucinations. I mean how do you even break that news to someone? 

There was no easy way to admit it to yourself, let alone someone else. 

Mac’s attention is pulled back to his leg as Will slowly begins to remove the metal. Mac pressed his lips together and huffs out a breath. He can’t bring himself to scream in pain. He didn’t know how many other patients were here. 

Besides, he was certain if he screamed Jack would deck Will in the throat. 

Finally, Will yanks the metal from his leg and Mac grunts a bit. The only thing keeping him from letting out a small scream of pain is his hands gripping onto the hospital bed beneath him. It’s turning his knuckles white. He wants to pass out.

Jack’s hand rubs his shoulder, giving it a small squeeze and Mac breaths back the pain. He feels shaky and out of breath - probably because he’s breathing rapidly. He gets hit with another wave of dizziness. 

Gosh he really wants to pass out. 

But he doesn’t want Jack to worry. 

Besides, he couldn’t relax until he knew if Jay was okay. 

Jack gags a bit as Will begins to work on the stitches. Of course, the pain meds are kicking in now and Mac can barely feel a thing. It’s more like someone is gently poking his skin with a mechanical pencil. 

Will gets about halfway through before he exhales. “So what exactly happened, because I’m in the dark here… My brother comes in coughing up blood with shredded lungs, and you look like you got put through a meat grinder, but no one’s told me anything. As far as I knew, you guys were out in California, and Jay had just gotten back to work from medical leave not two weeks ago, so what did I miss?”

April glances at the two of them as Mac and Jack both exchange glances. Jack straightens his shoulders a bit before looking over at April. “Could you get a washcloth and maybe something for Mac and I to drink,” he asks. 

Aprils nods, getting Jack’s subtle hint to leave the room, “of course,” she says. She looks at Will, who nods. Letting her know he can handle the stitches by himself. 

Once she’s out of the room Mac and Jack exchange glances once more. Before Mac speaks up, “It’s a complicated situation, and I’m not sure how much information we’re allowed to share, since it is an ongoing-” 

“He’s asking what happened to his brother, man, not an autobiography,” Jack mutters, interrupting Mac. 

Mac can’t help but grunt a bit and shake his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. Jack’s right. He just needed the basics of the information, just enough to fill in the gaps. Mac gestures to Jack to continue. 

“I got a call from Jay almost 10 hours ago, they were tracking a bomber, his partner got trapped in a tricky bomb and so he called me, cause ya know, I was still in touch with Macgyver here,” Jack says. 

Mac bites his lip as Will makes another stitch in his leg, and Jack visibly cringes. 

“Jay wanted my help because of my experience with bombs,” Mac adds slowly. He swallowed deeply as he looked down. “The bomb was complicated, like Jack said. Multiple traps set up in place, like a canister of toxic chemicals meant to kill whoever tried to get into the room,”he tells Will. 

He feels the guilt rising in his chest again. 

The regret of failing Jay. 

“I didn’t see the trap but Jay did, he covered me, which is when he inhales the toxin” Mac adds. 

“Now, In Mac’s defense I don’t think anyone but Jay would have noticed,” Jack cuts in. Immediately making sure Will doesn’t look down on Macgyver. It wasn’t his first time behaving this way. 

In the army, and even working with the government, whenever Jack would introduce Mac to anyone he would boast, or praise Mac. Telling them ‘the kid knows what he’s doing’ and ‘trust the kid.’ 

He was always more proud of Mac than he should have been. 

The first time he met Jay and his team they were very doubtful of his abilities. 

_ “No, Dalton,” Rev says. His arms across his chest as he stared at Jack, who didn’t seem to budge. “I asked for you, and a qualified EOD to join my team on this mission” he adds.  _

_ Jack wasn’t really the kind of guy who backed down, especially with someone of equal rank as him. Even with superiors, Jack was never intimidated. It’s why Mac wanted him watching his back. It’s why Mac trusted him. _

_ “Yeah and I brought you the best EOD I know” Jack answers. Taking a step forward towards Rev. The two are only a few inches from each other's faces by now, and Mac is silently cringing. Last thing he needs is for there to be a fist fight.  _

_ It’d be Mac and Jack against a rangers unit.  _

_ Sure, they stood a chance, but it wasn’t ideal.  _

_ Respect was something you had to earn in the military, and it was hard to do when your skillset was unbelievable and you had the face of a 12 year old.  _

_ “I’m not letting anyone who still has ‘teen’ in his age join this mission,” Rev. “I’ll get another EOD, but get ready” he begins. The man turns away from Jack who stops him as he grabs his arm.  _

_ Mac sighs and looks around the room. Trying to figure out what he can use in case things go bad.  _

_ “If you want my skills, you’re gonna have to let him on the mission,” Jack says. Gesturing over to Mac, who took a deep breath. It was hard to act confident when everyone was looking at you like you were a kid.  _

_ “Jack,” a man Mac remembers was named Jay says, stepping forward.  _

_ “No I mean it,” Jack tells Jay. “There is no one else in this world I want watching my back more than Macgyver,” he tells him.  _

_ Mac feels the same way.  _

_ There’s no one more qualified to watch his back than Jack Dalton.  _

_ “So if I’m going with you, he’s got my six. He’s the only reason I am alive to join this mission,” Jack states.  _

_ Mac knows what he means. They two had probably saved each other’s life an equal amount of times by this point. And from the looks of it, the pattern would continue for who knows how long.  _

_ “He doesn’t even have a gun,” Jay says, his voice lowering a bit.  _

_ “I don’t need one,” Mac cuts in. This causes the unit to look over at him. He swallows a bit before walking over to Jack. “You need a qualified EOD and someone with Jack’s skills, we’re your best bet. And I get you don’t think I can handle it but… I don’t care.”  _

_ “Excuse me,” Rev says, turning towards Mac.  _

_ “I don’t care if you don’t think I can handle it, because I know I can. And right now there are women and children who are in danger, and you’re holding up the mission because I look like I can’t handle it,” Mac tells him.  _

_ “You’re worried, I get it. But I know what I’m doing or I wouldn’t be here,” he adds.  _

_ “Didn’t your last C.O. die,” Simmons asks.  _

_ The reminder of Peña is like a stab in the heart, it’s still a raw topic for him, but he doesn’t let it show on his face. Jack immediately senses Mac’s discomfort, however.  _

_ “Watch it,” Jack demands. He takes a step closer to Simmons, getting in his face as Mac exhales.  _

_ “I’m sorry no, I’m not going on a mission with some random kid because Dalton wants to play dad,” Simmons says. His gaze moving towards Jay.  _

_ “Jack, let it go,” Mac says quietly. “They have a right not to trust me,” he reminds. Jack steps back from Simmons before Mac looks over at Jay, “but either Jack and I go in with your unit, or we go alone. But I’m not letting those people get killed.” _

_ Jay stares at him for a moment. Mac can’t determine if he’s sizing him up or trying to find any flaws or benefits to having him there.  _

_ “Alright,” Jay says finally. “But Jack, you’re in charge of watching his back. And if the mission goes south because of him, that’s on you.”  _

_ “Yeah and if he saves the day when things inevitable go south, you owe him an apology,” Jack tells the group before looking over at Mac, smiling a bit. Mac smiles back and nods at the older man before shouldering his backpack.  _

_ “So, are we ready to go?”  _

“Your brother took in a pretty big whiff of the stuff, we got him here as soon as we could,” Jack’s recount of the recent event brings Mac back to the present. 

Mac looks down a bit and swallows. 

“I got the bomb but turns out there was a second one,” Mac adds. “Hence the-” he points down at his leg. “I’d have died if it wasn’t for your brother,” Mac adds slowly. 

He knows it’s not too much of a comfort, saying ‘hey I know your family is dying right now but at least they’re a decent person’ didn’t change the fact that Jay was still in the hospital. 

_ Because of Mac.  _

But, if anything did happen to Jay, he wants his brother to know the kind of person he was. 

He doesn’t know what the brother’s relationship is now, but back when he first met Will… It wasn’t the ideal situation. 

He needs to know someone in Jay’s family was proud of him. 

April walks back into the room and hands a cold and wet cloth to Jack before handing Mac a glass of water. He takes a drink, letting Will get back to the stitches. He hadn’t realized how thirsty he had been till then. 

Once the water is empty Jack takes it from him and stands up. Without asking, Jack presses the washcloth to Mac’s face and begins to wipe the dirt up. 

“Jack,” Mac mutters, trying to push him away. 

“You look like a wreck, man. If Matty gets here and sees how rough you look, that will not be a fun conversation for me to have,” Jack tells him. But Mac knows that’s not what it is. It was Jack not wanting to see Mac covered in dirt and blood. 

“You are not giving me a sponge bath Dalton, stop,” Mac says. 

“Hey, out of everyone you know who would you trust to give you a sponge bath more?” Jack asks. 

“Bozer, one hundred percent” 

Jack rolls his eyes before wiping some more of the dirt from Mac’s face as Will ties off the stitches. Despite not wanting to admit it, having the dirt and grime wiped up, at least a bit more, he feels better. 

Exhausted, but better. 

Mac can feel his eyelids getting heavy, and small details from the day are blurring. It’s getting harder to look at his doctor, who looks more like a blob than a person. 

“Hey, man,” Jack says. His voice is low and more gentle than usual. It’s his ‘ _ let me take care of you’ _ voice. “Why don’t you get some rest okay,” he says. 

Mac wants to protest, but he can’t. 

Jack is right. (I know, a shocker) 

He’s exhausted, and keeping up a conversation is too much at the moment. 

Jack stands and helps him pull off the leather jacket, which wasn’t exactly comfortable. “I’ll hold onto this,” he tells him before looking at Will. “And Mac will be all good, right,” he asks. 

Mac isn’t able to focus long enough to hear what Will’s response is. 

But then again, does it really matter? 

As long as Jay was okay, and anyone who was near the explosion wasn’t hurt… it didn’t matter what happened to Angus Macgyver. 

~~~ 

After Will had asked the question and Jack had asked April to get some water, he gets both of them trying to answer, talking over each other. Will pauses his stitching and waits for them to shut up and figure out how to talk. 

Mac seems to be just as irritated with the overlapping words and just stops to let Jack explain. 

“I got a call from Jay almost 10 hours ago, they were tracking a bomber, his partner got trapped in a tricky bomb and so he called me, cause ya know, I was still in touch with Macgyver here,” Jack explains, gesturing to the younger man. 

A bomb? He’s seen stuff on the news about the bombings, treated some of the victims, but he didn’t know Jay was specifically working the case. As far as he knew, Jay was supposed to be on light duty still. 

“Jay wanted my help because of my experience with bombs,” Mac cuts in. Will remembers that was Mac’s thing. He was a bomb tech overseas, probably disarmed a lot of bombs that could’ve killed Jay. “The bomb was complicated, like Jack said. Multiple traps set up in place, like a canister of toxic chemicals meant to kill whoever tried to get into the room.” 

MacGyver’s expression turns to something akin to guilt, and he pauses to take a breath. 

“I didn’t see the trap but Jay did, he covered me, which is when he inhaled the toxin.” 

The doctor frowns. He inhaled chemicals? That could’ve killed him instantly! His brother is such a reckless protective  _ idiot.  _

Jack seems to perk up protectively as well. “Now, In Mac’s defense I don’t think anyone but Jay would have noticed,” he adds, and Will can’t help but agree. 

Jay’s always been hypervigilant. Always searching for danger, searching for possible exits or ways to protect and create the perfect defense. At first he thinks it’s just from the military, but now that he thinks about it, Jay’s always been that way. 

A bit skittish and anxious about potential dangers. He hides it a lot better now. Keeping it locked behind his cynical cop persona. 

But Will knows. He’s seen the anxiety that can overwhelm his little brother when he feels unsafe. He keeps up the facade well, but Will can always see it. 

“Your brother took in a pretty big whiff of the stuff, we got him here as soon as we could,” Jack recounts, leaning back in his chair. 

“I got the bomb but turns out there was a second one, hence the...” Mac trails off, gesturing at his leg. “I’d have died if it wasn’t for your brother.” 

Will stops sewing and looks up. Pride swells within him for his brother. The man has saved so many lives, Will couldn’t even begin to count. He himself has come close a few times if not for Jay. 

After April comes back and gives them their items, Jack starts cleaning up some of the dirt from MacGyver’s face, and Will takes that time to go over some of the blond’s chart with the nurse. 

He’s a bit dehydrated but that should be all settled now that he has an IV in and just drank that glass of water. Signs of continuous low glucose levels… the kid is a wreck. 

“Maybe administer a milligram of Lorazepam just to help him rest better,” the doctor orders quietly, “He’s showing clear signs of exhaustion. Like, the longer running kind.” 

She nods going over to the dispenser where his IV is attached and adjusting the settings. 

“Why don’t you get some rest okay,” Will hears Jack suggest softly and Mac seems to agree tiredly, not even noticing April administering the dose of benzos. 

Jack helps Mac out of his jacket and puts it next to him on the chair before looking up at Will and asks, “And Mac will be all good, right?” 

“Yeah I didn’t find anything else concerning on his scans, he’s got fluids and antibiotics in him to make sure nothing gets infected, and there’s no sign of head injury so he’s all good to get some shut-eye.” 

Jack breathes a sigh of relief and scrubs a hand down his face, sitting back down in the chair. 

“That’s great news. Thanks, Doc.” 

“It’s my pleasure. Jay would kill me if I let anything happen to you guys,” Will laughs, “He still talks about you guys now and then, and that’s very out of character for him. He barely ever talks about his time overseas so I can tell he really admires you.” 

Jack seems to smile fondly, looking at his fiddling hands as if caught in a good memory. 

“Yeah well, he made a bit of an impression on us too. Shame we lost touch for so long. I missed the kid,” Jack admits somberly. “I know Mac would benefit from the company too.” 

Will can hear the care and concern in his voice for the younger man in the hospital bed. They seem to have been through hell together. Will is almost envious of their bond. 

Is this what him and Jay could’ve been like if he had tried more? If he had been there for Jay through thick and thin? The regret creeps back in again. Will knows Jay had Mouse for a while after his second tour, but the other man was going through so much trouble, he knows Jay pushed away his own issues for the guy.

Jay may have dragged Mouse home, but at some point Jay stuffed down his own issues and decided to be the one who kept Mouse afloat. 

“If I’m being honest… I’m glad he called you guys in whether for the bombs or not. He’s… he hasn’t been doing great these past couple years. Quite a lot’s happened to him in a relatively small amount of time and he’s not been dealing well.” Will explains. 

Jay would also probably kill him if he found out he was saying something, but Will is desperate. It’s not easy watching your brother slowly fall apart in front of your eyes. Jack seems to know a lot about that, judging by the state of his sleeping partner. 

“He hasn’t really talked to anyone about it to anyone as far as I know, although I’ll admit I’m the last person to ask about what Jay’s been doing, I just know you guys used to be close and… you have a bit more knowledge on the subject, seeing as you guys served together.” 

Jack nods darkly, seeming to understand his meaning. A sad consequence of offering up your life to serve the country, is all the trauma that comes with it if you manage to make it back. 

Will wasn’t there for Jay when he got back either time, but he wishes he would’ve at least helped after the second. He barely knows anything about what happened or how he was doing, besides bad and  _ worse.  _

He only knows the small bits Mouse had told him, and things Jay lets slip when he has several drinks under his belt— something that’s happening more and more frequently. 

Like one time he was hammered and was telling a ‘funny’ story involving a sixty-year-old man and some stolen rubber bands, from when he was admitted to the psych ward at med that ‘Mouse forced his a** into’. 

This was before Will worked there of course, but since he knows his brother doesn’t have any serious mental illnesses, the only reason he would be admitted to the psychiatric wing was because he was in danger of harming himself. 

Will went against protocol years later after he got the job here to check his medical records, his  _ extensive  _ medical records, and found that his suspicions of why he was admitted were correct. Mouse had brought him in because of an  _ attempt.  _

He doesn’t dare even think of the actual seven-letter word that haunts his thoughts of his brother. 

“How bad is it? Like, 2010 bad?” Jack asks, referring to Jay’s darkest period after his second tour. He didn’t even know they were around Jay during that time, but Jack seems alarmed and more serious than Will has ever really seen him.

“It’s… it’s getting there I think,” the doctor admits. “He… a lot of people he was close to have died over the past couple years and an innocent man that he put in prison got killed. Even shot a little girl on accident.”

Jack rubs his face tiredly, looking a bit more pale and saddened before blowing out an exasperated breath.

“Man that’s rough,” the Texan man sighs, leaning his elbows on his knees as he looks down at MacGyver. “Can’t say Mac’s been doin’ much better.”

“Well who knows,” Will adds before looking over at the unconscious blond. Someone who’s obviously in a similar place based on his charts. “Maybe they can help pull each other out.” 

Jack smiles softly before leaning over to brush Mac’s bangs out of his sleeping face. His expression morphs into one of concern as he seems to ponder the kid’s condition. 

“That might not be too bad an idea, Doc.” 

Will smiles with fondness at the spectacle. If MacGyver is anything like Jay, which, more and more he’s realizing just how much they have alike, then Jack really has his hands full. 

His pager goes off and he checks it, seeing a call to the nurses desk down the hall. 

“This is probably about Jay, I should go. I’ll keep you updated once I hear anything.” Will informs the man, and he nods optimistically. The doctor takes one more glance at the pair in the room before exiting through the curtain. 

He sees Nat at the nurses station, still in scrubs. She must’ve scrubbed in to help so she could keep an eye on him.

“Hey, I have news,” she starts, looking at him sympathetically. He knows what she’s probably thinking. They just lost Dad a couple months ago... Jay is his only family left. “Connor just assessed the damage and says it’s fixable. He’s taking care of the larger tears right now and then he’s gonna finish repairing any lingering damage,” she finishes with a bright smile. 

Will sighs heavily as a wave of relief washes over him, running a hand down his face. Connor can fix him. He’ll be okay. 

“Are  _ you  _ okay?” She asks after a moment, seeing how shaken he is. 

“Honestly after that news… I’ll be great.” 

She smiles again, and it sends warmth through him. She really is the light in his life. She brushes a hand lightly on his shoulder before heading back to the OR. 

He’ll be okay. He’ll be  _ fine.  _

_ Physically maybe, but what about his state of mind?  _

His brow furrows. Jay won’t be able to do any strenuous work for a while, as they rehabilitate his lungs. Sure he’ll be able to function and walk around, but it will be harder to breathe and painful. 

It’s a longer road than a shoulder shot. Will knows his brother can get caught up in his head when he doesn’t have any work to focus on. And with how his mental state already was before this… it’s not going to be easy. 

With the damage done, he probably will barely be able to talk for at least a couple days, but Jay is gonna want to get back out there and catch the guy who did this as fast as possible. 

Will just hopes he doesn’t push himself so hard that he can’t recover. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac and Jay wake up after their procedures and reflect on their past experiences with hospitals and grief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emily:  
> Welcome back y'all, it's your resident angst writers back with more pain.  
> If you watched the last ep of CPD, I'M STILL NOT OVER IT. PROBABLY NEVER WILL BE.  
> But for now, we're using this chapter post as a distraction from my anxiety about tonight's MacGyver episode where they will inevitably kill off Jack, so enjoy this to make you feel better if you watch!  
> Also even though this is set in late S7 of CPD, I still included Connor bc I miss him.
> 
> Sam:  
> I hope you enjoy the chapter!!!  
> For Macgyver fans: I'm scared for tonight's episode ahA so have angst while I cope.  
> For Chicago PD fans: SPOILERS FOR THE RECENT EP DON'T READ IF YOU HAVENT WATCHED !!!!  
> But like UPSTEAD guYs *insert crying emoji* we won  
> \----  
> TW// this chapter contains talk of grief and death of loved ones, so please read carefully if that triggers you!  
> \----

The lights of the ceiling blind Mac as he tries to open up his eyes, so he quickly shuts them. His headache from earlier is gone along with the ringing in his ear. He also feels more rested now than he had in weeks. 

Despite feeling rested, his body hurt more now than it had before he fell asleep. The adrenaline is completely out of his system. His muscles feel tight from the explosion. There's a pain in his leg, though that pain is milder than it had been earlier. 

He couldn’t help wonder how many drugs he had been pumped full to be able to level the pain or how long he had been asleep. 

It took him a moment before he had enough courage built up to open his eyes once more, turning his head to the side so he wasn’t staring directly into the ceiling. Across from him, he sees someone else asleep in bed, but his vision is still a bit fuzzy. 

It’s obvious that he’s been moved to a semi-private room, which is a relief. The last thing he needs is to have an entire emergency room staring at him as he slept. He shifts a bit more in bed before hearing the tapping of keys. 

This prompts him to shift his body the other way. The first thing he notices as he turns is Jack slumped in a hospital chair. It doesn’t look entirely comfortable, but Mac knows he has slept in some more sketchy situations. 

Jack has a thin, cheap hospital blanket over his shoulders and his head is using Mac’s jacket as a pillow. He feels partly guilty for falling asleep so quickly. He should have told Jack to check into a hotel. 

Though, he’s not sure if Jack would even do that if Mac asks. 

He shifts a bit more before spotting Riley. She’s got her feet prompted against the side of Mac’s hospital bed, using her legs as a table for her laptop. Which seems to be keeping her distracted enough to miss the fact that Mac was awake. 

Which is okay with him. 

He’s not entirely ready to talk, besides, he doesn’t want to disrupt her concentration. She has that look on her face that she gets when working. Not the urgent ‘the world is ending I have to hurry look’ but the ‘I know what I’m doing and I've got this’ expression. 

He watches as her fingers quickly tap against the keyboard. Working as fast as she can. Either she’s playing around with random codes, or she’s trying to get answers about the bomb. 

He wonders how much Jack told her. 

Her hair is thrown back in a messy bun, but aside from that, she looks rested and okay. She couldn’t have been here for too long, just long enough for Jack to fall asleep and for her to set up her makeshift workstation. 

_ She looks really good.  _

_ Stop, that’s the pain meds talking.  _

She pauses her typing before grabbing a foam cup of coffee from next to her and taking a drink. He’s relieved to see she’s here, her and Jack. He’s relieved that she looks safe. Even though Mason was in Chicago, he couldn’t help worrying about her being in Los Angeles without him. 

He wants to keep the people he loves close by. 

Which included Jack, Bozer, Matty, Russ and especially Riley. 

_ My team.  _

_ My Riley.  _

_ Focus, Angus.  _

After setting the cup down, she intends to go back to work, and Mac intends on letting her. However, he coughs slightly which catches her attention. Causing her to look up from the computer. 

"Hey, Mac," she says, she has that soft tone in her voice, the one she has reserved for him and him only. For those times when she needs to comfort him. 

It soothes him instantly. 

"Hey Riley," he can hear the scratching in his throat and wonders if he had his mouth hanging open when sleeping. That would be embarrassing. He clears his throat a bit, hoping it gets rid of the dry sound. 

He attempts to sit up, but his muscles tell him no, so he relaxes again. Riley notices his movement and sets her laptop aside. It gives Mac a good view of the screen, and he sees that she was researching the 11 bombings in Chicago. 

Multiple articles spread across the desktop scene. Imagines from the multiple locations and cell phone footage are muted as they play. 

"You shouldn't try and sit up by yourself," she says. Her voice was quiet enough not to wake Jack or the other. Standing up she takes a step closer to him. Brushing his messy hair from his face and sitting down next to him on the bed. 

"That's the most hours of consecutive sleep I've seen you have in a while," she points out, her hand falling from his hair. Mac can't help a small weak laugh escape his lips. 

"Yeah well, guess all I need for a good night's rest is to be caught in an explosion," he jokes a bit. 

Riley holds back a laugh, trying to be considerate of the few sleeping people in the room. She shakes her head slowly and he can see a build-up of emotions behind her eyes. “Yeah but next time take the phone with you so I know you got out,” she says. 

Mac nods a bit. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that,” he says slowly. He can’t imagine what it would be like to listen helplessly as Riley was in danger. Let alone is something that happened and he could only listen from the other side of a phone call. 

_ To believe she was dead…  _

_ I can't bear to think about it.  _

“It’s alright, I guess you were a little busy,” she shrugs. Pushing back her emotions like she always did. Guess it was a habit they both had, trying to block out their emotions and focus on the task at hand. 

“How are you feeling,” she asks. 

_ Vulnerable.  _

_ I always feel vulnerable around you.  _

“My body's a bit stiff, nothing I haven’t felt before. Luckily whatever they’ve given me has stopped a lot of pain in my leg.” He shifts a bit before looking down at the hospital gown he was wearing and groaning a bit. 

Riley follows his line of sight before laughing a bit, “you look fine, Macgyver.” 

“I hate these things, ever since I was little,” he says, letting his head flop back onto the pillow. “When I was seven, I almost burned my dad’s garage down. My grandpa got super worried and took me to the hospital because I tried to put the fire out and I had to stay the night. It was terrifying,” he tells her. “Ever since then I hate being in the hospital.” 

“Hey, better a hospital gown than a prison jumpsuit right,” she jokes. He doesn’t say anything and just nods in agreement. Anything was better than a prison jumpsuit. 

“Do you think you can help me sit up?” Mac asks after a moment. Riley nods and stands up, her arms wrapping under his as she helps him sit up. He can feel the cold against his back, which is somewhat exposed from the gown. 

Riley adjusts the back of the bed before standing closer to him. He can smell her shampoo, the kind he got for her. After she had moved in with him, he was in charge of getting stuff from the store and she had asked for shampoo. 

He spent an hour in the hair care aisle reading the chemical makeup of each bottle before settling on one. Apparently, she liked it enough to get it again. 

It made her smell like vanilla and papaya. 

Carefully, Riley places her hand on the bare skin of his back. A shiver going down his spine at her touch. For some reason, he feels his throat get choked up and his head spins a bit. The way her fingers delicately press against the small of his back... 

_ That was just the meds.  _

Carefully, Riley helps him lean against the pillow before she sits down on his bed once more. She pulls one of her legs onto the bed and leans back on her hand. Making sure not to touch his left leg. 

“Thanks,” he says slowly, already feeling better after sitting up. The drowsiness fades as he looks around the room. Getting a better look at his surroundings. There’s a small couch next to his bed by the larger window, which is where Riley had been. At the foot of his bed, under the television is a sleeping Jack Dalton. 

Mac can see his belongings piled up on his lap, and the other man’s hands seem to be clutching Mac’s clothes. He was probably still terrified for Mac and clutching onto his belongings was the only thing he could do. 

Mac saw him do the same thing in the military when a soldier died. Jack would take the dog tags when the body couldn’t be brought back, and he would clutch them as if his life depended on it. Mac just hated knowing Jack was back in that mindset. 

His eyes trail to the other side of the room where his vision was better able to make out who was sitting across from him. Mac breathes a sigh of relief at the sight of Jay. He looks a bit pale but other than that relatively okay. 

Of course, most of Jay’s damage is on the inside, whereas Mac’s body is covered in cuts and bruises, along with a gash in his leg. 

At the side of Jay’s bed, he spots a blonde girl. 

It must be Hailey because he can see a police jacket on the back of her chair, and he didn’t think Jay had anyone else in his life. She was his partner. 

“The um, the doctor Will said he should be okay,” Riley tells him. As if knowing his concern - maybe he wasn’t hiding it as well as he thought. “He was already here when I got in, Jack knows more about it if you want me to wake him.” 

“No, let him get sleep,” Mac says slowly. He glances down at his hands and tries to push back his feelings of guilt for Jay’s current condition. Trying to remember what Jack told him. That he wasn’t to blame, to stop assuming it was his fault. 

He can still hear the gagging and coughing sound that came from Jay’s throat before he passed out - twice. 

He hated seeing Jay so pale and clammy. 

Like he was shaking hands with death. 

He doesn’t even register the fact that his own hands are trembling until Riley grabs them. Pulling his gaze from Jay, Mac looks over at Riley. Her eyes are full of concern and worry about him. He hates being the focus of other people’s worries. 

He’s Macgyver, the man who can fix anything with everything. 

So why couldn’t he fix himself? 

The one thing he can’t seem to make right was himself. 

He never could. 

And time only seemed to make it worse. 

“Talk to me Mac,” she says, pulling him out of his own mind. He takes a deep breath and goes to speak before the words get caught in his throat. He isn’t even sure where to begin with all of this. He takes a final glance around the room, making sure everyone else was asleep before looking back at her. 

"I keep thinking… maybe Matty was right, maybe I shouldn't be back at work. I took one look at the note and froze up. Even before that, I didn't see an entire canister of toxins I mean-" he begins to confess. 

"You're allowed to make mistakes,” Riley cuts him off. Not allowing him to continue repeating the long list of things he blamed himself for. “Listen, I don’t know your friend Jay, but I know Jack. Jack would have done the exact same thing as Jay did,” she says. “And he wouldn’t regret it.” 

“I’m tired of people having to make that call for me. Charlie, my dad, I mean - even my aunt,” he says. He sucks in a deep breath and presses his eyes shut a bit. His head flopping down as he tries to steady his breathing. 

“Jay didn’t make that call just to protect you. He made that call because you were the only one who could get his partner out of there,” she reminds him. “Same with Charlie, your dad, and your aunt.” 

“But-” 

“No, Mac, you are special,” she cuts in. “There is no one else in the world like you, and yeah, that may mean people get hurt to protect you, but that sacrifice, you make up for it. Every day you save thousands of people. The people who protect you, they know this. That’s why they do it,” she says. 

“I hate it,” he says slowly. 

“I know, but that’s why you have a team- why you have me. To lighten that burden of that guilt,” she reminds him. Mac takes in a deep breath as he looks at their hands. Her thumb is softly rubbing against the dorsal side of his hand, careful not to mess with his IV. 

Instincts take over and Mac’s hand turns, so his palm touches hers. Her fingers softly brushing against his skin as he does the same. They sit there for a moment in silence, their fingers slowly playing with the others, neither one of them knowing what to say, or even what was going on between them. 

What had been going on between them. 

Ever since they came back to the Phoenix, things were different. There was a bond between them that Mac didn’t understand. Maybe it had always been there and he just hadn’t realized, or maybe things had changed. 

Then, after Germany, things really had become different between them. 

He liked it. Sure - he didn’t understand it, but he liked it. 

_ I want to pull her closer, to rest my hand behind her neck, allow our forehead to meet and-  _

_ Stop.  _

_ It’s all the medicine.  _

_ I’ve been over this.  _

It’s Jack grunting a bit in his sleep that causes both Mac and Riley to pull their hands away from each other. He hadn’t woken up, but it had definitely changed the tone of the room. 

The tension between the two being broken. 

Riley clears her throat before speaking, “Matty and Bozer are in the cafeteria, and Russ and Desi are at a hotel. They’re only letting four people visit in the room, and we figured we’d let the fourth person be someone Jay knows,” she says slowly. 

“Makes sense, he mutters a bit. Swallowing deeply as he tries to refocus. The tv was off, so it’s not like he could even watch that and pretend to be interested in whatever was on the TV. 

“Oh, I brought you these,” Riley says. She gets off his bed, and Mac feels her warmth leave. He hadn’t realized how calming it was to just have her sitting next to him. She digs in her bag before pulling out a box of paperclips. 

“I wanted to bring some other trinkets but didn’t have time to grab any,” she says, handing it to him. “Figured they would keep you busy enough not to live in your mind. 

She knows him too well. 

“Thanks, Riles,” he muses. Pouring out some of the paperclips before picking one up. 

“So how exactly do you figure out how to bend it to make what you want,” Riley asks. Sitting down on the couch and picking one of them up. 

“Here, I’ll show you.” 

oOo 

Typically, when he sat waiting in a hospital, the time seemed to go by at an unusually slow pace. He would count tiles on the floor and ceiling, attempt to calculate the size of the room, along with countless other tedious tasks. 

But with Riley, it was different. 

After walking her through how to make a paperclip computer, she joked about how it was definitely more of a Macgyver thing than a Davis thing. Which was when he asked her to show him what she did. 

Admittedly, after the first few minutes, he realized he didn’t care for it. He kept getting urges to open up the bottom of the computer and mess with the wires or do anything but stare at the screen. However, Riley was excited to share with him what she was doing, so he let her. 

The two only stopped when Jack woke up and he immediately embraced Mac - who winced in mild pain. After knowing he was okay, Jack went to get a coffee before returning. During which time Mac and Riley joked about him quietly to themself. 

“I’m glad you see you up, man,” Jack yawns as he returns and sits back down. Taking a drink of his coffee and stretching his legs out in front of him. 

“I’ve been in explosions before Jack, In fact, you were with me for most of them,” he points out. 

“He’s got a point,” Riley notes, smirking as Jack makes a fake insulted expression. 

“I don’t like it when you two gang up on me,” Jack notes. 

“Yeah, you’re right, it’s elder abuse,” she adds. Her nose scrunching up a bit, in a way that Mac can’t help smile at. 

Mac missed this, he missed the banter and bond he had with Riley and Jack. The ease he felt when talking to them, joking with them. 

This is his family. 

Hopefully, when Jay is awake they would allow Matty and Bozer to visit. 

“Oh very funny,” Jack says and Mac and Riley laugh, trying their hardest not to be too loud. “You know if I was smart I would leave right now, go back to Texas,” Jack teases. 

“Yeah but that implies you’re smart enough to do so,” Mac playful jabs. Riley laughs for a second before looking at him, “good one,” she says. Fist bumping him as Jack’s mouth gapes open. 

“You better be glad you’re in a hospital bed,” Jack adds. 

Their attention is pulled from their current conversation when they hear a faint groaning from Jay. He stirs a bit in his sleep, which causes the sleeping woman next to him to wake up. She stretches a bit before noticing that Jay is waking up. 

“Hey, Halstead,” she tells him. It seems to catch his attention and causes his eyes to open. 

Mac can’t help the sigh of relief from escaping from his lips. 

Sure he was told Jay would be okay, but seeing him awake was a relief. Though, his relief quickly fades when he hears Jay attempt to speak. He can’t even make out what he’s trying to say. It sounds like he’s swallowed gravel. 

Which only causes Mac’s stomach to turn as he looks away. He tries to remember what Riley said, but that doesn’t mean it makes it easy to listen to Jay struggling to speak. 

It doesn’t take away the fact that his friend is hurt. 

That his  _ brother _ is hurt. 

**_  
_ ** **_~~~_ **

“I need to see Jay.” Hailey commands. 

She hasn’t seen her partner since he collapsed into Voight’s arms after trying to run back in the warehouse. She had been sitting in another ambulance getting fluids, but they wouldn’t let her go to him. She should’ve tried harder to  _ get to him.  _

If he dies now, how could she forgive herself? He did all this to save her and she hasn’t even been able to thank him.  _ D*mn it.  _ She should’ve said something to him sooner. She hates how worked up he gets when she’s in danger. 

Like she’s just going to fade away if he doesn’t try hard enough to keep her safe. She knows he has issues with abandonment. With both his parents dying, his brother not being there back in the day, and then Lindsay leaving without a single word to him… it makes him antsy at the prospect of someone else leaving. 

_ “I’m going where you go.”  _ His words echo in her mind from when the team was about to be split up. It made her heart swell with affection. Everyone who knows Hailey knows she’s not a touchy-feely person. She’s a straight shooter, blunt and forward. No need to get emotions in the mix. It just makes things worse. 

But with Jay… It’s  _ different.  _ She feels like she can be vulnerable around him without being looked at differently or getting pity. Like she can be  _ real  _ with him. He’s so easy to talk to, easy to work with… it almost scares her how much she trusts him. 

None of her other partnerships ever panned out that well. She doesn’t want this one to go sideways if they take it further and then it doesn’t work out. 

They had taken her to the hospital to get checked out just in case she inhaled any of the gas, more as a precautionary measure than anything else, but everything came back clear so now she’s just irritated that she’s still here. 

She’s also irritated that no one can tell her anything about Jay. 

She’s just about to call for a nurse to get her discharge papers when she sees a familiar red-headed doctor passing by. 

“Will!” She calls out, and he turns on his heel, leaning into the room. 

“Hailey?” He asks, seeming surprised she’s here. “I didn’t know you were here too.” 

“Yeah, they were just making sure I didn’t breathe any of the gas.” 

He nods in understanding, stepping into the room. She’s not surprised he hadn’t noticed her presence. He always gets a little frantic when Jay is hurt. She knows the feeling. 

“Hey no one’s telling me anything, how is Jay?” She inquires, getting straight to the point. 

He takes a breath and smiles, rubbing his hands together. “That seems to be the question of the hour.” 

Hailey smiles in return, unsurprised. Whenever someone from the district gets injured on duty, it’s personal for everyone. The memory of the waiting room being completely filled to the brim with cops waiting for results on Jay’s status a month ago makes her smile widen fondly. 

This is the closest she’s gotten to a real family. 

“They’re wrapping up his surgery right now, and he should be getting transferred to the ICU within the hour. He’s gonna be fine.” 

A huge weight is lifted off her shoulders that she didn’t even realize was there. 

“What about the guy that came in with him? MacGyver? Did he make it?” She had just remembered the man wasn’t looking too good when they got him in the ambulance after the explosion. 

“Had a pretty big gash in his leg but he’s all patched up and taking a nap now.” 

That’s a relief as well. He seemed so adamant to help out, she would hate for the guy to die right after saving their lives. 

She has Will get her discharge papers since he was already here, before heading to the nearest waiting room outside the OR. In the room, is basically the whole team: Voight, Kim, Adam, Kevin, and Vanessa all waiting somberly. Adam must’ve gotten the others and come back after booking the suspect. 

She relays the quick explanation given to her by Will, making everyone visibly relieved, before going and sitting in the empty seat next to Kevin. 

It’s around 45 minutes later when Dr. Rhodes comes out and tells them that Jay is resting in a semi-private room with MacGyver. While he’s asleep though, they’re only allowing a certain amount of people to visit so Voight tells Hailey to go be with him, saying they’ll be back later after running down leads. 

“Let us know when he wakes up alright?” Adam says softly in passing, laying a hand on her shoulder before heading out. 

She says her goodbyes before Connor guides her to the room. Inside are two beds that hold her partner, and MacGyver. The blond is curled on his side, sound asleep, with a bandage on his leg. 

At the other side of the room by the window is Dalton, whom she met earlier, and a young woman around her age on a computer. They both look up at her when she comes into the room, the woman looking back at her computer and Jack smiling in greeting. 

Hailey gives a small wave before turning her attention to Jay. She never gets used to this. Seeing  the person ...  _ people _ you love passed out in a hospital bed. The wires and tubes leading to different machines keeping him alive. 

He looks so pale and fragile, swimming in the hospital gown that always seems too large on anyone. The pallor of his skin makes his freckles stand out even more. He looks so peaceful sleeping. She knows it must be the drug-induced unconsciousness, because usually even in sleep he looks unsettled. Bogged down by the memories of his worst moments. 

She’s caught him falling asleep at his desk a few times, during tough cases and late nights. Even in sleep he usually looks pained and tormented, brows furrowed with stress. 

Now though, his face is unburdened. He almost looks younger. 

She can’t imagine how young he looked back when he first joined the army. How fresh and unbroken he was. 

Although who knows, maybe he already was. She doesn’t really know anything about Jay’s past before the army, other than the fact that he and his dad weren’t close. 

Maybe that’s why he enlisted in the first place. 

It was a running joke that Jay couldn’t seem to figure Hailey out, or really learn much about her, but in actuality, Jay is just as tight-lipped about his life as she is. 

Maybe even more so. 

His lips are pale and chapped, eyes ringed with dark circles, and there’s still little bits of blood crusted near his hairline where the nurses must’ve missed it. She shoves down the observation of how long his eyelashes look, casting shadows on his pale freckle-dusted cheeks. 

Hailey pulls up a chair from the corner of the room up to the side of the bed. She rubs the tension out of her shoulder before leaning forward, elbows supporting her weight in her knees, and slides her hands around his lax one. His hand is a bit cold, but that’s normal after blood loss. 

She just can’t shake the feeling that things could’ve gone a lot differently, and the cold hand of her partner that she’s holding could be cold for a much worse reason. 

Her eyes sting as tears rise to the surface, but she pushes them down. He doesn’t need her tears, he needs her support. Something she’s been determined to provide him with ever since the start of their partnership. 

He’s been there for her, persisting through all her attempts to push him away. She did the same for him after Camila, and she’ll continue to do it for as long as they’re together. 

Now that she’s with him, and knows that he’s okay, that he  _ will  _ open his eyes again, then exhaustion from the day is creeping up on her, so she rests her chin on her arms on the bed over his hand. 

She brushes her thumb across his hand as she lays there, willing him to get some quality rest while he can, knowing he doesn't usually get the luxury on a normal basis. 

oOo 

Every breath feels like he’s inhaling broken glass. 

His lungs ache and burn, but differently than before. Now he could actually breathe properly, it just hurt like a b*tch. He tries to unstick his crusted-shut eyelids, but they give him trouble, feeling too heavy for the little bit of energy he has. 

He finally gets them open, having to blink several times to clear the stinging dryness. Everything is a bit blurry, but he feels a warm weight on his left hand, so he looks over to see Hailey laying on his arm. At the sight, his breath catches in his throat and it makes his lungs hitch and burn. 

He wheezes out a quiet groan and shifts, hoping not to wake her, but she obviously wasn’t sleeping too soundly because she herself shifts too and raises her head. 

Her eyes light up when she sees him and it sends a jolt through him. The amount of relief and positive expression on her face at just him waking up shocks him. 

“Hey Halstead,” She says with a humorous grin. “Have a nice nap?” 

He smiles back tiredly and huffs a laugh, which he regrets with a grunt as it sends a jolt of pain through his chest. He sees her smile morph into an expression of concern and he hates himself for making the smile go away. 

“I’m-“ he starts, his throat feeling like it’s been hit with a cheese grater. The effort it’s taking to speak is daunting, but he’s determined. “I’m good.” He rasps, and it comes out all creaky and gravelly, probably barely audible. “Mac-” he adds, hoping she catches his meaning because he really can’t get his voice to say much more. 

“Why don’t you look for yourself?” Hailey tells him, smile returning, before gesturing to the other side of the room. 

He tilts his head to the side, seeing Mac, Riley, and Jack all chilling across the room. Mac is laying in the other bed, the back raised to the point of almost sitting. He looks good. Less sleep-deprived anyway and not covered in dirt anymore. 

“Hey there sleeping beauty, look who’s late to the party.” Jack jokes. 

Jay smiles softly at the group. 

“H- okay?” Jay cracks out, and Hailey once again can somehow understand him. 

“He wants to know if Mac’s okay,” she says with a hopeless smile at the fact the first thing he says is asking about MacGyver’s welfare. 

**~~~**

_ "There he is," the older gruff voice says as Mac walks into the hospital room. Mac tosses his backpack next to the door before sitting down in the chair beside the door. His legs stretch out in front of him as he relaxes the best he can.  _

_ "How was the flight?" the voice asks as Mac lets out a slow sigh. It hurts to see the man who raised him looking so sick and exhausted. Despite his grandfather's smile, Mac knew he was hurting and he was fighting to seem attentive.  _

_ Mac hated seeing someone he cared about fake being okay for him.  _

_ "Crammed, the lady next to me was falling asleep on my shoulder, and the guy on the other side took up both seats," he says. He smiles as his grandfather laughs a bit.  _

_ "I could have flown you first-class," he points out. His grandfather then coughs slightly before his body relaxes onto the bed once more. Since his last visit home, his grandfather had gotten increasingly worse. He was frail, his skin extremely white and his eyes are dark and sunken.  _

_ Mac tries to seem unphased, brave even. He had to be brave. Soldiers were brave… and soon, he would be a soldier.  _

_ “No, it was okay. Besides now I have an interesting story to tell,” Mac adds.  _

_ "And how are you enjoying MIT and staying at the Bozer’s on weekends," he asks. Mac sees the concern for him in his eyes, maybe even guilt.  _

_ Guilt for having to leave the 17-year old by himself to figure out how life works.  _

_ Guilt that he was leaving just like Mac's parents.  _

_ He was 16 when his grandfather started showing symptoms of being sick, but he insisted Mac go to MIT. The past few months, however, he was just getting worse. He tried to hide it on phone calls, but Mac could hear it in his voice.  _

_ He would spend a few weeks at school before flying home to visit his grandfather, staying at Bozer’s while visiting.  _

_ "It's been great. Mrs. Bozer is glad her fridge and microwave are working properly," Mac muses a bit. "And um… they're really welcoming. Bozer loves me being there too," he tells his grandfather. He paused for a bit before looking down at his hands.  _

_ "He’s excited for Christmas, he says even after you're out of the hospital he wants us to come over-"  _

_ "Angus-"  _

_ "and we can spend the holiday together-"  _

_ "Angus-"  _

_ "He even said he was getting stocking for-"  _

_ "Angus!"  _

_ Mac stops and swallows a bit. The truth was he knew how sick his grandfather was. But it was easier to live in denial than to admit that the one person you learned to rely on was going. And there was nothing you could do to stop it.  _

_ "My- my brilliant grandson," his grandfather says slowly. Mac felt his throat tighten a bit before looking away from him. "Angus, look at me," he says. Causing Mac to look at his grandfather through his lashes.  _

_ It’s painful. He just wants for things to go back to the way they used to be, when he was younger. Running through the streets with his best friend, trying to make it back to his grandfathers before the lights went out.  _

_ "You know, and so do I, that I won't be here for the holidays," he tells Mac. Mac presses his lips together before nodding a bit. “That’s why I want to make sure you’re happy and taken care of.” Mac swallows a bit before wiping his eyes.  _

_ He hated crying, his dad never cried…  _

_ “Now, why don’t you tell me more about school. MIT must be amazing,” his grandfather says. Not wanting to dwell on the negative. He never did, he was always so positive, it’s why Mac admired him. Why he had chosen to follow in his footsteps.  _

_ “You want to talk about college, really,” Mac asks. His voice straining as he tries to gather his breathing. “Why are you so- so calm,” he adds. He bites down on his lips as his hands mess with the buttons on his shirt.  _

_ “Because I want to talk about you, and everything good in your life. Because one day soon I won’t be here,” his grandfather says. He coughs for a moment before reaching out to take the boys trembling hands. “I want you to remember me for who I am.”  _

_ Mac’s grandfather squeezes his hand for a bit before coughing again. It breaks Mac’s heart but he does his best to push it all down.  _

_ Like his father would.  _

_ Like his father tried to teach him.  _

_ “Um, I love it there,” Mac says as his grandfather settles down more.  _

_ “I mean I’ve made so many friends that- they think like me. They’re the kind of people that can change the world,” Mac says. Wondering what his grandfather would think of Mac dropping out. Or rather, what would he think to know Mac had dropped out.  _

_ “I mean I actually talked to people who wanted to sneak into a lab and study, it’s… it’s been amazing,” he adds slowly. His grandfather is smiling, beaming with pride.  _

_ “Let me guess, you pick the locks,” his grandfather chimes in.  _

_ “Yeah, I did,” Mac smiles a bit, but he watches his grandfather’s smile fall. He must have caught onto Mac’s hesitancy to share things and he shifts a bit.  _

_ “Did? Angus, what’s wrong,” he asked.  _

_ “I dropped out-”  _

_ “What?!” His grandfather interrupts before Mac can explain anything.  _

_ “Last time you called, it got me thinking that… At MIT I’m solving theories and ideas but I’m not _ **_doing_ ** _ anything. So I thought about it and-” Mac sighs a bit. “I can always go back to school-”  _

_ “Angus, tell me you didn’t drop out cause I’m lying here in a hospital bed,” his grandfather adds slowly.  _

_ “No- no, I knew you wouldn’t want that,” Mac says quickly. He can see his grandfather relax again. He looks so painfully sick… “My birthday is coming up soon, and as soon as I’m 18 I’m enlisting in the army like you did. There are real problems outside a lab,” Mac says slowly.  _

_ He looks down at his grandfather, who has a strange look on his face, one Mac hasn't seen before, and he doesn’t exactly know what to think of it. He doesn’t look mad, but he’s not smiling anymore either. His eyes seem to glaze over a bit and Mac swallows.  _

_ “I know you wanted me to graduate but-” he stops as his grandfather reaches out and grabs his hand. His grip is weak, but Mac knows he’s holding it as tight as he can.  _

_ “I am so- so very proud of you, Angus,” he says slowly. Mac can feel himself smile, but before he can respond his grandfather begins to cough. Mac shifts before grabbing a glass of water from his bedside table and helps his grandfather take a drink. He seems so weak now, laying in the hospital bed, so vulnerable and exposed.  _

_ After helping him take a drink, Mac sits back down and lets out another breath. It feels almost impossible to breathe now as he watches his grandfather try to relax and get comfortable. He knows he’s supposed to be brave, and he’s trying, but it’s hard.  _

_ “Hey,” his grandfather says slowly. “I’m feeling a bit tired, so I’m gonna get some shut-eye. Why don’t you try and rest too, you look exhausted,” he says. Mac nods a bit before resting his arms on the bed and laying his head down.  _

_ He feels his grandfather reach over, resting his hand on his blond hair. He feels like a little kid again. Staring up at the older man, eyes full of sadness because he’s scared of something. Feeling his grandfather brush through his hair and give him some sage old wisdom.  _

_ Say something to make him smile and they sit with him till he falls asleep.  _

_ “I love you, Angus, now get some rest. You have a world to change,” his grandfather whispers.  _

_ oOo  _

_ He hadn’t remembered falling asleep, but he must have since a loud beeping caused his eyes to flutter. Before he could register what was happening, a nurse was pulling him to his feet. At least 5 nurses and 1 doctor were rushing into the room.  _

_ “What’s-”  _

_ “You need to leave,” one of the nurses says as she pushes him from the room. The lady behind the desk steps closer to him as Mac’s eyes dart towards the door. He can hear the sound of the monitor. The beeping signaling his grandfather’s heart isn’t beating.  _

_ “What’s happening,” he says once more. His voice is broken as he looks at the woman next to him. He can see there is sadness in her eyes as she looks at him. He probably looks pathetic, but he doesn’t care. Not now anyway.  _

_ Not now that he’s watching a team of doctors surround his grandfather.  _

_ Not now that he’s losing the one person he needed most.  _

_ He could feel his breath racing and he tried to take a breath, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t stop the shaking in his body or the weakness in his knees. It feels like someone had taken the breath directly from him. He knows deep down that there was nothing he or anyone could do to help his grandfather.  _

_ He can’t fix this.  _

_ He wants to but he can’t fix this.  _

_ Why can’t he fix this?  _

_ Mac didn’t even realize he’d been crying, or that he nearly collapsed to the floor. The desk nurse holds him in her arms as she guides him to one of the chairs. Helping him sit down. He didn’t hear her whispering to breathe.  _

_ It’s just an endless embrace of pain.  _

_ He’s never had a panic attack before, but he’s read about them.  _

_ He understands what they do to your body.  _

_ They shut you down, block out everything but panic. Breathing would become hard, thinking would become hard. Everything was heightened in the state of a panic attack.  _

_ And right now, he was experiencing a panic attack.  _

_ He had always tried to hold it together, but there was nothing he could do to fight this.  _

_ All he could do was crumble and hope someone, anyone, would be there to pick him back up.  _

_ oOo  _

_ He felt…  _

**_Nothing._ **

_ The crying and shaking had stopped, and now the 17-year-old is slumped in his chair. His legs sprawled out in front of him, head against the wall. It had been about 15 minutes since his grandfather had coded. Mac’s heartbeat had evened out, at least… he thought it had.  _

_ “Angus Macgyver,” a woman called. He looks up, drying his eyes and forcing himself to his feet. “We had one of the nurses gather his things up,” she says slowly. Handing the 17-year-old a small bag. Inside are the home memorabilia he had brought his grandfather last week.  _

_ “I’m so sorry for your loss,” she says softly. He knows she means it, that it’s genuine. But that doesn’t matter, not really. Her condolences can’t bring his grandfather back.  _

_ Nothing can.  _

_ “Thank you,” he says slowly. His voice has returned to normal, though it’s sadder and more pain-filled. The nurse doesn’t seem to mind as she softly puts her hand on his shoulders before turning and heading from the waiting room.  _

_ It feels like the walls of the building are closing in on him again, and he’s trying not to break down again. He’d rather wait till he’s back at home, where no one could watch him, or judge him.  _

_ Did he even have a home anymore?  _

_ “Mac,” he hears a familiar voice saying. He looks up, spotting Bozer at the entrance to the room. Without waiting, the other kid comes running over and embraces Mac. The blond can’t help himself from hiding his face on his best friend’s shoulders.  _

_ The belongings feel heavy in his hands, he feels the bag slipping.  _

_ However, a soft hand grabs the bag from him.  _

_ He barely looks up, looking through his eyelashes and tears to see Bozer’s parents standing there. His mother has an expression of worry written across her face, and his father is looking over the two with a protective glance.  _

_ After an eternity - or rather a few minutes - Mac pulls away from Bozer, who keeps a gentle hand on his back. A look of sympathy written on his face. Bozer has lost family too, Mac knows that. He remembered the pain it caused him.  _

_ “C’mon, son,” Bozer’s dad says after a moment. “Let’s go home.”  _

Mac hates hospitals, he hates them even more when he sees someone he loves and cares for struggling. They weren't bad when you were the only one in pain. But he isn’t the only one hurting. 

So is Jay. 

“Have a nice nap?” Hailey asks. Mac can see her concern for Jay, and he’s not sure who is more worried about the other man. Jay’s partner or himself. 

“I’m-“ Jay begins to speak, but Mac can hear the damage done to his throat. He sounds horrible, as if he swallowed dirt and gravel- or, ya know, acid. “I’m good.” Jay manages to reply. His eyes look sleepy, but suddenly open up wider. 

Mac can tell he’s panicking. 

He knows what panic attacks feel like. 

“Mac-” Jay adds. He looks so distraught. As if it’s the end of the world. As if Mac really matters  _ that _ much. 

“Why don’t you look for yourself?” Hailey is now gesturing towards Mac, and immediately he shifts. Uncomfortable at the idea of people worrying about his well being. 

Wow, he really was used to only Jack, Matty, Bozer, and Riley seeing him hurt. 

Maybe he’s too good at acting okay. 

_ No, people can’t see your weakness _ . 

Jay looks over at him and Mac can see the tension and worry fade away. He can also swear he seems to smile a bit, though Jay still seems pretty out of it. 

“Hey there sleeping beauty, look who’s late to the party.” Jack jokes. 

Mac can’t help feel a bit of relief when Jack speaks, glad some of the attention is taken away from him, at least for a short few seconds. Until Jay speaks again. 

“H- okay?” Jay cracks out. It takes Mac a few seconds to process what he had meant, and by the time he gets that Jay is asking how he is, Hailey is translating for those who can’t speak delirious and injured. 

“He wants to know if Mac’s okay,” she says. She has the same look in her eye that Riley gets whenever Mac does something dangerous for others. He wonders what it means. 

Before he answers, Jay reaches out. They’re close enough for the soldier to take Mac’s hand in his own and grip onto it. Somehow, the gesture causes Mac to relax. It was easier to know someone was safe when you could see, hear, and feel them. 

“I’m alright,” Mac says. He knows that doesn’t explain much, but he figured he’d be upfront to ease any worry Jay may have regarding him. “I don’t doubt they’ll be letting me go any minute,” he adds. He isn’t sure that’s true, but he’s hoping with enough of his persuasion skills, and some of Dalton’s charms, they can get him out early. 

“Now hold up,” Jack interrupts. Mac doesn’t mean to, but he can’t help his eyes from rolling a bit. Already anticipating what the other man will say. “Now I know you’re feeling great, but I’m pretty sure you should stay for a few days,” he begins. 

Jack stops when he sees the clear glare Mac has on his face. He seems completely unamused. “Don’t you look at me like that, kid,” he says. “You have a habit of rushing yourself out of the hospital and then it messes with you because you’re tired, sore, and mildly grumpy.” 

“I do not-” 

“Yeah, you do,” Riley points out. 

“Really, you’re siding with Jack now,” Mac asks her. 

“No, I’m siding with the ‘ _ Angus Macgyver Care Squad _ ’ which I think it’s safe to say this entire room is a part of,” Riley adds. “You have a tendency to not care about your physical or mental wellbeing.” 

“He’s not the only one,” Hailey interrupts. This causes Mac to look over at her and Jay and he sees her giving him an annoyed but caring expression. 

“Yeah, they’ve both been that way since the war. No matter how many times Mac had to patch your boy up, he was always determined to get right back to action,” Jack says. Hailey looks up at Jack before back at Jay, raising an eyebrow at him. 

“I mean… we were in the middle of war-” Mac begins before being cut off. 

“And do you know what you always complained to me about, how he never just took time to recover, so now, I’m telling you what you always told Halstead. ‘Take some time, we need you at your best.’” 

Mac sighs before flopping his head back onto the pillow. He still isn’t ready to give up the argument but he’s also too tired to have any good comebacks. He wants to claim Jack is no better, but the other man is constantly milking his sick leave days. 

“I don’t see why I can’t do my healing somewhere else,” he says. 

He glances back at Jay, who seems to understand what he’s saying. I mean, what’s the difference between spending three days in a hospital or three days at Jay’s precinct sitting down while running tactical? 

At least if he was out of the hospital he could feel useful. 

Right now he just feels useless. 

**_~~~_ **

_ It’s funny how pain and grief can make you fall back on coping mechanisms that you once swore you’d never get sucked into.  _

_ Once the pain is bad enough, those options seem a little less obscene. A little more helpful in lightening the burden. Then before you know it, you’ve created an even bigger problem in your pursuit to aleve the initial issue.  _

_ It had been 5 months since Jay got back from his first tour, 3 weeks since his mom died, and he’s spent most of them staring at the bottom of a bottle.  _

_ Just like his dad.  _

_ His father blamed him for not being there. Saying she would’ve lived longer if he hadn’t left them. That she wore herself out worrying about him overseas.  _

_ Maybe he was right, but there’s no changing that.  _

_ Those last few months he got with her... he regretted not coming home sooner. Or better yet, never gone in the first place.  _

_ He loved being in the Rangers, it’s who he was, but part of him feels guilty for leaving, not knowing his mom was on borrowed time.  _

_ The sight of the Christmas lights strung everywhere in the city made him want to throw up. His mom loved Christmas. Decorated the house up every year with all the different hodgepodge decorations she’d collected over the years.  _

_ She brought everything to life. She was the only one who would treat him like his feelings were valid. That he wasn’t a disappointment. That his father didn’t mean to say those things, didn’t mean to slap him.  _

_ He wasn’t physical often, maybe a few times a year at most, but when Jay got a little too mouthy (an issue he still has to this day) his father believed the firm back of his hand could solve it.  _

_ It wasn’t a big deal. Most parents in Canaryville were that way with their kids.  _

_ A rough neighborhood means you need your kids to be tough.  _

_ Nowadays though, it would be branded as abuse. He’d seen parents get locked up for less. But back then when you’re a difficult child in a rough part of Chicago in the 90s… it’s all relative.  _

_ He remembered one time it happened when he was eight, his dad had been yelling at him about something he doesn’t even remember, Jay talked back and the man slapped him so hard he hit the floor. Jay remembered just sitting there in shock for a full minute before running to his and Will’s room and curling up on his bed, sulking.  _

_ He was thankful Will was still at school because he didn’t want to deal with the questions and having to hide his tears.  _

_ His mom must’ve found out what happened because he could hear them arguing downstairs. Something that he was used to. The thin walls of their lower-class house did no favors in blocking out the loud yelling from his parents. It sent a chill down his spine and he pulled his knees up to his chest, covering his ears with his hands.  _

_ A few minutes later the front door slammed, jarring the whole house and making him jump. His dad must’ve been leaving to cool off. He slowly drops his hands from his ears cautiously making sure he was right.  _

_ His mom had slipped into his room after knocking, coming to sit next to him on the bed. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, squeezing him to her chest as she rocked back and forth. He latched onto her in return, holding on for the life of him.  _

_ “He didn’t mean it, he was just angry. You did nothing wrong,” she whispered into his hair.  _

_ But he did do something wrong. He had to have done something wrong that made his dad angry. Why else would he have smacked him? He needed to do better.  _

_ But there in his mother’s arms, as she kept reassuring him, he can’t help but feel that it wouldn’t be so bad forever. That everything would get better.  _

_ That memory caused him to pull out another bottle of whiskey.  _

_ He would never have that with her again.  _

_ Never have someone on his side when his dad starts berating him. Will had their dad’s favor (well, the closest thing you could get to it with Patrick Halstead ), but Jay had always been a mama’s boy.  _

_ He had a picture of his mom in his left hand, the bottle in his right. The picture was of her, Jay, and Will on Christmas when he was nine. She had her arms around him, tickling him until he laughed hysterically while Will smiled brightly at them, opening a gift.  _

_ Everything was different on Christmas.  _

_ She’ll never see Christmas again.  _

_ It was a few days until the holiday, Will said he was too busy to fly out. There was no way in hell he was spending it with his dad. What’s the point of celebrating it at all when she’s not there?  _

_ Right then she would’ve been baking cookies. She always baked cookies and fudge and all sorts of treats from scratch the week leading up to Christmas.  _

_ He stared down at the table. At the little box that sat there, holding a slice of his mother’s favorite butterscotch apple cake from the bakery down in Burbank, just five minutes from his childhood home. It was an old Irish recipe. Something his mom told him was like a little piece of their heritage.  _

_ He smiled, pooled tears spilling over and trailing down his cheeks.  _

_ He couldn’t touch the slice. Couldn’t bring himself to even think of ingesting it. It was just  _ **_there._ ** _ Like a little piece of his mom.  _

_ He growled in frustration at the pitiful state he was in. That he was crying like a child. It’s been a month already, he should be better by now. He was a soldier for Chr*st’s sake, he’d seen people die in front of him before and still continued fighting.  _

_ He poured another glass of whiskey and chugged it down, suddenly hit with a wave of guilt as he stared at the eyes of his mother in the worn picture.  _

_ Would she still be proud of him now?  _

_ Guilt and hatred swirled inside of him. He folded the picture back up into a little square, pressing a quick kiss to it before pocketing it. As if hiding her from his disgusting pathetic habit.  _

_ She deserved a better son than he was.  _

_ A better life.  _

_ A  _ **_longer_ ** _ life. Filled with happiness and so many more Christmases for her to enjoy.  _

_ His hands shook harder as he tried to refill the glass.  _

**_D*mn it stupid hands-_ **

_ He splashed a bit on the front of his t-shirt, but he didn’t care. It didn’t matter. He didn’t matter.  _

_ He jumped as his phone went off, pressing his fingers into his eyes. He was not in the mood to deal with anyone right now. He pressed the button on his phone to decline the call without looking.  _

_ He had been staying away from almost everyone. Barely leaving his apartment. Wallowing in his guilt and self-loathing. He was perfectly fine in his desolate isolation where he can suffer in silence without other people prying into his private life.  _

_ His phone started ringing again and he slammed his glass down in a burst of anger, liquid splashing on the table and his hand as it busted and shattered everywhere. He shook the liquid and bits of glass off his hand and onto the floor before ripping his phone out of his pocket and answering.  _

_ “Halstead,” he answered brusquely, voice scratchy from disuse, already wanting the call to be over.  _

_ “Hey Kid, it’s Jack— Dalton,” the man greeted, and Jay froze. He had promised himself he would get back with them once he had gotten his life together. Once he wasn’t such a mess.  _

_ He regretted cutting himself off from them to feed his self-destructive habits.  _

_ He pasted on a fake smile as if Jack could see him. Looking the part helps you sound the part.  _

_ “Hey, Jack. W-what’s up?” He hated the way his voice cracked, but he was trying extremely hard not to sound drunk which he most definitely was.  _

_ “Well there sQueaky,” Jay rolled his eyes at the jab, “Mac and I were wondering— hey don’t you dare take that apart it’s a family hEirlOom—”  _

_ A sad smile stretched across Jay’s face at the lively sounds on the other end of the call. Christmas music and a couple of voices overlapped. They must’ve been decorating.  _

_ “Sorry about that, we were wondering if you’d wanna fly out here for Christmas? That is if you don’t already got plans.”  _

_ A watery bark of a laugh escaped from his throat. His ‘plans’ involved drinking until the whole holiday just faded away. Until  _ **_he_ ** _ just faded away.  _

_ “No uh… no I’m not doing anything.”  _

_ “Great! Then fly your a** over here, we’re buyin’ you a ticket,” Jack told him, and he could practically hear the smug grin on the Texan’s face.  _

_ “Yeah, do you know how hard it is to put up with this old man every day without you here to buffer? I’m dyin’ over here without you, dude,” MacGyver piped in, sounding a bit further away.  _

_ Jay pressed the speaker of the phone to his chest to block the sound and squeezed his eyes shut, tears quickly rolling down. He only allowed himself that last second of longing before sniffing and wiping his face, changing his expression to be normal again, smiling.  _

_ “Well I can't leave a man behind now can I?”  _

_ “You bet your a** you can’t,” Jack responded, and Jay sniffed again, loud enough for the man to hear. “Hey, you okay man?” He asked in a softer tone. Jay could vividly imagine the look of concern that was probably morphed onto his face.  _

_ “Yeah. Yeah, I’m… I’m good Jack.”  _

_ Mac and Jack didn’t know it, but they had saved Jay’s life that Christmas.  _

oOo 

Jay needs Mac to be okay. He needs to feel that the man is actually alive and warm and  _ breathing.  _

He reaches out, grasping for the younger man with a shaking hand. A warm hand clasps onto him and he squeezes it, breathing a sigh of relief. He knows how this probably looks. His dad would make a joke about it not being very  _ manly  _ but Jay couldn't care less. 

This is his  _ brother.  _

His brother that he’s neglected to stay in touch with. Just like Will did with him. He was too harsh on Will. 

He thought Mac was  _ dead.  _ That gets a bit of a free pass on the front of emotional output. After another reassuring squeeze, they release their grip to focus on the conversation. 

“I’m alright… I don’t doubt they’ll be letting me go any minute,” Mac explains. Hearing him say that he’s fine isn’t any comfort, just knowing how Mac can be, but hearing that he would be released soon gives him a bit more solace. He knows how small of things Will has admitted people for, so knowing he won’t be here much longer is a good sign. 

That is if he’s not exaggerating, but who knows at this point. 

“Now hold up,” Jack interrupts. “Now I know you’re feeling great, but I’m pretty sure you’ll be here for a few days.” 

Aaaaand there’s his answer. Why would he expect Mac to actually be telling the truth about his well being? Neither he nor Jay were the best in that department. Mac rolls his eyes at Jack’s comment and it’s just like old times. 

“Don’t you look at me like that, kid,” he says. “You have a habit of rushing yourself out of the hospital and then it messes with you because you’re tired, sore, and mildly grumpy.” 

Jay huffs a small laugh. That describes the kid to a T. 

“I do not-” Mac tries to protest, but no one is having it. 

“Yeah, you do,” Riley jumps in, and Jay’s brows raise. 

_ He’s just been cAlled oUt.  _

“Really, you’re siding with Jack now,” Mac asks with joking defensiveness. 

“No, I’m siding with the ‘ _ Angus Macgyver Care Squad _ ’ which I think it’s safe to say this entire room is a part of,” Riley adds. “You have a tendency to not care about your physical or mental wellbeing.” 

Pshhh that’s an understatement. The kid has a hero complex the size of Jack's ego. 

“He’s not the only one,” Hailey adds and Jay glares at her. 

He’s not… that’s not… 

It’s not the same. It’s Jay’s job. Mac’s job was to disarm the bombs, yet he always seemed to go the extra mile to help anyone. Jay signed onto the Rangers to protect people and feel needed. It’s literally in the Ranger code that he is obligated to protect his comrades with his life. 

“Yeah, they’ve both been that way since the war. No matter how many times Mac had patch your boy up, he was always determined to get right back to action,” Jack says. Hailey raises her eyebrow suggestively at Jay and he rolls his eyes. 

Great, now she has dirt on him. Like she already doesn’t worry about him enough. 

“I mean… we were in the middle of war-” Mac starts to defend, and Jay is grateful. He doesn’t think he has enough energy to try and talk through his ripped up throat. 

“And do you know what you always complained to me about, how he never just took time to recover, so now, I’m telling you what you always told Halstead. ‘Take some time, we need you at your best.’” 

If Jay had any blood to spare, his face probably would’ve reddened at the undeniable statement Jack was laying out on the table. He just settles for gripping the sheet tightly in his fist. It’s also effective in softening the tremors. Two birds with one stone. 

“I don’t see why I can’t do my healing somewhere else,” Mac complains, and Jay has never empathized with anything more. 

He appreciates hospitals for what they do, he’s just had too many bad experiences to actually  _ like  _ it. From his parents’ deaths, all his visits after his many injuries where he was bleeding out onto the floor or wheezing out his last breaths before passing out. 

The sharp antiseptic smell that accompanies all hospitals just reminds him of  _ pain.  _ Needles sticking his arms, tubes going down his throat, blades cutting into his skin before he can be sedated. Every single time it would take his half-conscious mind back to Afghanistan and the improvise procedures in the field. 

When you’re out in the middle of nowhere with no medication or supplies, it’s the stuff of nightmares. He still remembers the screams. Of his comrades. 

Of  _ himself.  _

Jay shivers. He  _ definitely  _ knows how Mac feels. 

He raises his hand saying, “I agree,” very gravely, but he’s just proud he could get it out without stuttering or coughing. Jack and Hailey look at him unamused and Mac gestures at him. 

“See?” Mac says, satisfied that Jay is on his side. Jay gives a tired thumbs up in return. 

Jack, Mac, and Riley seem to lapse into their own quiet conversation after that, and Jay forces himself to stay awake. Hailey seems to notice but doesn’t say anything, knowing he probably would listen anyway. 

“Water,” he whispers, “Please.” 

Hailey’s face flashes with an almost sad emotion before she nods and grabs a cup for him helping him drink. It still hurts, but it feels a lot better than it did before. 

“Thanks.” 

“No problem,” she says smiling. “I’m gonna go tell the others you’re okay.” He smiles back at her and blinks slowly. “Any requests on who you wanna see first?” 

He thinks for a moment, remembering what happened before he got in the ambulance back at the warehouse. There’s something that feels necessary to say and he needs to see the person. Needs the calm but commanding voice that makes him feel… something he’s missed in his life. 

“Voight.” 

She gives a small smile, bowing her head a little before saying, “I’ll go let him know,” and heading out the door. 

As soon as she’s gone his brows furrow at the sharp aching pain in his chest. He brings his hand up to rub at it and a pinch in the crook of his elbow makes him look down to an IV hooked up to it. 

The offending object in his arm makes him want to rip it out so…  _ so bad.  _ But he doesn’t want to get an ear full from Will or anyone else about him ‘neglecting his health’. He ignores the discomfort and continues rubbing his chest, mindful of the bruise on his ribs, and it makes him feel somewhat better. 

He wonders how many pain meds he’s on. If it’s a lot and he’s still in this much pain, getting off of them to get back to work is gonna be a b*tch. 

Hailey steps back in the doorway with Voight and he instantly schools his expression back to tired, dropping his hand back onto the bed. 

“There’s my star detective,” Voight greets with a lighthearted air of humor. Jay lazily rolls his eyes at the obvious joke but smiles nonetheless. “How ya doin’ kid?” 

“Never better,” Jay breathes out, coughing with a small laugh. He leans forward with the intensity of the cough, curling over his stomach. Voight places his hand on Jay’s back, rubbing comfortingly in the midst of his hacking. 

“Hey hey hey, you’re good,” he consoles, his voice softening, “Just breathe…” 

The coughing subsides and Jay nods at him to signal that it’s over before plopping back on the bed, recovering his breathing. 

“There you go,” Voight adds afterward, moving his hand onto Jay’s shoulder. “You good?” 

He just settles for a simple nod and a tight smile this time. 

“You had us all worried there for a while.” 

Jay breaks eye contact, looking at the floor. He hates how often this happens. How much he makes other people worry. 

“I’m… I’m good.” 

Too many times have Voight and he been in this same scenario. He knows there’s probably a lecture coming. A reprimand for being too reckless and almost getting himself killed. 

But he doesn’t. Why isn’t he angry? 

Voight’s expression turns serious, like something more is going on. 

“H...” he clears his throat, “Hank w-what’s... wrong?” 

The sergeant looks back up at him, face becoming somber. 

“They found another bomb.” 

No… no, it’s only been a  _ day.  _ How could there already be another one? Is he really escalating this fast? Or is he doing it just because they’re in the hospital to spite them? 

“It was right outside the VA hospital.” 

Anger flares within him. Of course, that’s where he’d hit. He’s sending a message.  _ Toying  _ with them. 

They were in the army, they’re in the hospital from a bomb that he made, and now a hospital specifically for war veterans. It’s too much of a coincidence, 

He scrunches his eyes shut and slams his head down on the pillow in frustration. 

“No one died, only a few injured, but I’m sure you can figure out the significance.” 

He looks over to see Mac and the others have stopped their conversation to listen to Voight’s information. The older man spoke with caution, knowing Jay can get a little messed up during these cases that hit close to home. 

He’s right. Jay was pissed before, but now he’s livid. 

He doesn’t care if all his organs start failing or he bleeds out or  _ he drives himself into the  _ _ grave _ ... 

He’s gonna catch this son of a b*tch and put a bullet in his skull if it’s the last he does. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac and Jay are dealing with their guilt about the most recent bombing when Mac's boss shows up, who seems to know a lot more about the Intelligence unit (and Jay in particular) than they would've guessed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam: So this idea originally started as a fun little story to write with Emily but now I'm obsessed and think about it 24/7 so even if we miss an update, just know I am writing for/planning this story.
> 
> Emily:  
> Yes! I'm 110% with Sam on this one. We're ALWAYS talking and writing about it hehe.  
> I'm super sorry for the wait, we've been quite preoccupied with a few other stories we're simultaneously working on to revise this chapter and get it ready for posting, but it's finally here! Sam and her family have recovered fully from covid and our writing is in full swing so we plan to post every other week or so! 
> 
> [Disclaimer: Once again I do not speak Arabic, I just used Google translate for it so it felt more immersive than using English]  
> \------

“See,” Mac points out after Jay agrees with him. Deep down he knows that neither she, nor Jay was being particularly smart when it came to their health, but he didn’t care. He felt restless just laying in bed, waiting until Mason attacked again. 

Jay gives Mac a weak thumbs up before relaxing a bit. Despite him being awake, Jay still had a lot of rest to catch up on. He couldn’t imagine the kind of pain the other man was in. The fire shooting down his throat, the scratchy feeling when he swallowed, and most definitely unbearable pain in his chest whenever he inhaled. 

He imagines it’s awful. 

“Doesn’t mean that’s a good plan,” Jack mutters under his breath. He was always overly worried about Mac when in reality Jack would be doing the same thing. 

“When in our 8 years of friendship have either of us ever had a good plan,” Mac points out. To which Riley laughs under her breath. She tries to stop herself when Jack shoots her a glare, but can’t help laughing a bit more at the other man's expression. 

“That’s what improvisation is for,” Mac adds, making short eye contact with Riley before looking back at Jack and tilting his head a bit, a playful smirk tugging at his lips. He tries to think of something else to say that would make Riley laugh again, but nothing else is coming to mind. 

“Just because you can take a plan that turned bad and make it work, doesn’t mean you start with a bad plan,” Jack argues a bit. 

“Jack,” Riley cuts off. “You know you’re not going to get him to say he’ll willingly stay,” she points out. She reaches her hand out to straighten the blankets of his hospital bed. “But Mac, you’re not leaving so get comfortable,” she says. 

“That’s contradictory-” Mac began to argue. 

“I will handcuff you to the bed if I need to,” she smiles a bit in his direction before tossing him the small package of paper clips over at him. 

“Like that’ll stop me,” Mac says, responding before he picks up the small container of paper clips and letting out a sigh. “But thanks, Riles,” he says slowly. It doesn’t help much, but it does make him glad to know she prepared for his boredom. 

Mac looks back at Jack, who is still eyeing him skeptically. Almost as if he’s expecting Mac to jump out of the bed and take off running out the door. 

“I’d prefer you stay right here where I can keep an eye on you,” he says. 

Despite rolling his eyes at Jack, it made him feel better. Knowing that even after all this time Jack still wanted to work with him. No, it was more than that, Jack needed to work with him, to watch his back. 

They were a team. 

He couldn’t count the number of times in the past year or so that he just needed Jack. As a teammate, a friend, a protector. He needed the other man there to get him through all the torment he had experienced. 

He doubted he would have spiraled so much after The Phoenix Foundation shut down had Jack been there. Maybe he wouldn’t have pushed his dad away so far after Charlie’s death. He could practically imagine the conversation Jack would have had with him if he had been there. 

_ “Listen, man, now you know I’m not James Macgyver’s biggest fan. Believe me, he has done plenty of things that make me want to strangle him,” Jack would say. He would probably then grab his shoulder, and give him one of his Jack Dalton serious stares.  _

_ “But you don’t want to be what pushes him out. Show him the kind of man you are, the good man you are. I’m not saying you have to trust him, he lost that right when he walked out on you. But if you push him away, and something happens to either of you… You don’t want that guilt.”  _

But, Mac supposed there was no point in dwelling on it anymore. 

He must have zoned out for just long enough for Jack to notice but not too long others were concerned. Riley had sat back down on the couch and returned to her original sitting potion, with her knees propped up against him. 

“Hey man, you okay,” Jack says in a lower tone. 

Mac forces himself back to the present, it’s not like he could go back in time and make Jack stay. Like he could even know what really would have happened if Jack had been with him. So there was no point in trying to live in a make-believe world. 

“Yeah,” Mac says. He can see by Jack’s expression that he doesn’t believe him. “Just thirsty,” he lies. Once again, Jack doesn’t believe him, but he doesn’t exactly have time to protest the actions as the door to the room opens. 

A man steps in, and after checking in his memory he remembers it’s Voight, Jay’s boss. “There’s my star detective, How ya doin’ kid?” Mac can overhear the conversation and Jack relaxes in his chair. Tossing Mac’s clothes onto the edge of his bed. 

Jack stretches his legs out, and Mac wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to go back to sleep - to say the older man was a fan of naps would be an understatement. 

“Never better,” he hears Jay say. Then, he starts coughing again. Immediately Mac is taken back to the explosion. Seeing Jay hacking up his own blood. He sits forward, about to get out of bed before he feels Riley resting her hand on his leg. 

He’s glad she did so because it’s then that he notices that Voight has him covered. Rubbing his shoulder, asking if he’s okay, all of that. 

“Calm down, Mac,” Riley says softly. “We’re in a hospital if anything does happen,” she reminds him. He nods a bit but doesn’t entirely relax back into bed. Instead, he rubs his face with his hands. 

They’ve got a few bruises and cuts on them, but nothing too bad. After rubbing his face he runs his hands through his hair. Trying to refocus on the present moment instead of living in the past. He wasn’t defusing a bomb, he was resting. 

No one got hurt. 

“H...” Jay clears his throat, getting Mac, Riley, and Jack’s attention. “Hank w-what’s... wrong?” 

Mac can see what Jay sees. There’s a look on the sergeant's face that he can’t quite place it. It reminds him of Matty, whenever she has to call them in on a holiday or deliver any bad news. It’s definitely not a welcoming look. 

“They found another bomb.” 

Once again, Riley’s hand is on Mac’s leg, only she’s stood up. Almost expecting him to leap out of bed and dart towards the door. Which wouldn’t exactly be out of character for him. But right now, he feels too pale and faint to do anything. 

A second bomb? 

He knew Mac was here, why else would he risk setting off another one so close to it going off? 

If he knew Mac was here, things would get a lot worse before they got better. 

“It was right outside the VA hospital.” 

Mac’s stomach turns at that. 

He wants to throw up. 

Actually, he’s almost certain he would have had Riley and Jack not been here. 

He feels Riley move her hand to his arm, gripping it tightly. It’s then that he realizes that he’s shaking, and bad. Bad enough for her to notice. Bad enough to get Jack to stand up and take a step closer to him. 

“No one died, only a few injured, but I’m sure you can figure out the significance.” 

Him. 

He was the significant point. 

Target police, cops, vets, and old army buddies. 

Mason was targeting everyone but the man he wanted dead. 

Mac can feel himself grip the bedsheets under him, he tries to block down every emotion rising up. 

The hatred, the anger… 

The wish that he was dead. 

None of this would have happened if he was dead. 

“Let go,” Mac says, pushing Riley’s hand off of his arm. He reaches forward, grabbing his pants at the end of the bed. Grateful he had underwear on under the hospital gown and could get dressed and leave. 

“Woah, hold up, what are you doing,” Jack says. Mac carefully removed his IV which caused Jack to let out a frustrated, “dude.” 

“I’m getting out of here,” he said, carefully standing. It hurt like crazy but he bit back a wince. He can tell Voight and Hailey are shocked. And he wouldn’t be surprised if Jay began to worry about him. 

Before he could start getting dressed, Jack grabbed his arm. It was a firm grip as he pulled the clothing from Mac’s hand and forced him to sit back down. This time the movement caused him hiss in pain. 

“Like h*ll you are,” Jack responds. 

“Get out of my way Jack.” 

“The bomb went off, there’s nothing you can do,” Riley cuts in. Once again Mac feels his hands clenched into a fist. 

He didn’t need a reminder that more people were hurt because of him. That he let down another group of people because he had let Mason go. He should have stopped him when his dad died, taken the weapon, knocked him out, shot him- something. 

Instead, he let him go. Some noble code of honor, Mason got him out of there so he owed him. It wouldn’t happen again, and he made Mason know that. But how much damage would be done before the mad man was stopped? 

How many more times would he fail? 

“Yeah, and where do you think the next one will show up, here. He’ll target the hospital and all of these people,” he snaps. Immediately regretting it as he looks down. 

Another thing to feel guilty about, lashing out at Riley. 

The list wouldn’t stop growing. The list of who he hurt seemed to be getting longer with every breath he took. 

“Mason wants me,” he points out. 

“What do you suppose we do about that,” Jack adds. He steps aside, no longer blocking Mac from the door as he sits next to him. 

Maybe Mac’s faint cry of pain proved to the other man that he was in no position to get out of there quickly. He feels the mattress move as Riley sits down behind him. Her hand once again touching the bare skin on his back as she softly rubs it. 

“Give me to him,” he said quietly. He can hear the wavering in his own voice as the room goes quiet. He felt bad about showing that weakness, hinting that maybe he should just be handed off to the mad man. 

At which point, he clears his throat, “Or let me out of here to find him. Jack I can’t sit here, not when I know he’s out there,” he says. He’s basically begging at this point which doesn’t exactly make him feel much better. 

Riley moves a bit closer to him. Her hand softly gripping his shoulder in comfort. As if telling him she was right there. 

“Mac,” Jack says slowly. 

“No- he- he killed Charlie, and then he came after Jay. He wanted to kill Jay to get to me, I can’t just let him go after more people,” he says. His expression fell as he looked over at Jay. He feels his lip quivering a bit before he bites down on it. 

Jay looks so weak and exhausted right now, all because he knew Mac. His throat was burned and scraped up, not to mention a new scar from surgery to add to his collection. Slowly, Mac looks away from Jay, not able to look at him anymore. 

“Too many people have died because of me,” he says as he swallows. “I have to be out there, I have to stop him, Jack,” he tells him. He doesn’t think Jack will let him go, which may be the most logical decision, but staying here puts people at risk. 

He feels as Riley’s hand falls from his shoulder, softly brushing down his arm. From behind, he feels her resting her hand on his, which is starting to bleed from pulling the IV out. Maybe trying to get out of bed was a stupid decision. 

He feels Riley press her forehead against his back, and he could have sworn she pressed a faint kiss to his bare skin. But that was ridiculous, why would she do that? 

He can feel a cold tear from her drip down his back and it makes him shiver slightly. Her hand grips onto his tighter as he swallows deeply. 

He feels cold and sick. 

Once again, Mac looked over at Jay. All the guilt he’d been trying to push back all month came flooding back. “This is my fault, it’s- it’s all my fault.” 

**_~~~_ **

Almost as soon as Voight starts explaining the situation, Mac starts to freak out, jumping up from his bed. 

Jay isn’t surprised. If it’s a bomb, Mac will feel responsible, and if it’s really the guy that Mac says it is, he’ll  _ definitely  _ feel responsible. Jay’s not sure there’s much the kid  _ doesn’t  _ feel responsible for. 

Jay’s glad that Jack and Riley are there to stop him since the Ranger is not in a good enough condition to do it himself. Jack is standing up, seeing the look on Mac’s face, and Riley grabs onto his arm to stop him. 

“Let go,” he grinds out, and Jay is a bit taken aback at the bite in his words directed at Riley. She complies to his request, and he grabs some of his clothes off of the foot of the bed as if he’s going to leave. 

“Whoa, hold up, what are you doing,” Jack says, and Mac pulls out his IV. “Dude.” 

“I’m getting out of here,” Mac says forcefully. 

He knew this was a bad idea. He should’ve talked to Voight in private and then gave Mac the heads up himself. In a smoother way that wouldn’t have him ripping out his IV or feeling so guilty about it. 

He had to have been able to do  _ something.  _

“Like h*ll you are,” Jack says in rebuttal and rips the clothes out of Mac’s hand. It’s not often that Mac and Jack get into an actual heated argument, but when they do, it can be pretty explosive. 

“Get out of my way Jack.” 

“The bomb went off, there’s nothing you can do,” Riley says softly. 

She seems uncomfortable at the fight and concerned. Jay is too. The escalating argument is making him more and more anxious. When MacGyver gets his mindset on something, there’s not much you can do to change his mind. 

“Yeah, and where do you think the next one will show up, here. He’ll target the hospital and all of these people,” 

“Mason wants me,” he pointed out. 

“What do you suppose we do about that,” Jack adds, and sits back down, seemingly convinced Mac won’t run at this very moment. 

Riley sits down behind Mac, her hand rubbing his back as he collects himself. The care she seems to have for him feels familiar to him. He’s seen expressions like that. He’s  _ given  _ them. Like she’d do anything for him, and Jay knows Mac would do the same. 

Mac takes a breath before quietly saying, “Give me to him.” 

Jay’s stomach turns and he feels a surge of anger. There’s no way he’s gonna let that happen. He  _ won’t.  _ If anyone is going down on this case, it’s sure as hell not gonna be Mac. Jay won’t stand idly by and let Mac sacrifice himself. 

Not for  _ him.  _

It’s his job to  _ protect the kid.  _ Not the other way around. Jack glances at him when Mac says that, and they seem to be in a silent agreement that they are  _ not ever gonna let that happen.  _

“Or let me out of here to find him. Jack, I can’t sit here, not when I know he’s out there,” he adds. 

Jack tries to protest but Mac cuts him off. 

“No- he- he killed Charlie, and then he came after Jay. He wanted to kill Jay to get to me, I can’t just let him go after more people.” 

The blond looks at Jay after saying that, and his expression is filled with guilt. Jay’s heart aches for him. He’s also frustrated that this whole situation is happening. That he let this Mason guy get to him in the first place. 

He’s mad that Mac feels guilty about it. 

Jay’s hands squeeze into fists at his sides, and he bites his tongue to distract him from his anger and concern. Hailey notices his obvious anger gives him a reassuring glance, lightly touching his clenched fist with her gentle hands. He looks away, not wanting her to be concerned with him right now. 

“Too many people have died because of me. I have to be out there, I have to stop him, Jack,” he pleads. 

Jay feels the kid’s words in his soul. There were many deaths overseas that Jay was responsible for. Comrades, women, children. He’s been trying to atone for them ever since, he seems to keep doing more harm than good the past few years. 

Riley looks to be stricken by Mac’s words again and lays her head on his back. Jay hopes that her affection for Mac is enough to knock some sense into him. Jay isn’t close enough to them anymore for his words to mean as much. He understands that. He’s glad Mac has family like Jack and Riley. 

Mac glances over at Jay again, guilt weighing heavily on every aspect about him, saying, “This is my fault, it’s- it’s all my fault.” 

No. 

_ No.  _

None of this is on him. His guilt complex has always been enough to give Jay whiplash. And the Ranger knows that he himself could be a bit self-blaming too sometimes, but Mac doesn’t deserve this pain and  _ anguish.  _ The self-deprecating feelings he’s weighing down on himself for something that was in no way  _ his fault.  _

_ That’s it-  _

Jay can’t handle just laying here in this  _ stupid  _ hospital bed anymore. With Mac exuding so much guilt it makes Jay want to throw up. 

He moves his hand out from under Hailey’s, making sure to glance at her so she doesn’t think he’s rejecting her comfort, and pulls himself to the edge of the bed, wincing at the pinching sensation from his stitches. 

“Listen, and I’m… I’m only gonna say this once because it hurts like hell so don’t interrupt me,” Jay grates out, swallowing again to prepare his throat before talking again. “None of this is your fault. It’s on Mason, and Mason alone. Just because he’s got some vendetta against you doesn’t… doesn’t mean he has to become a murderer. That’s on him.” 

Mac looks unconvinced, which Jay expected, so he adds, “And I’m really not in the mood to ar-argue right now so just... chill out and we’ll talk about our next move.” The kid seems to deflate a little, with some of his usual nervous energy manifesting. 

Voight looks to Jay and nods, understanding his cue to explain things further. If they can get the ball rolling on possible angles, it should satiate Mac’s desire to do something. 

“We still have this guy’s partner in custody, and I’m having some of my other detectives heading back to the station right now to have a go at him. If he knows anything, we’ll get it out of him soon enough.” 

Jack’s face looks alarmed and he adjusts in his seat a little. 

“Wait, did you say partner? When did this happen?” The Texan asks, brows furrowed in confusion. Hailey pipes in to elaborate. 

“The guy that Jay and I were chasing through the warehouse, he had been spotted around several of the bomb sites and was an obvious suspect. Jay got into a scuffle with him when I got trapped in the room, but Ruzek was able to cut him off after he tried to escape.” 

Everyone seems to have gears turning in their heads as they try and process the information fully. 

“Sarge… as soon as possible, I want to take a run at him.” 

“Slow down there Halstead, you just came out of major surgery. It’s gonna be a little bit before you can get back in the game,” Voight tells him, crossing his arms. 

He knew that’s the answer he was gonna get. But he isn’t taking no for an answer. He understands that he can’t go right  _ now,  _ but he’s not going to sit this out for a week. He’ll stay until tomorrow if he has to, but if all goes well he can just hang out at the precinct and at least help work out all the possible angles. 

“All due respect, with Mason escalating this quickly, I don’t think we have a choice. I know I can’t  _ tackle any suspects _ for a while, but I need to do  _ something,”  _ he explains adding a raspy, “ _ Please.”  _

If this were five years ago, Voight probably would’ve suspended him for arguing or yelled at him. But he just sighs, gazing at Jay intensely. Jay continues staring back, no doubt oozing desperation. 

“Okay,” Voight relents, “But only if your brother decides to release you, and you stay  _ at your desk  _ unless I say otherwise.” 

Jay nods quickly. It’s more than he was expecting, so he’ll take it. 

“And one more thing,” Jay starts, “You let them in on the case.” 

Voight pauses a second to think, almost like he knows the silence before his answer is menacing. Jay knows Voight doesn’t like letting in outsiders, but if Jay can put in a good word he can get them in. He knows Mac won’t be satisfied without working the case. He would probably lose his mind. 

“Alright. But you guys get one thing straight: you follow  _ my rules.  _ You go against my orders or do anything to screw this up— you’re out.” 

**~~~**

Mac pushes his eyes to the floor unable to look at Jay anymore. He can feel Riley squeeze his hand as she pulls away from his back. He already misses the feeling of her pressed into him, the warmth she provided. 

He wants the guilt to go away. 

But then a part of him wonders if he deserves to be free of guilt. Free of pain. 

After everything that had happened, maybe he deserved this. 

He glances up a bit when he sees Jay moving. He seems less determined to escape and more determined to face Mac - which is even more unsettling. He doesn’t need someone else saying it isn’t his fault. It doesn’t change how he feels. 

Jay winces in pain as he sits up, likely from the stitches along his chest. It makes Mac feel even worse than he had before. He shouldn’t have gotten up in bed, Jay wouldn’t need to be pushing himself to the end of the bed if Mac had just stayed put. 

“Listen,” Jay begins. His voice sounds awful, and Mac goes to say something before he continues. “and I’m… I’m only gonna say this once because it hurts like hell so don’t interrupt me.” Jay takes in a deep breath. 

“None of this is your fault,” Jay tells him. It makes Mac angry to hear that. Jay didn’t know what he was talking about. He didn’t even know who Mason was. If he did, he would blame Mac too. Why wouldn’t he? 

Mac let Mason go… 

Mac was the reason Mason was dead set on revenge. 

Because Mac lived and his son was murdered. 

“It’s on Mason, and Mason alone. Just because he’s got some vendetta against you doesn’t… doesn’t mean he has to become a murderer. That’s on him.” Once again Mac goes to open his mouth but Jay cuts him off. “And I’m really not in the mood to ar-argue right now so just... chill out and we’ll talk about our next move.” 

He wants to protest or lash out, but he doesn’t need Jay fighting to talk more. He had already admitted that it hurt to speak. If he tried to protest that would just add to the pain. 

Sighing, Mac glances down. He feels Riley move off the bed and slides back. His legs dangle off the bed as he leans back on his hands. Showing Jack and the others that he won’t run. He glances up as Voight begins to speak. 

“We still have this guy’s partner in custody, and I’m having some of my other detectives heading back to the station right now to have a go at him. If he knows anything, we’ll get it out of him soon enough.” 

Partner? It made sense, Jay said they were chasing a suspect… But up till now, Mason worked alone. Who else was Mason working with? Was his vendetta getting worse? 

“Wait, did you say partner? When did this happen?” Jack glances at Mac and Riley before back at Voight. 

“The guy that Jay and I were chasing through the warehouse, he had been spotted around several of the bomb sites and was an obvious suspect. Jay got into a scuffle with him when I got trapped in the room, but Ruzek was able to cut him off after he tried to escape,” Hailey explains. 

Jack lets out a heavy sigh and Mac rubs his eyes a bit. Trying to block out the nerves welling up inside of him. He was tempted to run again, but now that Jay was moving and sitting up, he wouldn’t be surprised if Jay went after him. 

And even with stitches, the Ranger could take him. 

With Jack there was the reassurance that he wouldn’t hurt Mac, Jay on the other hand would knock him out if it prevented him from doing something stupid. 

He tries to think of who Mason would ask for help, but he doubted it was anyone Mac knew. Likely local criminals or people from Mason’s past that didn’t seem connected to this at all. 

Mason was smart, calculating. 

He wouldn’t trust just anyone. 

All thirteen bombs had been planned out, and who knows how long he’d been planning this. The other man was likely 100 steps ahead of Mac. 

He felt overwhelmed by everything that had happened, and he tried to keep himself in the present, but his mind was trying to escape. To make plans and fill in any information he didn’t have. 

What variable was he missing? 

“Sarge… as soon as possible, I want to take a run at him,” Jay says. 

_ Hypocrite.  _

Of course, Jay would want to get out of the hospital and try and find an excuse. 

Mac just expected him to wait at least an hour before doubling back on what he told Mac. 

Mac couldn’t help shoot a glare in Jay’s direction before glancing over at Voight as he spoke. 

“Slow down there Jay, you just came out of major surgery. It’s gonna be a little bit before you can get back in the game,” Voight tells him, crossing his arms. Mac couldn’t help a faint smirk, glad to know Jay was being put in his place like Mac was. 

“All due respect, with Mason escalating this quickly, I don’t think we have a choice. I know I can’t  _ tackle any suspects _ for a while, but I need to do  _ something,”  _ Jay says. “ _ Please.”  _

Mac doesn’t need the reminder that the man is getting more dangerous. 

And with people working for him, there could be a dozen people setting up bombs or Mason while he hides outside of town. 

He couldn’t take out every police precinct in the area before they even know what hit them. 

Mac glances down a bit and feels Jack look over at him with concern. He expects Jack is going to force him to talk about things once they’re alone, and he’s not looking forward to it. He doesn’t want to explain his paranoia. 

It’s bad enough Jack can even tell something is off. 

“Okay,” Voight finally determines “But only if your brother decides to release you, and you stay  _ at your desk  _ unless I say otherwise.” 

Mac can’t help scoff a bit. If Jay was going to be let out, so was Mac. He could at least breathe and speak without sounding like a dead man. 

“And one more thing,” Jay starts, “You let them in on the case.” 

Them obviously refers to Jack, Mac, and Riley, and he can’t help but smile faintly. As if they needed the Chicago police department to give them permission to track Mason. The truth was, if Matty decided, she could remove every police department from this case with one phone call. 

“Alright,” Voight agrees. 

Mac figures it’s best not to laugh at that, considering Jay still thinks he works at a think tank in LA. Though, working a case together may lead him to suspect the think tank may be a lie. 

“But you guys get one thing straight: you follow  _ my rules.  _ You go against my orders or do anything to screw this up— you’re out,” Voight finishes. 

Jack laughs. 

Mac and Riley both look over at him, and Voight straightens out, crossing his arms as he stares down at Jack. “Something funny?” he asks. Jack lets out a bit more of a laugh before pressing his lips together. 

“You really think Macgyver ever does anything he’s told,” Jack asks. “The only reason he’s not out that door is because there’s at least three people in this room that will stop him before he gets to it,” Jack points out. 

“Jack’s right,” Riley says slowly. “Mac is the only person smart enough to stop Mason and his methods are a bit- unorthodox. It’s how he works, it’s also how he’ll catch Mason.” 

Mac glances down a bit before giving Jack and Riley a grateful look. 

He’s unpredictable, his team knows that. 

More importantly, they trust that. 

“Improvisation is my thing,” Mac adds. “It’s what I’m good at, it’s what works for me,” he explains. 

Voight doesn’t seem convinced. More importantly, he doesn’t seem to like it. 

Mac doesn’t blame him. Thornton, Matty, heck even Jack back in the army, they were all the same way. Do as I say and follow orders. Improvisation is dangerous. 

But that’s the only thing Mac was good at. 

It’s the only way he knew how to stop Mason. 

“That doesn’t work for me,” Voight states. His stare being directed at Mac, which makes Jack get tense. 

“Well, we didn’t ask what works for you,” a female voice cuts in from the door. Voight steps aside and Mac smiles at who he sees standing there. 

“Get back in that bed, Blondie,” Matty demands. 

He doesn’t argue, sliding back and getting back into the bed. Doing his best not to wince at the movement of his leg. 

“Hank, it’s good to see you again,” she says. Mac can’t help but be confused as he stared at the two. Matty wasn’t kidding when she said she knew everyone. 

“I know how you like to keep a tight ship, but we’re on this case with you, and I hope we can work together.” She walks up to Voight. “My team will follow your orders, but you also have to give them breathing room, I think if you can do that we can catch Mason and take him down.” 

Voight hesitates for a moment before nodding, “Matty, nice to see you again. This is Detective Hailey Upton and-” 

“Jay Halstead,” Matty interrupted. “Son of Deirdre and Patrick Halstead, Younger brother to William, a doctor here at Chicago Med. This isn’t your first stint in the hospital for serious injuries and likely won’t be your last,” Matty says as she turns to Jay. 

Jay looks uncomfortable, but she doesn’t stop there. 

“75th Rangers Regiment, 3rd battalion of the US Army. You served with Mac and Jack during Mac’s last year of service before returning home for a stretch and going back for another short lived tour. Awarded two different medals for your time in the Korengal Valley. Upstanding guy, hard worker,” she says. 

Mac swallows a bit. 

“I looked into you when you requested Mac’s help. You can never be too careful,” she explains before looking over at Mac. The moment her eyes are on him, he can see the sympathy behind her eyes. 

“How are you doing, Mac, really,” she asks softly as she walks over to his bed. Mac wants to answer and say he’s fine, but he can’t. He can’t lie to her. She nods a bit, understanding his silence. 

“The good news is the more he sets off these bombs, the sloppier he, and whoever is working for him will get. We’ll get him,” she promises Mac before looking back at Voight. “Besides, we’re working with a dedicated team.” 

Mac nods a bit, swallowing before taking in a deep breath. 

Matty was right, Mason was bound to slip up, and when he did, they would get him. Mac wouldn’t let him get away again. 

He couldn’t. 

**_~~~_ **

Jack starts laughing and Jay sighs with a cringe. This isn’t going to bode well. 

“You really think Macgyver ever does anything he’s told? Jack asks incredulously. “The only reason he’s not out that door is because there’s at least three people in this room that will stop him before he gets to it.” 

“Jack’s right,” Riley agrees before continuing. “Mac is the only person smart enough to stop Mason and his methods are a bit unorthodox.” 

“Improvisation is my thing. It’s what I’m good at, it’s what works for me,” Mac explains, much to his chagrin. 

“That doesn’t work for me,” Voight states. His stare being directed at Mac, which makes Jack get tense. 

“Well, we didn’t ask what works for you,” a small woman says, stepping into the room. An expression of recognition crosses Voight’s face, so Jay assumes he knows who this lady is. 

“Get back in that bed Blondie,” she commands and Mac immediately listens. It’s enough to make Jay crack a surprised smile. She must be their boss that they’ve mentioned. 

“Hank, it’s good to see you again.” 

Well this is interesting. 

He’s not fully surprised. Voight’s always seemed to know everyone from everywhere. The shocked look on everyone else’s faces is priceless though, save for Mac who seems just as amused as Jay. 

“I know how you like to keep a tight ship, but we’re on this case with you, and I hope we can work together.” She walks up to Voight. “My team will follow your orders, but you also have to give them breathing room, I think if you can do that we can catch Mason and take him down.” 

He expects Voight to fire back, knowing how dead set the man can be on things, but instead, he just nods, relenting to her request. She must be a pretty stand up person for Voight to agree so quickly. 

It has nothing to do with power for Voight. She could be the president telling him to do something and if Voight didn’t want to do it, he would make it clear. With this woman, he clearly has a good amount of respect for her. 

“Matty, nice to you again. This is Detective Hailey Upton and-” 

“Jay Halstead,“ the woman, Matty, interrupts. Jay’s head snaps up at the mention of his name from her. He doesn’t like when someone he doesn’t know knows about him. 

“Son of Deirdre and Patrick Halstead, Younger brother to William, a doctor here at Chicago Med.” He clenches his fists at his sides again. “This isn’t your first stint in the hospital for serious injuries and likely won’t be your last,” Matty tells him and turns to face him. 

He looks down, clenching his jaw. He knows he’s not as open a person as he could be, but this is already too much. He gets it. She looked into him. Doesn’t mean she has to relay his whole life story. 

She still keeps going, even though it’s  _ enough already.  _

“75th Rangers Regiment, 3rd battalion of the US Army. You served with Mac and Jack during Mac’s last year of service before returning home for a stretch and going back for another short-lived tour. Awarded two different medals for your time in the Korengal Valley.”  _ Stop stop stop- _ “Upstanding guy, hard worker.” 

He scoffs. You can’t bring up the valley and call him upstanding in one sentence. 

“I looked into you when you requested Mac’s help. You can never be too careful.” 

_ oO//TW: blood & gore//Oo  _

_ It was sweltering out, the shade from the trees providing no help against the heat.  _

_ The civilians in the small village were not pleased with their presence, wanting them to stay away most of the time, even being combatant half of the time. Jay hated it. They were trying to help these people in a sense, from the rest of the Taliban.  _

_ Jay was stationed on a small ridge at the edge of the village, keeping his distance to be safe. A hand tapped his shoulder and his head whipped around to see a young boy, around ten years old, Hassan. The boy would come around every so often when it was a slower day and Jay would kick around a ball with him.  _

_ He was almost positive that his parents didn’t know he’d been spending his time with Jay, but he was grateful the kid was. Things could get pretty bleak in a place known as the Valley of Death.  _

_ Most of the adults speak a unique dialect that barely anyone understands, but some of them in this specific village speak Arabic, which Jay can understand most of. Hassan did too, which made it easier to communicate. His Pashto was better than his Arabic, but he still knew a fair amount.  _

_ He had the ragged makeshift cloth ball in his tiny arms and held it out towards Jay as a sign he wanted to play.  _

_ “Ah I see... turid 'an taleab laeb?” (You want to play a game?)  _

_ Hassan nodded fervently, smiling. For being in such a horrible place, the kid always seemed so bright and optimistic.  _

_ “Nem min fadlik!” (Yes please!)  _

_ He even said ‘please’, and it makes Jay’s heart melt. The kid stepped a ways away and they started kicking the ball back and forth. The kid was as smart as a whip and had the idea to use small rocks as indicators for where each of their goals were.  _

_ Jay made sure as they played that he remained aware of his surroundings. You had to be on guard at all times in the valley. He knew too many good men and women who died because they had their backs turned to the wrong person.  _

_ One particular kick from Hassan sent the ball flying past Jay. He made a shocked expression and looked back and forth between Hassan and where the ball flew.  _

_ “Whoa! You got some strong legs on you,” he said, smiling before translating, “Saq qawiat jayida.” (Good strong leg.)  _

_ Hassan giggled ferociously and Jay couldn’t help but smile again, ruffling the kids dark hair. He looked back where the ball had flown, seeing that it had fallen off the small ridge.  _

_ “Sa'aeud hala,” (I’ll be right back) Jay told the boy, looking around before hopping the few feet down to where the ball was. It had only rolled a little bit after falling so he leaned down and picked it up, tossing it between his hands.  _

_ All of the sudden he heard distant yelling getting closer and his stomach dropped. He pulled himself back up the shelf of dirt and rock and saw Hassan’s mother running up to the boy, a stricken look on her face.  _

_ She yelled something at him so fast he couldn’t understand before turning her attention to Jay. She looked furious at him. He just hoped Hassan wouldn’t get hurt because of him.  _

_ He didn’t have time to dwell on it before shouts erupted from the village and gunfire sounded off.  _

_ The village was under attack.  _

_ He shouldn’t have gotten so distracted.  _

_ Mouse ran up to him quickly from a side alley yelling, “Jay, heavy fire! We need to move!”  _

_ They flinched and ducked as the gunfire got louder and Jay’s first instinct was to get the mother and child to safety.  _

_ “Taeal maeay!” (Come with me!) He screamed, running toward them. She yelled something unintelligible back at him, backing away and pulling Hassan with her.  _

_ “Min fadlik, yumkinuni hamayatak-” (Please, I can protect you-)  _

_ He  _ **_needed_ ** _ to get them to safety— the gunfire was getting closer and Jay couldn’t stay there forever trying to get them away.  _

_ He had Mouse he needed to protect too.  _

_ He couldn’t wait to win her over so he ran forward in desperation to grab them. But he was too late. Hassan yanked his arm from his mother’s grasp so he could run to Jay, a gesture that Jay would’ve been thankful for.  _

**_Would’ve._ **

_ Gunfire sprayed at them, hot blood splattering his face from Hassan and his mother as they collapsed like rag dolls, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe.  _

**_No-_ **

_ One of Jay’s team members shot the hostile that had attacked them, and all Jay could do was drag the bodies out of the line of fire. He pulled them behind a tree, hand skimming over Hassan’s neck for a pulse, putting pressure on the many bleeding holes in the kid’s body.  _

_ “No no no- sh*t!”  _

_ It was futile. He knew.  _

_ A hole had been blown straight through the boy’s face, eyes wide and vacant on either side of the bloody cavern.  _

_ Jay bit down a sob at the sight of the small boy and his mutilated mother.  _

_ This was his fault.  _

_ He shouldn’t have gotten close to the boy.  _

_ Shouldn’t have let his guard down.  _

_ The look in his mother’s eyes… she knew. She knew he would be the death of them.  _

_ She was right.  _

_ Now their blood was pooling quickly under him, soaking his pants, and little pieces of their flesh were scattered everywhere and he was pretty sure there were bits of Hassan’s brain matter on his clothes oh G*d—  _

_ “Jay!” Mouse shouted.  _

_ Jay hadn’t even realized the younger man was at his side until he pulled Jay’s face away from the bodies and smacked his face to get his attention.  _

_ “It’s- it’s my fault- they were just there and I-I…”  _

_ He could taste their blood in his mouth. The salty metallic smell was overwhelming. It wasn’t the first time, it wouldn’t be the last, but it sure as hell would be the one he remembers the taste of the most.  _

_ The makeshift ball sat on the dusty ground in offendingly perfect condition. As if nothing had just happened. As if the boy who owned it would come back and play with it again.  _

_ He leaned over and threw up, not able to keep the disgust and revulsion at bay.  _

_ This was on him.  _

_ Their blood was on his hands, in every sense.  _

_ “Jay I’m sorry but we gotta go,” Mouse denoted, looking quickly around. Jay knew he was right.  _

_ He needed to shove his feelings away for now.  _

_ They still had a war to fight.  _

_ He ended up pulling three of their comrades to safety, including Mouse who had gotten a solid hit to the head and used his own body to block them from fire before opening fire on the hostiles and killing every single one of the terrorists that were cornering them.  _

_ There used to be six of them.  _

_ Two had died. Two of his friends would have still been here if Jay hadn’t have gotten so distracted and ignored his post.  _

_ And the last man on their team, Hollingsworth… he got taken. For entertainment or information or even as a bargaining chip— they didn’t know. All Jay did know was what they did to the Hajis that took him...what Jay did to them in his guilt and anger for being able to take one of their only other living comrades…. was unspeakable.  _

_ They gave him a medal of bravery for that rescue.  _

_ A medal he didn’t deserve, just because he blocked them from fire and all but butchered the terrorists that took his friend, silently almost hoping one of their bullets would take him too.  _

_ And the other medal… well he didn’t consider being a prisoner of war a feat that truly deserves a medal. It’s basically a pity medal for not dying.  _

_ It always struck him as ironic that they gave out medals for that when death was all he had hoped for in his captivity.  _

_ oO//End of TW//Oo  _

Jay snaps back to the present after who knows how long. It’s been a while since a flashback made him fully clock out like that. 

Matty is saying something about them being a dedicated team, but Jay is too unsettled to care. He hasn’t gone back to that specific memory in years. 

Not since Morgan. 

_ Same beautiful dark skin and unruly black hair and blood pouring out of their bodies.  _

He usually keeps it locked up tight, deeply buried behind all his other memories and experiences so he doesn't have to think about it so much. There are a select few, like that one, that he keeps down. 

Ones from his childhood that go even deeper. 

He stays sitting there, hands fidgeting nervously in his lap, pretending like he’s been listening this whole time. 

“I’m heading back to the station to brief the others and bring Matty in on the case officially,” Voight explains before turning to Jay and leaning a bit on the footboard. “You get some rest. Something tells me this case has a lot in store for us yet.” 

Jay glances over at the Sergeant and nods slightly, mouth pulled into a small frown. 

The Ranger feels the same way, unfortunately. This might be one of their most difficult cases yet. So much damage has already been caused, and they’ve barely even scratched the surface on finding the guy. 

Voight’s gaze lingers for a moment like he’s trying to get a read on Jay, but the younger man looks away, afraid of what the elder will find. He feigns checking the clock to look more natural, and Voight and Matty say their quick goodbyes. 

Matty makes sure to say some quiet words to Mac that’s too low for anyone else to hear, and Voight steps around the bed, placing his hand on the junction between Jay’s shoulder and the back of his neck. A rare gesture of affection from the man that he’s not used to. 

Jay looks back up at him then, to see Voight with a small fond smile. 

“I’m serious Jay. Try to get some sleep, okay?” He tells the younger man, giving the smallest bit of pressure to his fingers on Jay’s shoulder to reaffirm his statement. 

“Okay,” Jay finally replies and Voight looks away, softly clapping his shoulder before stepping out of the room. He can’t help but feel an odd sense of affection for the man who’s recently become an unexpected father figure. 

He looks over at Mac and can see whatever the woman said to him had affected him at least a little bit. He just hopes it was something reassuring. The kid could use it. 

Jay gently slides himself back to lay on the bed again and he looks over to Hailey who’s been sitting on the other side of the bed this whole time. This time he engages first, lightly touching her knee. 

“Thanks for always being here,” he says softly, gratitude dripping from his voice. “I- it means a lot. I would probably be dead a thousand times over without you here making sure I’m not doing anything stupid,” he adds with a touch of humor to try and prevent her from thinking too much into his meaning. 

He knows how heavy the words came out though. Knows that it wasn’t always outside threats that she saved him from. 

“You too,” she says, short but sweet, and it’s enough. 

It’s so very  _ them.  _

“You sure you’re okay?” She then asks, and he takes a heavy breath, not liking how shaky the exhale becomes. He wonders if she’s asking because of what he had said. 

His hesitation is noticeable by the time he comes up with a suitable answer. 

“I’m… I think I will be, yeah.” 

Her gaze is filled with concern once again, but she doesn't press him. Just puts her hand over his that’s resting on her knee, her heat seeping into his cold hand. 

She knows when to push and when not to. Like she knows exactly what’s going on in his brain without getting into all of the dark places where he doesn’t want her to ever be. 

Even though she’s barely scratched the surface about his past, and even though he’s tried so hard to push her out, she knows  _ him.  _

It’s one of the reasons he loves her. 

**~~~**

Mac can see that Jay has zoned out, a part of him wants to be inside the Ranger's mind, figure out what exactly he was thinking about. But, the other part of him knew just how dangerous the mind of a soldier was… and he was still dealing with the demons of his own mind. 

“I’m heading back to the station to brief the others and bring Matty in on the case officially,” Voight says after a moment. It makes sense, besides if Matty can get an update on what they know, she can send it to Mac. 

Though, Mac can’t help be a little disappointed at the thought of her leaving. Despite the fact that she refused to let him work for a month, it didn't mean she didn’t care for him. In fact, it was her care for him that made her keep her away. 

Mac can feel his muscles tense up, and he tries to bottle everything back up inside, but it’s obvious Matty senses his discomfort. She gives him that super concerned look that she gives him whenever he’s falling apart. 

“You get some rest,” Voight tells Jay, but Mac sees the look that Matty gives him and knows the request is one she has as well. He gives her a faint nod as Voight continues, “Something tells me this case has a lot in store for us yet.” 

It’s then that the tightness forms in his throat. 

He didn’t want to picture what the next few days or weeks would do to him. He was barely holding it together to begin with. 

His mind felt fractured and his emotions were out of control. 

He just wanted to catch Mason, he wanted him to suffer for what he had done. 

Who knows when the next bomb would go off, or who would be killed. It was like being back in war. One moment you’re walking down the street, and the next moment you’re thrown back because a bomb was triggered. 

_ “Now at this point, I was getting pretty ticked, he was just laying under the car taking his sweet time, oh and not to mention he can be a smart mouth,” Jack is telling the group. Mac can’t help fidget with the buttons on his uniform before looking at Jack, rolling his eyes.  _

_ “There was a bomb, and you wouldn’t stop complaining,” he points out.  _

_ “Anyways,” Jack huffs, dismissing the younger man’s words. “So the bomb makes a clicking noise and at this point, I’m ready to bail, well Macgyver here asks for my SAT phone, and gum. The kid defuses a bomb with tinfoil and a battery-”  _

_ “Oh come on, there’s no way,” Simmons chimes interrupted Jack.  _

_ Jay scoffs from the seat next to Mac, though Mac isn’t sure if it’s directed at Simmons or Jack. He likes to believe it’s directed towards Simmons.  _

_ “Actually, it is possible. All you have to do is-”  _

_ The sound that drowns Mac’s voice encompassed the entire vehicle as it was thrown off course. Mac lost count of the number of times it rolled when it finally stopped. His eyes opened as his mind processed what was happening. There must have been a trap bomb set along the path.  _

_ Mac isn’t entirely sure what’s pressing against his back until he realizes he’s halfway out the window. He can feel the glass against his skin, so ignoring shaking, he reaches up. Doing his best to grab at the damaged frame and pulled his back off the glass.  _

_ Despite the ringing in his ear, he could hear gunshots ringing out, along with the hazy muffle of a radio. Before he can process what to do, he feels his body being yanked inside the vehicle. Jack shelters his body from the window, protecting him from the potential of being shot.  _

_ “I thought you were dead, kid,” he said, embracing Mac for a split second, which made Mac wince a little. Jack pulls away before giving Mac a once over. “You okay?” Jack asks.  _

_ Mac takes in a deep breath before Jack shakes his shoulder a bit. The other man has a gash along the side of his face, covering most of it with blood. But other than that he seems alert and okay.  _

_ “Angus, are you good?”  _

_ “Yeah- Yeah I’m good,” he mutters. He’s trying to bring down the pounding of his heart as he gets himself focused on the present. There’s a rumbling of a second vehicle, one of the other men must have called for backup, and the second team wasn’t too far behind.  _

_ “We have to go,” Simmons says as their cover gets closer. The three men climb from the vehicle, keeping their heads down. Jack covers Mac as they make their way towards the other building. Gun firing and raining down on them. Simmons hops in first before Jack tries to shove Mac into the vehicle but Mac stops.  _

_ “Where’s Jay,” he asks. He turns to see the other man lying still in the dirt. Part of his body pinned under the upturned vehicle.  _

_ “I checked for a pulse, kid, he’s gone,” Simmons mutters slowly. Jack tries to get Mac’s attention, but the younger man slips from his grasp, without waiting for cover he runs back over towards where Jay lay. He ducks a bit as bullets rain down.  _

_ “Mac,” Jack shouts out at him, but Simmons has a hold on Jack, preventing him from running after Mac. Jack takes out his gun and begins to shoot at some of the hostiles that were trying to approach them.  _

_ “C’mon Jay,” Mac mutters. Pressing his two fingers towards the other man's next to try and feel a pulse. Simmons was right, there was nothing there. “Halstead,” he says desperately. He glances over at the vehicle and curses under his breath.  _

_ Jack promised Jay that Mac could get them through this mission, they weren’t even back to base and he was dead. Even if he still had a pulse, the weight of the vehicle…  _

_ Mac looked over Jay, the way his body lay in the sand. He couldn’t feel a pulse but that didn’t mean he was gone. Chances are he wasn’t getting enough oxygen, just enough to stay alive, but not enough to help create a steady pulse.  _

_ Without wasting a second, he begins to dig at the ground, loosening the hot sand under Jay. He manages to push some scrap metal under the vehicle to steady it. His hand burns from messing with the hot metal that had been baking in the desert.  _

_ Despite being advised against removing the one protection you have, Mac tosses his helmet to the side and removes his jacket. Taking out his pocket knife he cuts the fabric into a few strips and braids them together before tying them around Jay’s arm.  _

_ “Jack, get over here,” he shouts. Simmon nods, hinting to Jack that he and the other vehicle have the shooting covered before Jack runs over.  _

_ “What do you need,” he asks, obviously ticked that Mac had left his side.  _

_ “Get ready to pull Jay out, as soon as I say now,” Mac says. Jack nods, grabbing the makeshift ropes and bracing himself. “As soon as he’s out get him into the vehicle and start CPR,” Mac orders. He knows Jack hates the idea of leaving his side again but he doesn’t argue.  _

_ Mac digs at the sand before pushing his helmet under the metal. It’s strong enough Mac is able to use it to push the side of the vehicle up. “Now,” he yells as Jack begins to pull him from underneath. Mac can see the helmet cracking under the weight of the vehicle.  _

_ He’s prepared to try using his hands, but eventually, Jack gets Jay out and drags him across the sand, and pulls him into the vehicle.  _

_ Mac stands to follow before more gunshots ring out. One grazes his leg, which causes him to stumble a bit, but he’s able to jump into the vehicle next to Jack. Simmons jumps in behind them before the vehicle jerks forward.  _

_ Mac glances over, seeing Jack doing the chest compressions, but after a moment, he sees Jay take a deep breath of his own as he relaxes against the vehicle. His heart is pounding in his chest, and his whole body hurts from the blast.  _

_ Mac glances down at Jay, before he sits back, wiping the sweat from his forehead. He should have anticipated this. What’s the point of having an EOD tech with you if he’s so distracted by story telling to notice the traps laid out in front of them.  _

_ “You did good, kid,” Simmons says slowly. “I thought Halstead was a goner,” he adds. Giving Mac an encouraging squeeze. He lets out a small breath and nods.  _

_ They were alive, and in war, that’s all that mattered.  _

“Mac,” Matty says quietly. 

Mac looks up at her, and he can tell that something in his expression threw her off. She looks concerned - maybe even terrified. She quickly returns her expression back to a soft and comforting one, not wanting to startle him. 

“I’m fine,” he says immediately. He doesn’t know why, but he feels like that will help. Which is foolish because she immediately raises her eyebrow. 

His eyes trail over to the door, he sees himself standing there. His face looks pale, and his eyes dark, haunting even. It sends a shiver down his spine, and he can’t help but his eyes from glazing over. 

“No, you’re not,” she adds it forces his attention back to her. Her voice becomes low, he doubts Riley or Jack could even hear her speaking. “Ever since taking that psychotropic drug, something has been off,” she tells him. It makes his throat feel tight. 

Every instinct in his body is telling him to look away, to not let her see inside his mind. But, he knows in doing so it’d make her more suspicious and concerned. And the last thing he needed was for her to take him off this case. 

“I know you’re trying to hold it together, for the world, the team, even for yourself,” she continues. “But you’re holding on too much, and I’m worried about you. We all are.” He can feel himself suck in a breath swallowing deeply. 

He hates that she knows this, that she sees this. 

“I know that me saying this isn’t going to make you feel better, it probably won’t even make you open up to anyone, I just need you to know that I see it. I thought keeping you out of the field would help but it hasn’t. I don’t know what else I can do, but I want to help,” she says. 

Matty reaches out, taking his hand in hers. Causing Mac to suck in another deep breath. 

“Just promise me something, Macgyver, you won’t lose yourself. Don’t become Mason,” she begs. “Please, please don’t let him break you.” 

Mac can feel his free hand shaking a bit. Matilda Webber never begged, she demanded things. Seeing her begging for him not to break, it was enough to make him feel confused and disoriented. 

He didn’t know what to say, so instead he just nodded. 

“Okay,” Mac hears Jay say. It pulls him somewhat back to the present moment as Matty gives his hand a final squeeze. She then looked over at Riley, “I need you with me, you can come back after a briefing,” she tells her. 

Riley puts her computer away then gives Mac’s shoulder a faint squeeze before following Matty and Voight from the room. It felt like his safety was ripped away as they walked from the room. Mac can see Jay look over at him, and he hates being this exposed. 

It’s not until Jack takes a seat on the couch that it dawns on him he’s not actually alone. 

The team hadn't left him. 

Jay must be settling back into his bed because Mac can see movement from the corner of his eye. The silence of the room is filled as Jay and Hailey begin to speak. Mac can’t focus on what they’re saying. 

He can’t focus on everything. 

He shudders as he glanced towards the door, watching his shadow, staring at him. It’s unsettling, so he rolls onto his side, his back facing the door - and Jay - as he looks over at Jack. Who looks downright exhausted. 

Mac glances down, picking up a handful of paper clips that Riley had left behind and beginning to mess with them as his body sinks into the bed. He keeps his eyes averted from Jack, not wanting to look at the other man. 

He didn’t want Jack to worry. 

Usually, as long as his fingers were moving, he could pull himself from his thoughts. Focus on the task at hand. But, it wasn’t as effective now. It didn’t take away the flood of fear washing over him. 

Fear that he wasn’t enough. 

The fear, and the nagging feeling that someone he loved was going to get hurt. 

And it would be his fault. 

“Hey, man,” Jack says slowly. Mac hums a bit, to signify that he heard him, but doesn’t look up. Jack isn’t the brightest guy in the world, but he could always read the emotion behind Mac’s eyes. Sometimes, Jack could even pinpoint how Mac was feeling even when he couldn’t. 

“You know, avoiding eye contact doesn’t make me worry any less about you,” he says under his breath. Mac bites at his lip before slowly looking up at him. He can see the concern written across Jack’s face. 

“Listen, I wasn’t there when Mason killed Charlie, I should have been, but I wasn’t-” 

“Jack-” 

“Let me finish, C’mon man you know I hate being interrupted when I’m giving my sage old wisdom,” He adds. 

“It’s advice… Jack, the term is sage advice,” Mac mumbled. Jack doesn’t seem amused but nods a bit, correcting himself as he starts speaking again. 

“As I was saying, I am giving you some sage advice here,” the man pauses a bit before taking a deep breath. “You’re a tough kid, but when you fall, you fall hard. Whether it’s falling in love, or falling apart.” 

Mac knows he’s right, sure, he may not be the best at handling emotions or even understanding them, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel them strongly. It’s why Nikki nearly broke him. Her ‘death’ caused him to leave DXS for months until Thorton called him back to work. 

With codex, his fear and whatever else he was feeling nearly got him shot for treason. His inability to trust, feeling fractured with every decision he made. He was spiraling and could barely keep his head above water. 

He thought he bottled up all the death that surrounded him, all the guilt he had been feeling… then he was given a psychotic drug. Matty was right, it affected him. His mom, Lasky… his shadow self. It followed him out of his own mind. 

He was haunting himself. 

Then there was Desi, both times they broke up, he spiraled. Drinking and isolating himself, trying to keep busy while also crumbling. Letting his house get messy, the food in his fridge slowly disappearing until there was nothing but beer bottles. 

Then with Riley- 

He took in a deep breath, focusing as Jack continued, “Right now, Mac, you’re on the edge. You’re one strong wind away from being blown down. You gotta pull yourself up. Mason is- well everything I have read he’s one bad dude,” Jack says. 

Mac nods a bit, ‘bad dude’ was an understatement. 

“But we have a team of people- no  _ two teams _ of people that will handle this. Besides, give Riley 2 hours with their intel and we’ll have a lead,” Jack reminds. “So just… take a bit of time to step back from that edge, build a bridge, and we can walk to the other side,” he rambled. Losing track of his own metaphor. 

“You know like, you’re at the grand canyon and you want to like… get to the other side. It’s not like a cliff it’s like-” He begins to backtrack. 

“I get it,” Mac says, nodding a bit. Jack was right, he had to take a step back but he just couldn’t bring himself to do so. It’s like he was so fixated on getting to the finish line he wasn’t watching the road. 

Finally, his fingers stop moving. He had almost forgotten that he was even fidgeting, just letting his subconscious mind do the work while he listened to Jack. He glances down, spotting the two paper clips entwined and twisted together. 

Both were a silhouette of a human face and head, one, however, looked like it was being pulled from the other. It resembled one of those sketches from those with mental health issues, showing how it felt like they were being ripped into two separate entities. 

Jack noticed it too, and he must have thought the same thing because he suddenly went quiet. His eyes fixating back on Mac for a moment. Mac’s eyes slowly move to meet Jack’s and he sees the conflicted feelings swarming around Jack. 

He had no idea what he had been through. 

He would have noticed right away that Mac wasn’t right. The moment he first saw his shadow self Jack would ask what was wrong. 

He would have told him. 

Even now he wanted to tell him. 

“Take a step away from the edge man,” Jack says. His voice is wavering as he speaks, and Mac hates it. It’s not often Jack sounds like this. There’s only a few times he’s been this way. When there’s real dangers around that Jack doesn’t think he can handle. 

It happened with Murdoc. 

If he couldn’t protect Mac from it, it _ scared _ him. 

“I will,” Mac says quietly. 

He sees Jack is hesitant to trust him, and he gets it. 

He would be too. 

“Really, I will,” he promises. 

“And please, talk to someone. Matty, Bozer, Riley, Jay, honestly anyone, it doesn’t have to be me if- if you don’t want to talk to me about it. I understand if things are- are different now,” Jack tells him. It then dawns on Mac how Jack must be feeling. 

He’d been away for over a year, a year that in every sense of the word stripped Mac down and forced him to rebuild himself. Since Jack had been back they hadn’t even had time to talk, and it’s not like Mac gave him any information about things. 

“Jack, what do you mean?” 

“I just- I’m always here for you, even if you think we aren’t-” 

“Stop- Jack nothing’s changed,” he promised. “You’re my backup, I’m yours. Phoenix Foundation or not that won’t change,” he tells him. “It’s just… it’s not like it’s been the most relaxing 24 hours,” he tells him. 

“Yeah, we’ve had worse 24 hours,” Jack points out. “Remember that time in-” 

“Agadir, Morocco,” Mac smiles a bit. “Yeah it was almost as bad as-” he stops when Jack raises a finger to him. Mac lets out a faint laugh and nods, understanding what Jack meant.  _ Don’t bring up Cairo.  _

He doesn’t mean for it to happen, but no sooner does he let out a laugh does it fade as he begins to retreat back into his mind. Jack once again notices this and gives him a sad glance, but he doesn’t pressure him, which Mac is grateful for. 

After a moment the older man stands and pats his shoulder. “I’m gonna get more coffee and stop at the cafeteria. You try to get some sleep or rest, quit thinking so much,” Jack says slowly. He pats Mac on the shoulder before walking from the room. 

Mac shifts a bit, still avoiding looking at the door. It was like Schrodinger's cat. His shadow self may have walked off, but he also may still be standing there. Watching him. So instead, he laid on his back. Trying to calm himself again. 

Mac can hear Jay ask Hailey something, and he catches movement from the corner of his eye. He imagines she’s leaving, and he wonders if that’s what Jay asked her. Why would he want her to- 

_ Crap.  _

He wants to check up on Mac. 

He wants alone time to see if he would be okay. 

He was always like this. 

Reading your mind and then pulling out information you didn’t want to share. Before you know it he’s comforting you on things you didn’t plan on ever talking about. 

He had done this back in the army, got Mac to open up about his grandfather’s death, his father leaving, got him to talk about missing Bozer and his time at MIT. 

“Hey, Mac,” Jay says. 

Yep, here it is. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac opens up to Jay about some of the things he’s been through and more of Jay’s experiences in the army are revealed as the Ranger reminisces on his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam: Hey guys! Hope you enjoy this chapter. Also a small update: I had to rewrite a section of chapter one. The flashback to Mac’s birthday where Jay and Jack visited had to be changed. Emily and I realized it didn’t fit the timeline we have created. However, in its place is a flashback that’s similar, only it’s Jack and Jay visiting on the 4 year anniversary of his grandfather dying. You don’t have to but I’d love for you guys to check it out!
> 
> Emily: Also this chapter is a bit heavier, but I made sure to put a trigger warning before the darkest part. I’ve been a bit anxious about posting this chapter because of the level of brutality, but I really wanted to portray some of the darker aspects of war.

Something’s off with the kid. 

Now that things are settling down and the team seems to be heading out, Jay can see Mac withdrawing into himself. He can tell the kid has developed some serious issues, some Jay recognizes from himself. 

Mac has always been an anxious kid with a bleeding heart and a knack for self blame, but now there’s something… _off._

A darkness surrounding him. 

Jay’s felt that darkness before. Too many times. It’s unsettling to see it happen to someone who’s usually so bright and energetic. Mac has slipped onto his side, facing away from the rest of the room, and in turn, Jay. 

The Ranger tries not to feel responsible for the younger man’s change in position. 

Jay looks up at the ceiling, unable to stop the unsettling feeling that something is wrong. How much has he missed? How much could he have prevented if he had been there? 

Before, overseas, Jay was there when Jack couldn’t be. There were times where their CO needed Jack’s delta team for a short side mission and Jay took full responsibility for Mac’s well-being in his stead. That included protecting him outside threats, _and_ inside ones. 

It seemed when Jack wasn't around, a lot of the other guys took that as an opportunity to mess with the kid since Jack wasn’t there to stop them. 

It’s their mistake that they didn’t realize Jay had his back too. 

oOo

_“Hey what happened?” Jay asked, grabbing the kid’s arm, who had just stormed by obviously upset._

_“Nothing.” Mac told him firmly, but Jay wasn’t having it._

_“Bullcrap. Tell me what happened or I’ll find out myself.”_

_The younger soldier sighed heavily in frustration, his apprehension palpable as he hesitated to explain. He looked straight into Jay’s eyes gauging his chances and realizing the Ranger wouldn’t budge. He released a heavy breath again, pinching the bridge of his nose._

_“Chavez was just being his usual self.”_

_Chavez’s ‘usual self’ usually consisted of him doubting Mac’s abilities and ridiculing him for everything he does. After his time there, he learned never to do it with Jack or Jay around, but the latter knew that it still went on._

_Hearing that it was enough to make the usually compartmentalized kid outwardly show his agitation made Jay’s blood boil._

_“Where is he?” Jay asked sharply, eyes darting around camp for the b*stard._

_“Just leave it. It’s fine-”_

_“It is not_ **_fine,_ ** _Mac. The guys an a**hole and I’ve been dying for an excuse to let him know,” Jay gritted out and pulled Mac aside by one of the tents. “What did he do?”_

_“He just… I was trying to fix something and he grabbed me and told me not to mess with it. To go ‘find something else to screw up’.”_

_Hot anger rolls through him. Mac already had enough issues with feeling like he was a burden always ruining things, something Jay himself achingly struggled with since childhood._

_“What do you mean he ‘grabbed you’? How?”_

_Mac looked around before begrudgingly rolling up his sleeve to reveal a red hand-shaped bruise encircling his forearm. Yeah that’s unacceptable. He let out a humorless laugh that usually manifested when his anger was overflowing and he needed to ease off some of the pressure._

_Another way to release it is laying out Chavez like the dog he is._

_“Ohoho… yeah. I’ll take care of it,” he told the kid with a large predatory smile._

_“Jay… please don’t do anything stupid,” Mac pleaded. He was probably embarrassed this was happening in the first place, Jay got that. It was the same thing with bullies in school when a parent would find out and say they’d report it to the principle._

_It never helped. It only ever made things worse._

_But Jay knew how to deal with it in a way that would work._

_“Me? Stupid? Of course not,” he intoned. “Just know that you do great work and Chavez has no idea what he’s talking about.”_

_Mac rolled his eyes, and Jay headed off around the tent, his smile dropping in favor of his quickly growing rage as soon as he was out of sight._

_He waited._

_Waited until it was dark and everyone was off doing their own thing during free time. He had to be careful about this, else Chavez could report him._

_So he hid in the shadows inside the man’s tent next to the entrance flap and_ **_waited._ **

_Jay heard him laughing it up with some of the other guys. It made him cringe with disgust. Why the jerk even enlisted in the first place baffled him. He didn’t have a chivalrous bone in his whole body. Only ever alienated and belittled everyone around him and ‘had an ego the size of Texas’ as Jack would say._

_He heard Chavez approach the entrance of the tent and then saw him come inside. As soon as the man entered and let the flap close, Jay lurched forward and wrapped his arms around the man’s neck in a tight chokehold. He struggled against Jay’s hold but the man was three inches shorter than Jay and had no chance against the strength of the Ranger’s fury._

_“Calm down- calm down,” he warned, but Chavez kept struggling. “_ **_Stop. Moving,_ ** _” he veered out and tightened his hold to punctuate his command. “You know why I’m here.”_

_Chavez huffed out quick breaths and almost started struggling again but he must’ve thought better of it._

_Jay used his free hand to yank the man’s head to the side by his hair and leaned in right next to his ear saying in a low voice,“If you say anything less than civil to MacGyver ever again or lay a single finger on him they will never find your body. Not even the Commander himself will discover what happened to you because you’ll be in so many pieces they could mistake you for dirt, do you understand?”_

_The weasel didn’t acknowledge his question so he tightened his grip again._

_“Do. You. Understand?” He said more forcefully right into his ear. Chavez nodded frantically, eyes wide with terror. “And if you tell anyone about this, if you even_ **_think_ ** _about reporting me or him, I’ll tell them what you did in Kunduz. Sound good?”_

_He nodded again, face beet red from the force of Jay’s hold._

_“Good boy,” Jay smiled and released the man from his grip, causing him to fall to the ground coughing and wheezing. Jay already slipped out the back of the tent by the time the guy turned around and headed back to where he knew Mac was hanging out._

_As soon as he saw the blond tinkering with some random device outside in cool night air by the rec area, he smiled softly. That kid is too good for this world._

_“Hey, whatcha messin’ with over here?” He asked as he grabbed a beer from a cooler they kept stashed nearby. It’s not against the rules to drink off duty as long as it's in moderation and Jay really needed a drink right then._

_Mac’s face lit up as he started to explain his modification to enhance the range of his radio and Jay ruffled his hair as he walked over, sitting in a nearby chair._

_The kid had been through too much in his life already, Jay decided to make it his goal to lighten the load._

oOo

It seems he was in a similar position once again. 

He knows Jack was there for a while with Mac for a while, but from what he gathered, the older man hadn’t been around too much the past few months. Considering how long it took for them to get to Chicago after Jay had called him, he can only gather that Jack wasn’t in the LA area at the time. 

They say they work for a ‘think tank’ but he’s 99% sure that’s total and complete BS. Plus there were other occasions where Jack said he was a bathroom tile salesman, which is a bit of a conflicting answer unless he works at _both_ jobs. 

Plus there’s no way in hell that Jack ‘please let me punch him’ Dalton decided to settle down and sell _bathroom tile._

He sees Mac out of the corner of his eye, restlessly turn onto his back again, making a quiet breath of frustration. 

“Everything okay?” Hailey asks quietly, leaning forward a little and obviously noticing his distraction. He shifts in the bed a little, brow furrowing in thought and discomfort. 

“Yeah, could you uh… could you give us a few minutes?” He requests, nodding his head toward Mac’s bed in denotation of his meaning. 

She glances over at the blond’s bed before a knowing look crosses her face and she nods back, brushing her fingers on his hand before standing. 

“I’ll go get some coffee,” she tells him with a small smile, works heavy with the underlying meaning of him having a short while to talk. 

“Bring me some,” Jay requests, before she smiles back smugly. 

“Yeah Will says no caffeine, or liquids over 120 degrees…” 

“Okay what about… iced... _decaf_ coffee?” 

She gives him a jokingly exasperated look at his desperation and shakes her head, heading out the door. Befores she fully leaves, she leans back in the doorway saying, “I’ll bring you back some vitamin water,” with a smug grin. 

Jay rolls his eyes good naturedly before pointing at her and saying, “Make sure it’s-” 

“Strawberry lemonade flavor- I know,” the blonde finishes for him, and heads out into the hallway. A smile lingers on his face as she walks away, filled with affection at their closeness. As soon as she’s out of sight though, he sobers almost immediately. 

He doesn’t always enjoy confrontation. Physical confrontations are fine. No talking, just a back and forth bout of combat that he can clear his mind and focus on. 

Bringing up people’s issues and addressing them though... He hates it enough when it happens to _him_ so he knows how they feel. He looks over at Mac, seeing the apprehension clear on his face. 

He knows what’s coming. The kid always was too perceptive. 

“Hey, Mac…” he starts. 

His voice is still shot, but it’s a bit easier to talk without coughing every five seconds. 

“Listen… I know you probably want to bottle this all up, you know I of all people understand that, but I can see how much you’re struggling. I don’t know what’s happened since I got back that second time and… fell off the radar… but if you need someone to talk to that’s not… well… _like Jack_ who will freak out with every little thing you say _,_ you know I’m here.” 

He pauses, waiting for a response before deciding to continue a bit more, swallowing at the emotion rising thick in his throat. He curses himself for getting emotional like this. He steels himself, pushing it all down. Mac needs an impartial listener that won’t crumble in five seconds. 

“I know that look. That anger. At yourself for being so _damaged_ or whatever the hell you think of yourself, and at everyone else for being so d*mn worried about you that you just wanna send your fist through a wall,” he explains. 

He’s almost surprised at himself for how much he’s giving away in service of helping Mac. Even if he’s saying to help the kid, this is the most he’s talked about his own feelings. 

“I’m here, man. Just… tell me what’s been goin’ on so I know what to do.” 

**~~~**

“Listen…" Jay begins. Mac doesn't look at him. A part of him hoping if he keeps his eyes fixated on the roof Jay won't continue. That he would see Mac didn’t want to talk and would decide to make a joke then go back to being quiet. 

But it didn't work in Afghanistan, and it wouldn't work now. 

Jay was never someone to give up, especially when it came to people. Most of those in Mac’s life cared for the people they knew. The families they had made. However, Jay cared too much about too many people. It didn’t matter who you were, he cared. 

"I know you probably want to bottle this all up, you know I of all people understand that,” Jay says. At least he’s not being entirely hypocritical. At least he gets that Mac doesn’t want to talk. But it still doesn’t change how uncomfortable Mac feels, and it doesn’t stop Jay from continuing. 

There is a slight pause before Jay continues with what he is saying, “but I can see how much you’re struggling." The words make Mac's jaw tense. 

It makes him feel weak. 

He couldn't hide the fact he was falling apart and he hated it. 

It was bad enough those he was close to could tell. With one look Bozer would know something was off. Or Jack could see he wasn’t doing good because of where his eyes were focused. That Matty could see he was bothered by his posture. 

People he spent years working with could see what was going on, but that was expected. Stacking up the near death experiences and constant missions, it was needed even. They had to have a basic understanding of each other. But the fact that Jay, someone he hasn't spoken to in years could see how messed up he was… 

It just proved Mac couldn’t handle things. 

He couldn't handle the pressure anymore. 

He was broken. 

“I don’t know what’s happened since I got back that second time and… fell off the radar… but if you need someone to talk to that’s not… well… _like Jack_ who will freak out with every little thing you say _,_ you know I’m here,” Jay says. 

Mac looks over at Jay for a split second, risking seeing the shadow version of himself, still standing by the door. And sure enough, he was still there…. 

Lingering. 

Mac glances back up at the ceiling, shivering slightly at the thought of his shadow self still being there. He can hear Jay swallowing a bit, and can tell the other man is getting emotional. Which is something else Mac doesn’t need. 

Mac presses his jaw together as he fixes on the roof. He didn’t want to talk, he didn’t want to be in the hospital. He wanted to be standing in front of prison bars, staring at Mason being locked away for the rest of his pathetic and miserable life. 

“I know that look,” Jay says after a moment, as if he had been studying Mac’s expression. The way it changed into something darker than what it had been before. As if he could read Mac’s mind, understanding how much hate had built inside of him. 

“That anger,” he adds. Mac bites down on the inside of his cheek as Jay continues. “At yourself for being so damaged or whatever the h*ll you think of yourself,” he says. Mac can feel his breathing getting heavier at the word. 

He just wants Jay to stop. 

_Shut up, please._

Mac tries to zone him out, but the other man’s voice seems to seep through despite his trying to ignore it. “And at everyone else for being so d*mn worried about you that you just want to send your first through a wall,” he says. 

Mac’s eyes trail over towards Jay as he speaks, it sounded so personal. 

Was that why Jay stopped responding to Mac? The anger and memories from war built up, causing him to shut out. And when he finally crawled out of the hole he fell in, did he expect Mac to be angry at him? Did he feel guilty for shutting him out? 

Did Jay believe he didn’t deserve forgiveness? 

That somehow Mac blamed him for hurting… 

Mac can feel his own emotions piling up, but he d0esn’tt know what to think of them. He never does. Was he supposed to ask Jay about his own emotions that were written across his face, or try and deflect having his own emotions? 

“I’m here, man. Just… telling me what’s been goin’ on so I know what to do.” 

Jay’s offer is sincere, and he knows that. 

And gosh does Mac want to let everything go. 

Months, no, a year of built up stress and anger and frustration. He just wants to let it all go. To move on. To tell Jay every single thing that had happened to him, that he had been through. 

He wants to admit to the things he hid from the team. How messed up he felt after dealing with Murdoc, the guilt he still feels for Bozer working with The Phoenix Foundation. The anger he feels at Desi for leaving him when he needed someone, _twice_. 

His complete overwhelming anger at Russ for lying to him about Codex, and his frustration with Matty for putting him on the bench. 

His anger at his father… for leaving him. 

_Again._

He wanted to let every single thing go and be comforted. Told that it was okay to be mad or upset. But he didn’t deserve that, he deserves to suffer for everything he had done, everyone who dies because he couldn’t save them. 

“It’s nothing,” he says after a moment. Swallowing down his emotions… his demons. “Just a little messed up from the explosion, you know what they feel like,” he adds. He prays Jay buys it, that he let’s it go. 

But, the look on the other man’s face tells Mac that he’s not buying it. Jay raises an eyebrow and Mac lets out a small sigh. “Jay I don’t-” he begins, but Jay continues to look at him expectedly. 

“Fine,” Mac grumbles after a minute. He sets the small paper clip image he created onto his lap before pulling himself up, so he was sitting up completely. Scratching at the new IV the nurse had given him before his eyes trail over towards the door again. 

His shadow stares at him, watching his moves before he steps away, walking from Mac’s sight. Though, he doesn’t feel like he left him, not permanently anyways. Mac takes a shaky deep breath before he looks back over at Jay. 

He’s looking at Mac with pity, like he was a kid. 

Just like Afghanistan. 

He knows Jay didn’t mean for it to be insulting, it’s his natural expression. Concern and care. Even as a soldier Jay couldn’t hide those aspects of his personality. He was always too concerned for his own good. 

“Alright listen Halstead, if I’m gonna talk to you, you gotta change what you’re doing with your face,” Mac states. Jay seems confused for a split second but nods, making sure he’s looking less like a sad puppy. 

When Jay looks less overwhelmingly concerned for Mac’s wellbeing, Mac takes a deep breath. He figured that the best place to start would be Mason, since he was the most relevant threat. Besides, maybe after talking about Mason, Jay would let the rest of it go. 

“I learned who Mason was over a year ago,” he says slowly. “I was asked by an old army buddy, Charlie, to come help with a bomb. After I arrived, Mason took Charlie, locked him in a trapped elevator,” he says. 

Mac can’t help lick his lips a bit as he glances down. “But Mason has a second bomb connected to it, but that one was under a vastly populated building. He told me-” Mac paused. Taking a deep breath as he tried to block out his emotions. 

“He told me to choose, Charlie, or innocent people. I um-” Mac took another deep breath. “I had an hour, and I did… I did everything I could think of to fix the problem. To save them all… but I failed,” Mac tells him. His voice is wavering as he thinks back to that day. 

“After the hour, Charlie made the decision for me and made sure his trap was- was set off.” 

oOo

_“Plans a no go huh?” Charlie asks._

_How do you tell someone who is counting on you that you’re a complete failure? That their life was in your hand and you kept coming up with nothing that could help. That they would die because you couldn’t do your job_

_“ Just uh, give me a minute,” Mac says. He wishes there was more time, that he could bargain something, anything to change what would happen. That he could contact the bomber, bartering his life for Charlie’s. That he could trade places with the other man._

_Charlie deserved to live._

_Mac, he could give his life now, and nothing would change._

_But if the world lost a man like Charlie..._

_“I don’t have…” Charlie sighs a bit “...a minute to give. If the roles were reversed and you were in here, what would you do?”_

_Mac knows the answer, but he doesn’t want to admit it. He’s an acceptable loss but the people he loves aren’t. “I’d figure a way out,” he says quickly._

_He always figures a way out. He could always get the people he cared for out of harm's way and make it right, why couldn’t he do that now? Why hadn’t he checked over and over for a better way to save Charlie. He should have known there would be a catch._

_He should have made a deal when the bomber called._

_“What if there is no way out? What would you do? I think we both know the answer, man,” Charlie tells him._

_He’s right. Mac would give his life without a second thought if it meant others would live._

_He was expendable._

_“Promise me one thing, You got Peña's killer, get mine.”_

oOo

Why couldn’t he keep that promise? 

Why couldn’t he fulfill Charlie’s last wish? 

Mac does his best to wipe the tear from his eyes as he tries to block out the memory of the elevator crashing to the ground. As he tries to forget the sound of the metal screeching, the explosion going off… and seeing his body of his friend being removed from the rubble. 

“We learned it was Mason,” he continues, clearing his throat a bit. “He had it out for my dad, so decided to make me pay for it,” he tells Jay. He decided not to give the details of why, he didn’t want to admit that all of this was happening because he was alive. 

Because he was somehow some invaluable asset. 

“Fast forward to a… complicated situation, my dad died, Mason was there. I let him go because I thought with my dad gone he would give up his payback mission, then I found my dad’s pocket knife and a note from Mason when I was defusing the bomb.” 

Mac looks down a bit more before clearing his throat. “Jack always said there hasn’t been a bomb I can’t diffuse if I was given the chance… but with Mason, he’s smarter than me, he sets traps, he prays on the weak and vulnerable.” 

Mac slowly forces himself to look up before he glances back at Jay. It was hard to look at the other man, and he had to force himself to meet Jay’s eyes. 

“He’s better than me,” he says slowly before pressing his eyes shut. “I can usually know what people will do next, I can calculate the most likely move but with Mason it makes no sense. I can’t get inside his head.” 

Mac looks away from Jay as he glances towards his leg. “And I should be out there right now, finding him, I haven’t done anything useful at work in a month, and now I have the chance to find Mason and I’m stuck in a hospital because I didn’t expect a second bomb.” 

Jay’s still silent, probably trying to process the information Mac had given him. “I was so distracted I missed the trap, and the second bomb. Mistakes like that get people killed. I know this from war, from work-” he stops himself. 

“You know, mix the wrong chemicals in a lab and it’s… bad,” he mumbles. Hoping Jay overlooks the clear fact that he doesn’t work at a think tank. “I just can’t seem to focus and it's causing mistakes. And I can’t afford to have one of those mistakes hurt someone.” 

Mac feels the way his hand trembles, the way his heart seems to pound in his chest as he speaks. A part of him wishes he hadn’t realized there was a second bomb until it was too late. 

“I thought-” he sighs slowly. “I thought after I left Afghanistan I wouldn’t see this stuff anymore,” he says slowly. It’s not entirely true, shortly after leaving the service, Jack showed up at his door with a job offer. 

oOo

_“Now, Mac, you can absolutely tell me no, but I know what you can put that big brain to use for, come work with me,” Jack said._

_“I miss you man, but I’m sure being a bathroom tile salesman is really for me,” Mac answered as he set the box down on the counter. After the war he moved into his grandfather's old house, most of his stuff already there, but Bozer was now coming to live with him._

_The other man had convinclty got all his stuff into the driveway before he had to go home cause he ‘forgot’ something. Leaving Mac and Jack to unpack the boxes themselves._

_It was already paid off, spacious, and closer to work opportunities._

_“Are you gonna help me unpack or just try and convince me to use math to get you to meet your sales quota,” Mac chuckles a bit._

_“The job isn’t selling tiles, Mac. Look at me, you really think I’d be content with that? Anyways, I told them I knew the perfect man for the job,” Jack says. “I can’t give you details, but it’s good work. Work I think you’ll be good at,” he tells him._

_Jack pauses a bit, glancing down before looking up to meet Mac. “ Truth is I was asked to switch jobs, and I want to, but only if you’ll be my partner.”_

_Mac turns to look at Jack, leaning against the fridge. He wasn’t sure he should accept a random job offer from Jack. Of course he trusted the other man with his life but Jack was a wild character. Who knows what the job would be._

_“You joined the army because you wanted to do good, to save lives. This job is just like that, but a lot less red tape. It’s good work, it saves lives, and yeah it’s dangerous, but you’ll love it. You’ll be able to travel and use that big brain of yours in the real world” he says slowly._

_Mac watches the other man for a moment, waiting for him to cave and tell him more information, but Jack seems very insistent on keeping quiet. Mac knew Jack wasn’t good at secrets, so the fact he was tightly sealed on this… it was enticing., and Mac couldn’t help smile a bit._

_“I know that smile,” Jack points out._

_“You say I’ll be helping people?” Mac inquires._

_“Absolutely.”_

_“And it’s dangerous?”_

_“Extremely, but I’ll be your backup.”_

_Mac pushes himself off the fridge, taking a deep breath as he stares at the other man intently._

_“ If you’re interested, there’s already a meeting set up. I had to meet with the new boss and told her if you were interested I’d bring you with… we’ll just have to get in the car and drive there.”_

_Mac goes silent for another moment as he contemplates the options that he had in front of him._

_He could stick with his plan, move into his home, get a small job and set aside money until he could go back to MIT. Once he graduated, he could get an engineering job, create things, go back to a lab and enjoy knowing he went to war, and he saved lives while he could. He could live a calm, quiet life._

_Or, he could agree to work with Jack again. Be dragged from place to place, doing dangerous things and potentially losing his life. He could be thrown into a world he had no idea about._

_One of the options was clearly safer, more predictable and comforting. But would he be able to look back at the end of the day and be proud of what he had done?_

_Would he really be content with the normal life?_

_Mac grabs his jacket and keys from the counter before looking over at Jack. “Wouldn’t want to keep the potential boss waiting, let’s go,” Mac smiles._

_“That’s my boy!” Jack says happily. The two let out a laugh before Jack pats his shoulder. “C’mon, you’re gonna love it,” he says as they make their way from the house. Locking the door behind them._

oOo

Mac looks down a bit as he scratches at his IV, deciding it was best to leave it alone. He can feel the faint throbbing in his leg from his attempted breakaway earlier. He can still feel Jay’s eyes on him, waiting for him to finish his thoughts. There’s a series of comments Jay has bottled up. Trying to determine what would help Mac out the most. 

But Mac isn’t sure he can. 

He doesn’t know what the other man can say that the team hasn’t already told him. 

Mac swallows a bit before forcing himself to lock eyes with Jay’s. Jay is slightly fuzzy from the buildup of water, but Mac blinks it clear before taking another deep breath and deciding to finish his thought. 

“But with Mason, it’s just a reminder I’ll- that we’ll always be soldiers.” 

**_~~~_ **

“It’s nothing,” 

Oh that’s rich. Like he hasn’t heard that one a _million times._

“Just a little messed up from the explosion, you know what they feel like,” MacGyver adds. 

Jay gives him a clear look that he knows it’s BS. They’ve been through plenty of explosions, some much worse than this, and never was the reaction anywhere near to _this._

“Mhm,” he intones sarcastically, brow raised in challenge. 

“Jay I don’t-” the kid cuts himself off, obviously realizing there’s no avoiding it. “Fine,” he concedes, finishing his tiny paper clip creation. 

Jay had missed those. 

He remembers finding them all over camp back in the day. He even still has a few that he’s kept over the years. Just like with his crazy improvisational skills, some of the other guys found his nervous ticks annoying, whereas Jay found them really cool. 

At first he probably just had an inclination towards liking them just to spite the a**holes who were jerks to the kid, but they really seemed to help Mac focus and they looked pretty sweet afterwards. 

The Ranger knows _he_ could never make something like that with just a paperclip. 

Mac shifts on the bed, dragging himself so he’s sitting up. Probably doesn't want to feel so vulnerable by laying down. Sitting up, but not angling himself towards Jay gives clear signs of wanting to remain in control of the situation and not feel so exposed. 

Jay has the urge to do the same, if not just to avoid laying in this dumb hospital bed like an invalid for any longer, but he decides to stay laying down for now, giving Mac a subconscious sense of security by seeming less imposing- 

_Stop over-analyzing him like a suspect. Just listen._

He’s always had trouble turning that off. 

But when Mac is in front of him looking this troubled, dogged with guilt and other tumultuous negative feelings, Jay can’t help but unconsciously go into observation mode to glean any more bits of information on what the guy is thinking. 

In a sense, knowing what Mac is thinking is _his_ way of gaining control and feeling less vulnerable. If he knows what someone is going to say or do, he can prepare for it and react accordingly. 

The army taught him to always be prepared, being a detective helped him learn to make that easier. 

Even though he’s trying to turn it off, he can’t help but notice how distressed and apprehensive Mac is. Whatever’s happened these past years had to have been pretty bad. 

“Alright listen Halstead, if I’m gonna talk to you, you gotta change what you’re doing with your face,” Mac tells him, gesturing vaguely towards him. He realizes he was so focused on Mac’s expressions that he hadn’t schooled his own. 

He probably mistook Jay’s observation and sympathy as pity. 

He fixes his expression back to indifference, noting to keep it in check for the rest of the conversation. Mac will only close off more if he thinks he’s being pitied. Jay is determined to worm the information out of him, but on the kid’s terms. If you try and push too much they’ll get defensive and slam up their walls. 

He knows because he’s been on the other end of it. 

oOo

_The incessant knocking was driving him insane._

_He just wanted to be alone. Why couldn’t Mouse understand that? He just needed some time to figure things out. Time to… contemplate his next course of actions. He curled up, his beard poking into his chest as he pulled the blanket tighter around him and covered his ear with the pillow._

_Maybe if he didn’t answer Mouse would think he’s not there._

_“I know you're there Jay, I saw your bike parked out front,” he shouted through the door._

**_D*mn motorcycle._ **

_He should’ve parked in the garage across the street._

_He didn’t have the energy to get up and go to the door. Didn’t have the energy to yell at Mouse to let him wallow in his self pity in peace._

_Mouse pounded on the door again yelling, “C’mon man just lemme know you’re alive in there.”_

_That struck him. The guilt started to rise as he realized how scared Mouse could be. What if Mouse came there because he needed his help? If Mouse came with a problem but kept it to himself because Jay was too busy feeling sorry for himself?_

_He dragged himself up off the floor where he had been sleeping— the bed being too soft— and scratched his beard. When was the last time he shaved? Or even seen Mouse? He wasn't even sure what day it was, or how long he’d been there._

_He tried to shove down the memories of last time he woke up not knowing how long it had been, curls of hair becoming unruly and beard thick on his cheeks, the pain in his wrists where the shackles dug in—_

_The pounding made him flinch and duck._

_They were killing his friends._

_He failed. He couldn’t do something that was_ **_so simple_ ** _and they were getting killed because of him._

_He heard the door open and dove to the floor sitting next to his bed. He curled up, knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around his head to block out the screams. Thumping footsteps echoed through the floor, getting closer. He squeezed his eyes shut, breaths nothing but short hiccuping gasps as he rocked back and forth._

_They were coming for him again because he couldn’t do it he needed to_ **_keep standing NO PLEASE HE CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE—_ **

_“Jay!”_

**_They know his name they can find his family—_ **

_A hand touched his arm and he was ready to fight them that time. He needed to_ **_escape._ **

_He lunged forward and punched his abductor before skittering away._

_“La 'aerif shayyana!” (I don’t know anything!) He screamed in Arabic._

_The terrorist was in front of him and he tried to lash out but the man dodged his attempt and wrapped his arms around the Ranger from behind, trapping his forearms against his chest._

_He was pinned. He couldn’t protect himself he was trapped—_

_“Alnuzul!” (Get off!)_

_“Jay it’s okay- you’re okay- it’s Mouse!”_

_Mouse._

_Mouse wasn’t_ **_there_ ** _._

 _If Mouse was here then that meant Jay wasn’t_ **_there._ **

_He opened his eyes fully, seeing Mouse’s thin arms wrapped around him. He stopped struggling, panting heavily from all the exertion. His previous energy seeped out of him and he sank to the floor._

_Shame and embarrassment filled him._

_He just went psychotic on his best friend._

_Mouse released his hold as he realized Jay was here again and sat back. Jay’s face was a tight grimace, and he looked over to Mouse to see a reddish mark on his cheek._

_“I-I hit you… I’m sorry man, I’m so sorry-”_

_“It ain’t the first time Jay and it probably won’t be the last. It’s all good… you just…” he paused seeming hesitant. “You need to talk to someone about this, man.”_

_“I just got caught off guard, it won’t happen again.”_

_“No- that’s not what I meant-”_

_“I get it, Greg,” he snapped. “I don’t need to talk to anyone, I just need to work through it on my own. I’ll be fine.”_

_“Fine? Jay? You just had a full on PTSD attack on the floor and from the looks of it, that’s where you’ve been sleeping!”_

_Jay looked down, jaw clenched. Anger started to flare in that instant._

_“That’s none of your concern,” he gritted out, standing up and raking his hand through his hair._

_“None of my- you haven’t shaved or cut your hair and you look like you’ve dropped at least ten pounds- have you even been eating anything? Because you’re startin’ to look like a junkie!”_

_“I can handle it!”_

_“No you can’t- You’re not okay Jay! Why can’t you see that you can’t deal with this on your own?”_

_He was so_ **_angry._ ** _Angry that he was so screwed up like this. Angry that he had made Mouse this upset about his health._

_“I could if you just give me a bit more time okay?! You were the exact same way when we first got back so don’t even lecture me right now.”_

_He had known that Mouse was right, but he was so deep in self loathing and anger that he wasn’t going to let him win. Wasn’t going to let him help because he didn’t want to be helped._

_Didn’t think he_ **_deserved_ ** _to be helped._

oOo

Mac takes a deep breath before starting his explanation. 

“I learned who Mason was over a year ago,” he says slowly. “I was asked by an old army buddy, Charlie, to come help with a bomb. After I arrived, Mason took Charlie, locked him in a trapped elevator,” he says. 

Jay already has a feeling he knows where this is going, and it’s not good. 

“But Mason has a second bomb connected to it, but that one was under a vastly populated building. He told me-” Mac pauses, getting choked up. 

Jay has to dig his fingers into the side of his leg to keep his own emotions in check. 

“He told me to choose, Charlie, or innocent people. I um- I had an hour, and I did… I did everything I could think of to fix the problem. To save them all… but I failed. After the hour, Charlie made the decision for me and made sure his trap was- was set off.” 

Jay closes his eyes as the suspicions are confirmed. Jay knows Mac already lost his commanding officer before they met, and he knows what it’s like for a brother in arms to die for you when you would’ve been more than willing to do it. 

The guilt that eats you up from the inside out until you’re nothing but a hollow shell that just wants to disappear. 

“We learned it was Mason. He had it out for my dad, so decided to make me pay for it,” he tells Jay. 

“Fast forward to a… complicated situation, my dad died, Mason was there. I let him go because I thought with my dad gone he would give up his payback mission, then I found my dad’s pocket knife and a note from Mason when I was defusing the bomb.” 

Whoa whoa whoa… his dad died? Jay didn’t even know the man was back in Mac’s life, and now apparently he’s bit the dust. He doesn’t hold much sympathy for the man himself, hearing the stories of how he was before he took off and left his son, but he feels horribly for Mac. He knows what it’s like losing a father who wasn’t ever really a father. 

Maybe they were able to reconnect and try and mend their relationship, but there’s always gonna be that underlying resentment. Something that will haunt him forever now that the man is gone and he has no chance to fix it. 

_“You just want my money!”_

_“You don’t have any money you thankless old prick!”_

The last words he exchanged with his father were of resentment and anger. Not a day goes by where he doesn’t wish that he could’ve just swallowed his anger and told the man that he still loved him, despite everything he’d done. 

Part of him knows he wouldn’t have heard it said back, but it would’ve been nice to at least have tried. 

“Jack always said there hasn’t been a bomb I can’t diffuse if I was given the chance… but with Mason, he’s smarter than me, he sets traps, he prays on the weak and vulnerable.” 

Jay can’t help but grit his teeth. He’s known men like Mason. They disgust him. The thing is through his whole explanation there’s one thing that kept bothering him… 

Why did Mason have a vendetta against his father, and how did he get mixed up in all this? The only thing he can think of is if Mac has gotten into a dangerous profession, which Jay would not be surprised about. 

“He’s better than me. I can usually know what people will do next, I can calculate the most likely move but with Mason it makes no sense. I can’t get inside his head. And I should be out there right now, finding him, I haven’t done anything useful at work in a month, and now I have the chance to find Mason and I’m stuck in a hospital because I didn’t expect a second bomb.” 

He talks as if he’s been working the case before. He has to be in some kind of law enforcement. Jay is sure of it now. He even mentioned ‘usually knowing what people will do next’ which Jay knows could mean everyone in his everyday life, but the implication is hard to miss. 

Other criminals. _Suspects._

“I was so distracted I missed the trap, and the second bomb. Mistakes like that get people killed. I know this from war, from work-” he cuts himself like he’s revealing too much. 

Definitely an operative of some kind. Maybe CIA, FBI… something more off the books. He wouldn’t doubt it with Dalton’s history. 

“You know, mix the wrong chemicals in a lab and it’s… bad,” he covers. Jay knows what he really means though. “I just can’t seem to focus and it's causing mistakes. And I can’t afford to have one of those mistakes hurt someone.” 

Lord can he sympathize. His own mistakes seem to be messing everything up lately too. The fact that the kid is so bent up about all this that it’s ruining his focus and abilities is disorienting. He doesn’t deserve that. 

Sometimes with these things you can’t help the mistakes that you make, but it ends up getting people killed. They can’t afford to be distracted in their line of work but sometimes it’s in the job description. 

The _traumas_ that come with it. 

“I thought-” he sighs slowly. “I thought after I left Afghanistan I wouldn’t see this stuff anymore.” 

_Aw kid…_

Jay’s heart aches for him. He was too young for all of this, and it seems like life has not held back any punches. 

“But with Mason, it’s just a reminder I’ll- that _we’ll_ always be soldiers.” 

That sentence hits him hard, because it’s depressingly true. Ever since Jay enlisted… his whole life is different. _He’s_ different. That kid he was before he went overseas died a long time ago. 

_“My brother, he uh… he hasn’t come back all the way,” Camilla had told him that one night in her kitchen._

_“I don’t think anybody ever does. I think you just kind of… fill up whatever’s missing with something else,” he responded darkly, speaking from experience._

When you sign up for all of this, you sign away your wholeness. You sign away who you were to become someone— _something_ different. 

“Okay listen… I know you don’t work at a think tank so quit skirting around the truth, this is me we’re talkin’ about. I don’t exactly have a loud mouth when giving out info,” he tells the blond. They both know Jay isn’t exactly an open book. “And first and foremost, your boss already knows mine so of all the people you tell, I’m the least sketchy.” 

“And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when your dad passed. I get it man,” he tries to say it vaguely. Impersonal. “There are things that happen to you that just… they mess you up for a _while._ You get so caught up in that specific thing over and over again, thinking of how you could do things different… sometimes you just need a little extra time or _distraction_ to get your head on straight,” he consoles. 

“And if all else fails, one thing that helps is catching the son of a b*tch that caused all of it, and I can’t help you do that unless I know everything, so just… tell me what’s really goin’ on here so we can get this guy. Who do you _really_ work for?” 

**~~~**

“Okay listen…” Jay says. Mac lets go of the swarming thoughts in his mind and looks over at Jay. He can see the clear concern spread across Jay's face, but also an undertone of lightheartedness. Less pity and more desire to make Mac see things differently. 

He didn't know which was more unsettling. 

“I know you don’t work at a think tank so quit skirting around the truth," Jay confronts. Mac sucks in a deep breath and glances down a bit. "This is me we’re talkin’ about. I don’t exactly have a loud mouth when giving out info,” he adds. 

Mac nods, slowly going through his options. Either play up the think tank, block Jay out, or be completely honest with him. He can't help but wonder if that's why Matty made sure to call him a good man. Was that her way of saying she trusts him? 

It would make sense, Matty knows how hard it is to keep this secret, but she also knows how hard it got when dealing with situations like this. How else could Mac explain knowing Mason then admitting he never really left the war. 

“And first and foremost, your boss already knows mine so of all the people you tell, I’m the least sketchy,” Jay adds. Mac supposes he’s right, there were a lot less trustworthy people that knew his identity. He loved Bozer, but even he wasn’t the best when it came to secrets. 

Jay was. 

Heaven knows how much he kept to himself. But on top of that, he was a soldier. He was trained to make and execute plans, to accept missions and follow through. Add on his years of police service, he was built to follow instructions. 

If Mac said he had to take the secret to the grave, he would. 

He knew Jay could handle more than most people. 

“And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when your dad passed. I get it man,” Jay says. His words cause Mac to glance over at him slightly. He wonders what Jay meant when he said he gets it. 

Was it another one of those ‘Jay Halstead sympathizing with everything’ situations, or had something happened to his father? 

He knows Jay didn’t have a good relationship with his father. That much was evident when his father spent an entire barbeque berating Jay for his service, and praising Mac for being an EOD tech. 

It always made Mac uncomfortable, even now he still feels guilty for it. 

He doesn’t have time to speak up and ask what he meant. Ask if he and his dad were back on talking terms. However, Jay wastes no time moving on with his outpour of advice and comfort for the younger man. 

“There are things that happen to you that just… they mess you up for a _while.”_

Gosh Mason wasn’t even half of it. 

With Codex, the psychotropic drug, even things he thought he handled like Murdoc, Thornton, and Nikki, all of that changed him. It had all messed him up, he wasn’t the same kids who signed up for war to save lives. 

He wasn’t the same kid who wanted to make it home to his loved ones… now, on hard missions, though he would never admit it, he regretted his survival instincts. He hates that no matter what he couldn’t stop fighting to survive, that instinct took over. 

Why couldn’t he just die. 

“You get so caught up in that specific thing over and over again, thinking of how you could do things different…“ There’s no doubt now that he’s speaking from personal experience. Mac could hear it in the way his voice wavered. 

The heavy emotions built up behind his words. 

Mac wants nothing more than to turn the other man's words around. Tell him to open up, tell him to share things. But he doubts Jay would accept that. Not until Mac was completely honest with him. 

“Sometimes you just need a little extra time or _distraction_ to get your head on straight,” Jay says. He’s trying to help, and Mac knows that. But he hates it, he hates that he needs time. He had a month, a month of nothing. 

He should be fine now. 

“And if all else fails, one thing that helps is catching the son of a b*tch that caused all of it, and I can’t help you do that unless I know everything,” Jay adds. His words cause Mac to shift a bit, biting at his lip. 

“So just… tell me what’s really goin’ on here so we can get this guy. Who do you _really_ work for?” 

Jay didn’t want to go down this road. 

Mac looks down a bit before sitting still gets to be too much. Despite being ordered to lay down, he pushes the blankets off and carefully sits up. I mean, really, when did he ever do what he was told to do? 

Mac scratches at his IV once more before taking in a deep and heavy breath. He allows his legs to dangle off the bed, despite the pain in his thigh. He had been through worse pain in the past few years. 

He didn’t pay attention to Jay’s look of concern by him sitting up, besides, he doubts his move surprised the man. He had never paid much attention to his physical health. It was something that he got lectured at multiple times in war, at DXS, and at The Phoenix Foundation. 

“Jay, I swear you can’t tell anyone what I’m about to say,” he tells the other man. He had never actually told anyone he knew about his job. Riley he met through work - same with Desi, and Russ. Jack was why he was there, Matty was his boss.

Bozer, well it’s not like he told him. An assassin broke into his home and tried to kill Bozer before telling him Mac had been lying for years. At that point it was just damage control.

“Just me telling you could be breaking at least a dozen rules and protocols, and frankly I could be arrested for treason just for telling you this,” he admits. “So please, just, keep this to yourself,” he adds. 

Deep down he knows Jay would keep the secret, but he can’t help being cautious. 

“After Afghanistan, Jack told me he had a job he’d been working, and that they needed someone with my skill set. I pretty much had the job before I even met with my old boss,” he admits. 

Mac glances down at the thought of Thorton, but he continues. “They already had done the security checks, and before I knew it I was part of an off the books government agency,” he pauses a bit. “Best and worst decision I ever made.” he mumbles. 

Mac runs his hands through his hair before letting his hands fall a bit. “Jack has been my partner since, except this last year. He got called back in for special duty, yesterday was the first time I’ve seen him in a year,” he tells him. 

He goes quiet for a bit, not wanting to explain anything else, but Jay deserves an explanation. He was the target, and while his partner was the one who set off the trap, it was still planted there for the detective.

“My job has always been hard and dangerous, and there have been plenty of days when I don’t think I’ll make it home,” he says slowly. “And I’m fine with that, it’s what I signed up for,” he says. 

“It’s- It’s the mind games that get me. A laundry list of things that are messing with my head. From Murdoc, to Mason, to Codex, to-” he pauses and glances towards the door a bit. His shadow self was still missing, which was only somewhat of a relief. 

“-other things,” he mumbles. 

Mac can’t help glancing down at the hospital room floor. He wants to stand up and pace. Take something apart, or get looking for information. But all he can do is sit there. He can feel his hand shake a bit, so he grips onto the blankets beneath him in hopes to calm down the tremors. 

“What I told you about Charlie was how it happened, the only difference is I wasn’t just sent in because I knew what I was doing, it’s part of my job,” he says slowly. “After Charlie died, my team caught Mason.” 

Mac can feel the words catching in his throat a bit as he speaks. Just like it had the first time he brought up Charlie's death. He can still remember sitting across from the other man. The way he seemed so okay with Charlie’s death, just because it made him suffer.

“I didn’t know Mason, I had no idea why he was targeting me, how he even knew about me-” Mac says slowly. He thought it had to do with his work, some drug dealer or criminal enemy he had made. Someone he had a personal beef with.

“But-” he pauses a bit, licking his lips. “Mason told me a story, about his son who was sent in on a suicide mission in Afganistan. He had to protect an _invaluable asset,”_ He can’t help the sound of disgust at the mention of the invaluable asset. 

“The man who assigned the mission was my father.”

Mac’s eyes trail over to his belongings, where his father’s pocket knife was safely tucked away with the note. “I found my dad a while ago, he was involved in the same organization as I was, I had just barely reconnected with him. He was in charge of where I worked.” 

Mac takes a second to glance over at Jay, almost as if he’s checking to be sure the other man is following. “Mason learned my father was in charge of the operation that got his son killed, and that’s why he came after me. He wanted my dad to watch his son suffer, and die. The way his son had.” 

He quickly looks away from Jay, not wanting to look at the other man anymore. He didn’t want to see Jay looking at him with those piercing blue eyes. He was already showing too much vulnerability, if he looked over at Jay he would spill even more than he already was. 

“Mason had planned to get caught, and he also planned a way to break out, he got away and just disappeared into the wind,” Mac tells him. He still felt guilty for letting him get away. He had made a promise to catch Charlie’s killer, and he was still walking free. 

Mac still remembers the pain in his chest as his father told him that he was the asset. He thought about bringing it up to Jay, letting him know more about the case. That he was the asset, but he couldn’t. 

He didn’t want to face that reality. 

An innocent team died just because Mac’s father was high enough to get his son protection. Lives Mac would trade for him in a heartbeat any day, and yet his father had done the opposite. He remembered the anger, anger that caused him to ice out his father. 

He almost brought up the way he pushed his father away. The Phoenix getting shut down. How far he spiraled. Teach, then drink, wake up, and repeat. But he figured that wasn’t necessary. Not now anyways. 

“Fast forward to… a few months ago, Mason was spotted on security footage, so my father and I went to take him in. We found this cabin outside of LA, and sure enough Mason was there, but it was a set up,” Mac sighs. 

He tried to push down the guilt of his last few hours with his father. Getting angry with him, refusing to start over. 

He wished he could fix it. 

“A group called Codex used Mason to lure my father and I out, they wanted to talk to me, get me to join their wild doomsday plan. Mason, my father, and I had all been taken in,” Mac sighs. He could feel his lip quiver slightly and did his best to force it down. 

“Codex knew about me because their plan was one that my mother, and aunt worked on. My aunt hoped she could talk me into joining them. My father, Mason and I worked together to get out but my dad got shot, so he stayed behind to set off an explosion so we- so I could make it out,” Mac adds. 

He tried to block down the emotion building up in his voice, but he can’t help it. No matter how many times he tried to tell himself he had moved on, he hadn’t. The loss of his father was like the wound refused to close. 

“Said I was supposed to save the world or some crap,” Mac mumbles. 

His father wasn’t the only one who said that to him, his aunt did too. 

He was sick of it. 

He was sick of being special. 

Sick of being Macgyver. 

“I let Mason go when we escaped, focused on taking down Codex. I thought he was maybe gone. My dad was dead, maybe he would let things go,” Mac says slowly. 

Mac looks away from Jay as a tear races down his cheek and he swallows his emotions. 

“I got so busy and obsessed with Codex and taking them out, thinking that if I could do that, if I could just make my dad proud somehow everything would just- just work out,” he admits. 

He improvised with codex, just like he improvised with everything else. When Matty first joined the team, he told him one day his luck would run out. He promised her he knew what he was doing. That it wasn’t luck, it was skill.

But the more time went one, the more he doubted his own words. Maybe she had been right. His like was more like watching an hourglass. Watching the sand slowly drain into the other side.

_His luck was running out._

“But it- I guess it’s taken its toll.” 

He didn’t want to admit it, but at this point Jay had already told him he could see Mac’s distress. The nervousness. Even when defusing a bomb Jay had reassured him that if things went wrong it wasn’t on him. 

Even back then he could see that Mac wasn’t okay.

“We stopped Codex, or at least pushed it into the shadows,” he says slowly. His heart pounding in his chest at the thought of the organization, the memories of all the stress and pain it brought him. 

The amount of mistakes he made with the team, with Desi… 

No matter what he touched he had ruined it. 

“Matty took me off field work,” he adds. “I mean, yeah I occasionally stopped by but she said they didn’t need me in the field. I worked in the lab here and there but not enough to prove I was okay. I know it was more than just not needing me.” 

Once again he stops himself. Determining if he wants to continue. But, he figures he already told Jay this much. “She doesn’t think I can handle it.” 

His hands grip onto the bed tighter, before he forces himself to let go of the sheets beneath him. Allowing his fingers to stretch a bit. His eyes are filled with water, and he tries to blink them away, but a few tears slip out. 

He prays Jay doesn’t notice. 

“Jay, the death toll of people dying for me won’t stop growing, and now Mason is setting off bomb after bomb, and I don’t care what you, Jack, or anyone says- every person who dies because of him, it’s on me.” 

He can see by the look on Jay’s face that he wants to argue that, but Mac won’t let him. He’s _sick_ of people saying it wasn’t his fault. That never helped the guilt go away. Only one thing would, and being in this bed prevented him from doing that. 

“Because I let him go, because I let myself break so much that I can’t focus- This is on me, and don’t bother saying it’s not,” he adds. His voice is a bit more gruff, but he doesn’t care. He needs the other man to understand. 

No therapy session or amount of drinks could get rid of the guilt and pain he felt. No amount of people comforting him would make him believe them. Just like no amount of rest would truly make him relax. 

The only way Mac could move on from this was to stop Mason. 

“I have to stop him before he kills someone else I love.”

_**~~~** _

“Jay, I swear you can’t tell anyone what I’m about to say. Just me telling you could be breaking at least a dozen rules and protocols, and frankly I could be arrested for treason just for telling you this. So please, just, keep this to yourself,” 

That’s literally what he just said. 

What part of ‘I don’t have a big mouth’ means he’s gonna tell everyone what he just heard? Jay rolls his eyes and gives him an unamused look to show that _obviously_ he’s gonna keep it to himself. 

After a moment Mac finally determines that Jay can be trusted, something that Jay is loath to admit hurts him a little. He knows that it’s technically his fault. If he would’ve stayed around, Mac probably wouldn’t have lost his trust in the Ranger. 

The kid starts to explain how Jack brought him into an off-books government agency. Of course it was Dalton. 

“Jack has been my partner since, except this last year. He got called back in for special duty, yesterday was the first time I’ve seen him in a year.” 

So he was right, Jack had been gone. That could’ve only made things worse. 

“My job has always been hard and dangerous, and there have been plenty of days when I don’t think I’ll make it home and I’m fine with that, it’s what I signed up for,” he says. 

“It’s- It’s the mind games that get me. A laundry list of things that are messing with my head. From Murdoc, to Mason, to Codex, to-” he stops mid sentence and looks at the doorway like he saw something before continuing, “-other things,” 

“What I told you about Charlie was how it happened, the only difference is I wasn’t just sent in because I knew what I was doing, it’s part of my job,” he says slowly. “After Charlie died, my team caught Mason.” 

So they had actually caught the guy at one point. It must gnaw at Mac everyday that they let him get away. 

“I didn’t know Mason, I had no idea why he was targeting me, how he even knew about me but...” he pauses, licking his lips. “Mason told me a story, about his son who was sent in on a suicide mission in afganistan. He had to protect an _invaluable asset,”_ Mac says with disdain. 

“The man who assigned the mission was my father.” 

Oh. That’s lovely. Dad of the year award. 

Just like the feeling he had when Mac was explaining what had happened to his friend Charlie, Jay has a sinking feeling he knows where this is going. 

“I found my dad a while ago, he was involved in the same organization as I was, I had just barely reconnected with him. He was in charge of where I worked. Mason learned my father was in charge of the operation that got his son killed, and that’s why he came after me. He wanted my dad to watch his son suffer, and die. The way his son had.” 

The perfect MO. Revenge for a murdered son or daughter. 

Jay’s seen it too many times. 

_Hell_ , Jay’s seen it happen to Voight himself. 

He hates that Mac has to carry this burden all because of his crappy father’s bad life choices. Jay knows that if it was him in Mac’s position he would’ve been beyond pissed that his dad got someone else killed in some skewed opportunity to possibly make sure it wasn’t his own son. 

It’s disgusting how some people feel they’re more entitled to life than others. More deserving of safety and care. 

His own father _was_ the same d*mn way. 

Mac continues his intense story, explaining a psychotic doomsday organization that his newfound aunt had been running from the shadows. He had reconnected with her and his father over the past couple years and how he had died protecting Mac. 

Something else for him to blame himself for. 

“I got so busy and obsessed with Codex and taking them out, thinking that if I could do that, if I could just make my dad proud somehow everything would just- just work out,” he explains, turning away slightly as tears brim in his eyes and spill over. 

A pang of sympathy shoots through him. How long has he been doing everything he could just to get his dad to be proud of him? 

How long has he been up at night wondering if there was something he could’ve done differently to make him see that he has some modicum of worth— to just hear the words _‘I love you’_ once in his life instead of yelling at you for the smallest things while he’s praising your brother for being such a good son? 

Okay so maybe he’s projecting a little too much. 

It’s no secret that Will was his father’s favorite. The man didn’t hesitate to make sure Jay knew it too. He knows Mac struggled with a similar thing. Sure he was an only child unlike Jay, but he still struggled to win his dad’s approval all the same. 

“But it- I guess it’s taken its toll. We stopped Codex, or at least pushed it into the shadows.” 

‘Taken its toll’ is one of the biggest understatements of the century. The guy looks _rough._ Depressed, jumpy, just overall out of sorts almost all the time. All these things that have happened have done more than just ‘taken a toll’. 

“Matty took me off field work,” he adds. “I mean, yeah I occasionally stopped by but she said they didn’t need me in the field. I worked in the lab here and there but not enough to prove I was okay. I know it was more than just not needing me.” 

Jay can picture that vividly. Even when he was injured overseas and had to take it easy a couple days the guy was a ball of energy ready to get back out there and help. 

“She doesn’t think I can handle it.” 

The Ranger agrees, partially. Mac does need time, but keeping him from work completely will only make him worse. You have to find the right balance. What that balance is, Jay himself hasn’t quite figured out yet but he’s getting there. 

“Jay, the death toll of people dying for me won’t stop growing, and now Mason is setting off bomb after bomb, and I don’t care what you, Jack, or anyone says- every person who dies because of him, it’s on me.” 

_The death toll of people dying for him..._

Jay’s stomach does a flip and he rubs around his chest again impulsively. He hates how much that sentence resonates with him. How long he’s been feeling that way about himself. Mac shouldn’t be feeling that way. 

Jay wouldn’t wish it on anyone. 

“Because I let him go, because I let myself break so much that I can’t focus- This is on me, and don’t bother saying it’s not.” 

He closes his mouth from starting to protest. He doesn’t have any room to talk. 

He’s been the cause of too many deaths. 

_Murders._

Blood on his hands that he directly caused or failed to prevent. Even overseas the number was too high. He’s memorized all of their names. Their family members. He’s recited them in his head every night since he got back. 

“I have to stop him before he kills someone else I love.” 

_No it wasn’t his fault. He’s innocent. It was his father._

He needs to stop blaming himself. It’s breaking him. Jay can’t let him break fully. Letting Mac break down from the guilt eating him up is just as bad as letting someone die. He’s just dying on the inside. 

MacGyver is supposed to be the bright one. The voice of reason. The one that keeps everyone together. 

He’s not _tainted._

Not like Jay. 

He’ll never forget that day in the valley. Those _days,_ plural. 

_Weeks._

The smell of the bodies rotting on the ground just a few feet from where he was chained. 

**_oO// tw for blood & toture \\\Oo _ **

_His arms strained painfully from being chained up from the beam above him for so long. Blood ran down his arms from his wrists and trailed down his shoulders before drying. He had been taken to their camp from their exploded humvee, strung up next to one of the other men._

_He didn’t make it very long before they killed him._

_It was just Jay hanging then, the rest of the others that were captured were chained up a little ways away until their captors got bored._

_He didn’t know how long it had been._

_Weeks maybe, judging by the thickening beard growing on his cheeks, and the limp curl of hair that started to hang on his forehead. He had trouble keeping track of the sun anymore._

_The whole left side of his face was swollen, unable to see out of his inflamed eye. He almost wished his broken nose was more swollen than it was, so he didn’t have to smell the stench emanating from the corpses of what used to be his comrades that have been baking in the sun during the day and chilling at night._

_Two of them laid dead, having been there for days piled together on the ground. They had already started decomposing, liquefying from the inside out, skin turning green as the smell slowly worsened._

_Because of him._

_“STAND UP!” The voice of his tormentor repeated for the millionth time._

_Jay tried desperately to get his starved body to cooperate. It had to have been days since he had food or water, since he couldn’t seem to remember the last time he had even received either of them._

_Even the sections of his skin that weren’t injured stung when he moved from being tanned and singed in the sun during the day._

_He pulled himself onto the ripped up soles of his feet, shackles digging into his wrists even deeper as he did. The chains around his wrists were just above his head level which he tried to see as a good thing because it meant he had the option to stand instead of hanging, but it also meant more creative punishments._

_They whipped the soles of his feet as soon as he was captured, before chaining him up and forcing him to stand, dirt and grime burning the open wounds. Every time the wounds scabbed over to heal they would repeat the process. They were sure to be infected by now._

_His legs shook and trembled from having to hold up his body for days straight, but he had to._

**_He had to._ **

_His legs buckled and his arms got yanked above him heavily as his weight fell back on the cuffs around his wrists._

_The whip sliced across his shoulder blades and he screamed, a new wave of hot blood pouring down his back._

_“Stop! Leave him the hell alone!” One of the others, probably McSweeney, shouted from the building they were chained outside of that was a few hundred yards down the center of the village. He fought to hold his head up and crack his eye open to look at them. They were far away, but he could make out their blurry shapes. The one that talked got a kick to the side for it, but it gave him the motivation to keep going._

**_“GET UP!”_ **

_He tried. He tried so hard._

_Another lash._

_Another scream ripping from his lips._

_He took a gasping deep breath and grabbed tightly around the chains attached to his cuffs, getting a better grip to pull himself back up. Tears trailed down his cheeks creating tracks on his bruised, blood and dirt caked face._

_He moaned in agony at the pain in his feet, legs, arms, and back, shivering from pain (and probably a fever) as well as his lack of clothing in the night air other than his boxer briefs that were so soaked with blood and other fluids they had become stiff and stuck to his skin._

_They hadn’t even let him down to use the bathroom._

_Not that that was a problem anymore since he hadn’t had anything to drink in days._

_It’s crazy how fast your body eats away at muscle and atrophies when you don’t get anything to eat for more than a few days. He was freezing without the clothes or extra muscle on his jutting ribs._

_Sweat dripped down his face from the exertion of just standing— wasting whatever hydration he had left in his body. It was disorienting, how hard that had become._

_But if he didn’t stand, he would get whipped, and if he didn’t even try, they would kill more of his comrades._

_They enjoyed the sick game. Thought it was fun._

_Sometimes they decided to yell at him, asking for information, but mostly he was just there for their entertainment._

_He mentally recited the Ranger creed through all of it, distracting himself from everything._

_A mantra. They taught him that in basic training._

_His thoughts would keep lingering on the last two letters, what the E and R stood for. They kept him going. Fighting._

**_“Energetically will I meet the enemies of my country. I shall defeat them on the field of battle for I am better trained and will fight with all my might. Surrender is not a Ranger word. I will never leave a fallen comrade to fall into the hands of the enemy and under no circumstances will I ever embarrass my country.”_ **

_He would endure. He may have failed two of his comrades there already, but he was determined to save anyone else from that fate._

_He would not embarrass his country._

**_“Readily will I display the intestinal fortitude required to fight on to the Ranger objective and complete the mission, though I be the lone survivor.”_ **

**_Fight on. Complete the mission. Fight on. Complete the mission._ **

**_Surrender is not a Ranger word._ **

**_Do not embarrass your country._ **

_His muscles quivered and spasmed, threatening to drop him again,_ **_but he couldn’t._ **

_He gripped the chain above him as tight as he could, fingers going numb, to try and force himself to stay upright. It was no use, the blood and sweat on his hands caused the chains to slip and his legs gave out again, shoulders screaming at the intense weight pulling them out of their sockets._

_He heard the man behind him step forward before the sharp burning slashes returned again. As long as he could keep their attention on him, and show them that he’s trying, they wouldn’t hurt his comrades._

_They wouldn’t. He just couldn’t stop. He had to keep trying, showing them that he cared. That he wanted to stand._

_It was fine._

_He could do it._

_He could protect them._

_Agony tore through him as he pulled himself up once again and a hysterical laugh burst from his throat accompanied by unwarranted tears dripping down into the half dried patches of bloody dirt and sand on the ground beneath him._

_He could feel himself breaking._

_But it was okay. He could handle it._

_They would be fine._

_He just had to try_ **_harder_ ** _._

_He lost his grip._

_They screamed in Pashto and Arabic, lashing him twice more before calling out to the soldiers by the others and unchaining Julia Decker, a rookie that was new to the 75th. Barely even twenty-one._

**_No. Anyone but her-_ **

_She was covered in dirt and trying her best to stay stoic despite the obvious tears running down her face— hell half of the men were crying— but looked relatively unharmed._

_He was surprised that it didn’t seem they had used her for… other forms of entertainment. He’d seen it too many times before._

_“Stand up, soldier,” his abductor told him with a smile. “You don’t want this…_ **_girl_ ** _to die do you?”_

_“Please- k-kill me,” Jay begged. “She’s just a kid- she… she hasn’t done anything w-wrong!”_

_“Jay no-” Decker— no…_ **_Julia_ ** _— objected through her tears. She had never used his first name before. They always just used last names when addressing each other, so it struck him even harder. She showed so much promise in the Rangers. She was stronger than he could ever be._

_The men just laughed. A deep cackling sound that filled him with unease._

_“You’re wrong. You American dogs are all the same.”_

_“Wait she-”_

_“STAND UP!”_

_He flinched harshly and pulled himself back up with a grunt, lightning strikes of pain shooting through his feet and legs as his exhausted muscles cramped. A shallow keening sound escaped him with every wheezing breath, and the men laughed again, finding it pathetic and amusing._

_His vision started to black out from the combination of exhaustion, blood loss, dehydration, and starvation. He tried to hold on as long as he could._

_They would come save them._

_Mouse would save him._

_He would get reinforcements and save them._

**_“I will never leave a fallen comrade to fall into the hands of the enemy.”_ **

_It’s their code. They would save him._

_If he was even still alive. Not many of them survived that humvee explosion, and most of them that did were taken here._

_His grip slipped again._

_They grabbed Julia and forced her to her knees facing Jay._

_Jay scrambled to regain his footing._

_“I can- I can do it! I can stand! Please!”_

_They put a gun to the back of the girl’s head, smiling as the young woman sobbed harder._

_“It’s- it’s okay,” she stuttered out, giving him a horribly sad smile of reassurance._

_Jay was screaming._

**_BANG!_ **

_Julia’s sobbing stopped._

_But Jay’s weeping had only just begun._

_He let go of the chain and hung there limply, vomiting stomach acid and blood onto the dirt where Julia’s blood was splattered out like a fan at his feet._

_The men laughed, getting enjoyment from his humiliation and suffering._

**_Maybe they weren’t coming after all._ **

**_Maybe they shouldn’t._ **

**_This was all his fault._ **

**_oO// end of tw \\\Oo_ **

He hates that Mac has to deal with that kind of guilt. It’s one of the most horrific things to feel about yourself. 

“Wow. That’s… that’s a lot to deal with man,” he starts. 

Losing his best friend, his dad, and his aunt all in a matter of months? That’s brutal. Thankfully he was able to get one of those back. Jay’s not sure he would’ve made it this far if the man hadn’t. 

“I’m not gonna tell you not to... blame yourself because it won’t help. Just know that your dad was kind of a d*ck and it’s on him, not you,” he says pointedly before clearing his throat. “Doesn’t mean you can’t be angry at yourself for being the reason your dad did that, you have the right to, but it was _his_ screwed up decision to do it.” 

Jay may not be able to forgive himself for some of the things he’s done, but this truly wasn’t Mac’s fault. He won’t let the young scientist chew himself up like this. The younger man is currently staying quiet, stuck in his own head like usual. 

Jay takes a deep breath. He’s surprised Mac has divulged this much information in the first place, so he’s not going to ruin it by making it a big deal. 

_Unlike Jack._

He’ll stew all the information he just took in internally, but on the outside he needs to do damage control. He looks over at the younger man, raising his eyebrows. 

“So…” he starts, causing Mac to look back at him. “A secret agent huh?” The blond laughs a little shaking his head. “You ever meet Nick Fury or…” 

“Shut up,” Mac responds humorously. 

“Cause I got a thing for Black Widow so if you could hook me up-” he breaks off with a laugh that turns into a small wheezy cough, but he doesn’t care. It’s good to see a smile on the kid’s face again. 

Jack steps back in the room, coffee in hand and looking a bit confused— but what’s new. 

“Whoa whoa whoa, I leave for all of ten minutes and y’all are havin’ the time of your lives without me?” He comments in reference to the laughs and smiles. 

“Yeah we were just talkin’ about you,” Jay teases. 

“All good things I hope,” he responds, squinting his eyes in a glare and looking between Jay and Mac critically. “I talked to Carrot Top out there on my way back and he says you’re all good to go brother,” he tells Mac happily before glancing at Jay. “As for you Hoss, your brother says you gotta stay an extra night.” 

“No… you- you guys gotta sneak me out. _Please,”_ he asks. He does not want to be in this hospital for another hour, let alone another whole day. 

His father had taken his last breaths just a couple rooms over. His last words to the man still echoing like ghosts haunting the hospital. The faster he can dip out of here the better, because he’s starting to get antsy just thinking about all this. 

“Sorry, no can do buddy. Your brother made it very clear and I know the legends about redheads— never get them mad.” 

“Oh c’mon he can barely throw a solid punch! Have you seen his wimpy little stick arms?” He coughs again as the only half joking desperation leaks into his voice. “You guys can get me out, use your spy skills or whatever.” 

Jack’s eyes widen and he turns slowly to Mac, putting a hand next to his mouth like he’s blocking Jay from seeing what he’s saying. 

“Um, what did you tEll hiM?” He grits out through his teeth. 

Mac just shrugs nonchalantly and Jack scrubs a hand down his face before rolling his eyes and looking back at Jay and skirting the subject. 

“Yeah sorry bud but it’s for the best. I have no doubt you’ll be back in the saddle by this time tomorrow helpin’ us catch this freak.” 

Jay sighs discontentedly and flops his head back on the pillow in irritation. He hates being benched. More often than not it just means he’ll be sitting there stuck with his own thoughts, plus worrying about the case until he’s allowed back on it. 

Even worse is being stuck in a _freaking hospital—_ literally one of the places he hates the most— the entire time. 

Jay looks over at MacGyver, seeing a sympathetic look on his face for the Ranger’s predicament. 

This night is gonna _suck_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was another chapter on the slower side, but after this things with the case and the boys are about to speed up hard and fast, so please leave comments down below because we literally scream with excitement whenever we get one <3


End file.
